Hello everyone. I'm sure this is not the first (or last time) a post of this nature will be up on the forum. In-laws, can't live with or without them, huh? :)
I'd really appreciate any tips or advice! I am a newly married (one year) female with extremely, suffocatingly controlling and interfering in-laws.
My husband comes from a very large family with a very strong mother, who controls every aspect of her husband and children's lives. She pressures her children into everything, including when they will have children, where they will live and where to work (!). I come from a very small family that respects personal choice/space, and so this is a shock to me. I often feel like an outsider because the way I think or behave is extremely different.
What complicates the matter further is the fact that my husband works for his father's company along with his brothers. My FIL is a sweetheart but is a horrible boss. He is always telling my husband that he is not good enough, is a terrible employee and would never survive in the outside world. This is in spite of them (literally) forcing my husband to work for the family company and him working long hours six days a week.
On top of all this, there is mounting pressure on us to have a baby, although we are not ready at all. We want to wait another year at least, but his parents find the idea laughable! Almost every single day, we get phone calls or long lectures about how we shouldn't wait any longer because we will then be too old (I'm 25 and my husband is 29). When they found out I was on the Pill, they almost had a breakdown! It does not help that we live in close proximity to them either. We are expected to visit them several times a week, taking time out of the precious few hours we have together every day. When we are at his parents house, his father will discuss business with my husband. When my husband is at work, his father will discuss personal issues on company time (usually about our reluctance to have a child now). There is NO line separating work from home!
My husband stands by me 100 percent. He is extremely supportive of everything I do, and disagrees with his family and their behavior. He has tried countless times to talk to his parents about giving us our personal space, but with no luck. It is a tricky situation since we are unfortunately financially dependent on them. I've told my husband countless times that I do not mind living on half the salary if it means we get to live our OWN lives and make our OWN decisions, but he feels a duty towards us to make sure we are financially comfortable, and that means working with the family. He often comes home stressed and upset (but NEVER takes it out on me- he always tries to keep a happy smile on his face but I can see through it) and I really do feel like his family is putting a LOT of pressure on our marriage. His family's favorite tactic to get him to do what they want is to guilt him into it-- they will compare him to his brothers, tell him that they are getting old, that he i s a bad son, etc.
I try to make him feel better by telling him that this is his family's very odd way of showing love. They think they are doing what is best for him and we try to maintain a good relationship with them. But at the same time I feel like I've adopted my husband's issues with his family and it is making me extremely stressed. I'm a very shy and quiet person, and in a loud, pushy family of eight (not including his siblings' husbands/ wives and children) I am at my most anxious. I sometimes feel like my MIL and her daughters gang up on me or compare me to his brothers' wives. They also do not respect my need to spend time with my own family, and expect me to give up ALL my time, ambition and dreams to be the cookie-cutter version of a daughter in law they want.
I am head over heels in love with my husband, and would never ever dream of leaving him over this issue. But we both need to find a way to deal with his interfering family. I want to know what it feels like to make your own decisions and not have a persistent feeling of guilt all the time. It's been a year and almost nothing has changed.
If you've made it till here, thanks so much for reading! :) I really appreciate it. What advice do you have for dealing with interfering in-laws if you still want to maintain a relationship with them? Any tips for how to help my husband without insulting his family (he does love them after all)?
I'd really appreciate any tips or advice! I am a newly married (one year) female with extremely, suffocatingly controlling and interfering in-laws.
My husband comes from a very large family with a very strong mother, who controls every aspect of her husband and children's lives. She pressures her children into everything, including when they will have children, where they will live and where to work (!). I come from a very small family that respects personal choice/space, and so this is a shock to me. I often feel like an outsider because the way I think or behave is extremely different.
What complicates the matter further is the fact that my husband works for his father's company along with his brothers. My FIL is a sweetheart but is a horrible boss. He is always telling my husband that he is not good enough, is a terrible employee and would never survive in the outside world. This is in spite of them (literally) forcing my husband to work for the family company and him working long hours six days a week.
On top of all this, there is mounting pressure on us to have a baby, although we are not ready at all. We want to wait another year at least, but his parents find the idea laughable! Almost every single day, we get phone calls or long lectures about how we shouldn't wait any longer because we will then be too old (I'm 25 and my husband is 29). When they found out I was on the Pill, they almost had a breakdown! It does not help that we live in close proximity to them either. We are expected to visit them several times a week, taking time out of the precious few hours we have together every day. When we are at his parents house, his father will discuss business with my husband. When my husband is at work, his father will discuss personal issues on company time (usually about our reluctance to have a child now). There is NO line separating work from home!
My husband stands by me 100 percent. He is extremely supportive of everything I do, and disagrees with his family and their behavior. He has tried countless times to talk to his parents about giving us our personal space, but with no luck. It is a tricky situation since we are unfortunately financially dependent on them. I've told my husband countless times that I do not mind living on half the salary if it means we get to live our OWN lives and make our OWN decisions, but he feels a duty towards us to make sure we are financially comfortable, and that means working with the family. He often comes home stressed and upset (but NEVER takes it out on me- he always tries to keep a happy smile on his face but I can see through it) and I really do feel like his family is putting a LOT of pressure on our marriage. His family's favorite tactic to get him to do what they want is to guilt him into it-- they will compare him to his brothers, tell him that they are getting old, that he i s a bad son, etc.
I try to make him feel better by telling him that this is his family's very odd way of showing love. They think they are doing what is best for him and we try to maintain a good relationship with them. But at the same time I feel like I've adopted my husband's issues with his family and it is making me extremely stressed. I'm a very shy and quiet person, and in a loud, pushy family of eight (not including his siblings' husbands/ wives and children) I am at my most anxious. I sometimes feel like my MIL and her daughters gang up on me or compare me to his brothers' wives. They also do not respect my need to spend time with my own family, and expect me to give up ALL my time, ambition and dreams to be the cookie-cutter version of a daughter in law they want.
I am head over heels in love with my husband, and would never ever dream of leaving him over this issue. But we both need to find a way to deal with his interfering family. I want to know what it feels like to make your own decisions and not have a persistent feeling of guilt all the time. It's been a year and almost nothing has changed.
If you've made it till here, thanks so much for reading! :) I really appreciate it. What advice do you have for dealing with interfering in-laws if you still want to maintain a relationship with them? Any tips for how to help my husband without insulting his family (he does love them after all)?
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