Hello,
I joined here in May, but obviously didn't stick around. H and I have been married for 15 years this year, together for 18, good friends for long before that. I really thought I did my homework with him.
In April, I thought I hit my breaking point. I found this place, and joined, and contacted a lawyer. When they called me back to schedule a consult, I panicked, and went looking for a therapist instead. I was quite sure he'd never go to therapy, but I needed someone knowledgeable to talk to, and I figured if it wasn't a therapist, it would be a lawyer. I thought I'd start seeing her, then maybe convince my H to come too. I didn't tell him I started seeing a T. My search didn't take too long, and I hit it off immediately with the first one I met, a psychologist, mid 50's, female, and she's the type of person I was looking for. I started seeing her weekly, but as time went on, and she realized there's so much more to me than just my current marriage issues, she bumped me up to twice a week (in July I think). I've been seeing her twice a week since.
Once it was clear to me that I would follow through with this, I told H, who blew up at me for "keeping" it from him. I didn't care, if it was the one thing I kept from him, that's not terrible.
H and I have been sleeping in separate rooms (on separate floors) for probably about two years. We rarely argue, but when we do, they're big 'uns. Ok, going to try to keep this as short as possible.
H is not an active father. We have a son, age 12. They barely know each other. H and HIS dad are extremely close, he's very family oriented with his own, but not with us. H and I never do anything together, nor do the three of us. I could never get him to just take a walk with me, or go for a family bike ride, rarely out for dinner, he works hard and is tired when he gets home. It's always just my son and I. Even for a weekend trip two years ago for his birthday to a waterpark, with an overnight stay. Couldn't get H to go.
I should be counting my blessings, he isn't addicted to anything that would break up a marriage, he doesn't drink hardly at all, doesn't do drugs, doesn't hit me or make me feel concerned for my safety, he's not out sleeping around, etc etc.
But the breaking point was him trying to take out an 18K$ loan behind my back. The bank called me two days before closing. I told them I would not sign, therefore he couldn't get the loan. Not only that, but he listed assets belonging to my family (farm equipment, property, etc) as ours. The stupid bank never followed up on that. I had to tell the guy on the phone we don't own ANY of those things. Before that, it was a $4,000 TV. He ordered it, and when he told me "oh BTW, new TV coming on Friday" I made him cancel that too. We do NOT HAVE this kind of money!!! We live paycheck to paycheck and struggle to pay the bills as it is. Since all this, he went out and got a new cell phone, and most recently a PS4, without my knowledge. He opened his own bank accounts, and automatically has money put in there thru direct deposit with every check. Money we NEED. I cringe whenever he's on the computer, wondering what he's looking up now. Wondering what's next. There's alw ays something. He doesn't have any respect for me or he'd care about my input. Whenever I leave (to run an errand, whatever) I tell him where I'm going. He just leaves, never tells me.
Recently he had a birthday, and our son and I had plans to take him out for dinner. His brother then invited him out for dinner, and H decided to go with his brother. We, my son and I, were not invited. Our son was devastated. Whenever we are in the car together (very rare), there is no talking. I try, can't get him to engage in conversation. It's the same when it's the three of us. I'm afraid our son is learning how to be a dad right now, through his own. I am 40 years old, and never knew mine, so I don't want to see history repeat itself.
There's nothing left between us anymore. I can't possibly trust him. Always wondering what he's looking up now. I'm to the point where he's making decisions as a single man, it's perhaps time for him to become one. But I'm scared.
There are other things....his hygiene. He doesn't brush his teeth (unless, back in the day when we did sleep in the same bed, he wanted sex, then he knew he had to shower and brush his teeth). He doesn't shower but maybe once every couple weeks. And he works a very physical, dirty job. I'm working with my therapist on where to go from here, but it's so hard. We have so many things going on in therapy...not just my H, but my abusive home life growing up. She thinks that may have something to do with the situation I'm in now. That I "settled" for him, because he was a safe choice at the time. It's possible. I need to protect myself financially, and in order to do that, I think a divorce is the only way. I would even consider getting a divorce, but continue living the way we are, if some things were to change (like his parenting role). My head is just spinning. I don't know where to go. I barely sleep. I don't eat much. I feel myself going downhill, because the str ess I feel in my head, and the hurt I feel in my heart, is just so much.
I joined here in May, but obviously didn't stick around. H and I have been married for 15 years this year, together for 18, good friends for long before that. I really thought I did my homework with him.
In April, I thought I hit my breaking point. I found this place, and joined, and contacted a lawyer. When they called me back to schedule a consult, I panicked, and went looking for a therapist instead. I was quite sure he'd never go to therapy, but I needed someone knowledgeable to talk to, and I figured if it wasn't a therapist, it would be a lawyer. I thought I'd start seeing her, then maybe convince my H to come too. I didn't tell him I started seeing a T. My search didn't take too long, and I hit it off immediately with the first one I met, a psychologist, mid 50's, female, and she's the type of person I was looking for. I started seeing her weekly, but as time went on, and she realized there's so much more to me than just my current marriage issues, she bumped me up to twice a week (in July I think). I've been seeing her twice a week since.
Once it was clear to me that I would follow through with this, I told H, who blew up at me for "keeping" it from him. I didn't care, if it was the one thing I kept from him, that's not terrible.
H and I have been sleeping in separate rooms (on separate floors) for probably about two years. We rarely argue, but when we do, they're big 'uns. Ok, going to try to keep this as short as possible.
H is not an active father. We have a son, age 12. They barely know each other. H and HIS dad are extremely close, he's very family oriented with his own, but not with us. H and I never do anything together, nor do the three of us. I could never get him to just take a walk with me, or go for a family bike ride, rarely out for dinner, he works hard and is tired when he gets home. It's always just my son and I. Even for a weekend trip two years ago for his birthday to a waterpark, with an overnight stay. Couldn't get H to go.
I should be counting my blessings, he isn't addicted to anything that would break up a marriage, he doesn't drink hardly at all, doesn't do drugs, doesn't hit me or make me feel concerned for my safety, he's not out sleeping around, etc etc.
But the breaking point was him trying to take out an 18K$ loan behind my back. The bank called me two days before closing. I told them I would not sign, therefore he couldn't get the loan. Not only that, but he listed assets belonging to my family (farm equipment, property, etc) as ours. The stupid bank never followed up on that. I had to tell the guy on the phone we don't own ANY of those things. Before that, it was a $4,000 TV. He ordered it, and when he told me "oh BTW, new TV coming on Friday" I made him cancel that too. We do NOT HAVE this kind of money!!! We live paycheck to paycheck and struggle to pay the bills as it is. Since all this, he went out and got a new cell phone, and most recently a PS4, without my knowledge. He opened his own bank accounts, and automatically has money put in there thru direct deposit with every check. Money we NEED. I cringe whenever he's on the computer, wondering what he's looking up now. Wondering what's next. There's alw ays something. He doesn't have any respect for me or he'd care about my input. Whenever I leave (to run an errand, whatever) I tell him where I'm going. He just leaves, never tells me.
Recently he had a birthday, and our son and I had plans to take him out for dinner. His brother then invited him out for dinner, and H decided to go with his brother. We, my son and I, were not invited. Our son was devastated. Whenever we are in the car together (very rare), there is no talking. I try, can't get him to engage in conversation. It's the same when it's the three of us. I'm afraid our son is learning how to be a dad right now, through his own. I am 40 years old, and never knew mine, so I don't want to see history repeat itself.
There's nothing left between us anymore. I can't possibly trust him. Always wondering what he's looking up now. I'm to the point where he's making decisions as a single man, it's perhaps time for him to become one. But I'm scared.
There are other things....his hygiene. He doesn't brush his teeth (unless, back in the day when we did sleep in the same bed, he wanted sex, then he knew he had to shower and brush his teeth). He doesn't shower but maybe once every couple weeks. And he works a very physical, dirty job. I'm working with my therapist on where to go from here, but it's so hard. We have so many things going on in therapy...not just my H, but my abusive home life growing up. She thinks that may have something to do with the situation I'm in now. That I "settled" for him, because he was a safe choice at the time. It's possible. I need to protect myself financially, and in order to do that, I think a divorce is the only way. I would even consider getting a divorce, but continue living the way we are, if some things were to change (like his parenting role). My head is just spinning. I don't know where to go. I barely sleep. I don't eat much. I feel myself going downhill, because the str ess I feel in my head, and the hurt I feel in my heart, is just so much.
Put the internet to work for you.
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