Hi,
44 yrs M, married for 20 years, for the last 5 years have strong growing desire to leave the marriage. Married young, she was my first girl, she fell for me while I was not in love, but she was more like friend with benefits to me. I always had problems say ILY words to her, always forced myself in response, had problems showing affection, especially on public, I was literally ashamed of her at times (she is petite and pretty but I was just not into her). Nevertheless we got married at hasty circumstances. The problem started from first years of marriage, again no affection from me, I started to avoid her sexually and withdraw for months (well that happened even before marriage while dating, we dates 4 years). On her concerns I usually responded with lame explanations that it's temporary and tried to fix it myself. She usually was satisfied with answer. But after some time it would repeat again and again. For the last 5 years we are sexless (few times a year) and now it's alm ost an year of dry spell. This time finally I started to analyse and came to the conclusion about reasons of my PA behavior: I can't love her and have deep regret of settling hard.
Here's some of my issues identified:
- Lack of emotional intimacy due to psychological problems in communication (call it compatibility?): from the day I knew her, I always had this very uncomfortable feeling of being judged when something comes up that she does not approve. And she is very conservative and strict to many things, almost puritan. For instance does not like to watch films with erotic scenes, with the F word (she never said it in her life ever). So I can't laugh at some edgy jokes in front of her, can't say a dirty word when it's appropriate, don't watch and laugh at some movies together. She does not like to drink and have fun (not that I'm a drinker but would love to do it with wife, I hate drink alone). The feeling I get from her is like being paralyzed by electric shock: she would not say much but will emit those rays you feel for hours. Very very uncomfortable. So I just avoid all these activities all the time. No fun in my house.
- Different temperaments: I'm very active, adventures and passionate (I play guitar jazz and blues for fun to express my feelings). She is homey, reserved and keeps everything inside. She also plays music - very "proper" and cold way. My friends always wondered, why her music lacks "sex". I just learned that she's been quietly crying all these years because of lack of attention from me. But she still loves and believes I will turn better.
- Lack of initial chemistry and physical attraction: she was in love with me, I didn't. I did not know that there was such thing as love, so I just went along for a ride, bad decision.
- I realized that I'm totally turned off by her "righteousness". This has been always problem, communicating sexual intentions and desires also an issue. She is not sensual in everyday life either: no revealing clothes, flirtation, minimum make up and hairdressing, no interest in heels and lingerie. And very passive in bed (when we slept together): all initiative is mine. No passion, connection, talk, communication. This is just who she is.
All this may be workable but the last thing is she turned at some point born-again fundamentalist Christian while me being an atheist. This contributed to us drifting apart even further. I have no interest to build close relationship with whatever spirit is talking from her head. All I hear is verses from bible of some interpretations heard from pastors. I really want to talk to the person with authentic thinking. On top of it she takes kids to the endless church events and groups and this makes me sad seeing how young minds being indoctrinated. Kids are sad too, that their dad is going to hell. Oh, well...
While on the outside our marriage is a candy: beautiful family, bright kids, nice house in a great place, activities, vacations, hobbies. Inside is lack of love, loneliness and emptiness. She does suffer from my lack of affection and love but surprisingly silent for years. I finally told her about all my feelings and reservations and shared my thoughts about leaving marriage at 50, when kids get older. She is taking it well, no crying, but said if I decide to leave then it should be now, not later.
If I stay, her solution is to start study bible and pray until god gives me love. I tried few years, and went to church to no avail, sorry not a believer type, too much critical thinking.
Has anyone worked similar problems with faith/atheism intimacy issue and luck of initial love? Is it possible to build something usable on such shaky foundation without having common shared values? Sounds to me being an engineer, it's not going to fly. Our MC (not an atheist) thinks it's not possible either.
She stays at home mom with two kids. I make all living, so divorce would cut us both in half, but I could sustain it and leave them a house and pay for it until she finds someone. But kids are still young and it's no good to them. It's so painful to break everyone's lives because of this. I'd appreciate your opinions, ideas.
Thanks!
44 yrs M, married for 20 years, for the last 5 years have strong growing desire to leave the marriage. Married young, she was my first girl, she fell for me while I was not in love, but she was more like friend with benefits to me. I always had problems say ILY words to her, always forced myself in response, had problems showing affection, especially on public, I was literally ashamed of her at times (she is petite and pretty but I was just not into her). Nevertheless we got married at hasty circumstances. The problem started from first years of marriage, again no affection from me, I started to avoid her sexually and withdraw for months (well that happened even before marriage while dating, we dates 4 years). On her concerns I usually responded with lame explanations that it's temporary and tried to fix it myself. She usually was satisfied with answer. But after some time it would repeat again and again. For the last 5 years we are sexless (few times a year) and now it's alm ost an year of dry spell. This time finally I started to analyse and came to the conclusion about reasons of my PA behavior: I can't love her and have deep regret of settling hard.
Here's some of my issues identified:
- Lack of emotional intimacy due to psychological problems in communication (call it compatibility?): from the day I knew her, I always had this very uncomfortable feeling of being judged when something comes up that she does not approve. And she is very conservative and strict to many things, almost puritan. For instance does not like to watch films with erotic scenes, with the F word (she never said it in her life ever). So I can't laugh at some edgy jokes in front of her, can't say a dirty word when it's appropriate, don't watch and laugh at some movies together. She does not like to drink and have fun (not that I'm a drinker but would love to do it with wife, I hate drink alone). The feeling I get from her is like being paralyzed by electric shock: she would not say much but will emit those rays you feel for hours. Very very uncomfortable. So I just avoid all these activities all the time. No fun in my house.
- Different temperaments: I'm very active, adventures and passionate (I play guitar jazz and blues for fun to express my feelings). She is homey, reserved and keeps everything inside. She also plays music - very "proper" and cold way. My friends always wondered, why her music lacks "sex". I just learned that she's been quietly crying all these years because of lack of attention from me. But she still loves and believes I will turn better.
- Lack of initial chemistry and physical attraction: she was in love with me, I didn't. I did not know that there was such thing as love, so I just went along for a ride, bad decision.
- I realized that I'm totally turned off by her "righteousness". This has been always problem, communicating sexual intentions and desires also an issue. She is not sensual in everyday life either: no revealing clothes, flirtation, minimum make up and hairdressing, no interest in heels and lingerie. And very passive in bed (when we slept together): all initiative is mine. No passion, connection, talk, communication. This is just who she is.
All this may be workable but the last thing is she turned at some point born-again fundamentalist Christian while me being an atheist. This contributed to us drifting apart even further. I have no interest to build close relationship with whatever spirit is talking from her head. All I hear is verses from bible of some interpretations heard from pastors. I really want to talk to the person with authentic thinking. On top of it she takes kids to the endless church events and groups and this makes me sad seeing how young minds being indoctrinated. Kids are sad too, that their dad is going to hell. Oh, well...
While on the outside our marriage is a candy: beautiful family, bright kids, nice house in a great place, activities, vacations, hobbies. Inside is lack of love, loneliness and emptiness. She does suffer from my lack of affection and love but surprisingly silent for years. I finally told her about all my feelings and reservations and shared my thoughts about leaving marriage at 50, when kids get older. She is taking it well, no crying, but said if I decide to leave then it should be now, not later.
If I stay, her solution is to start study bible and pray until god gives me love. I tried few years, and went to church to no avail, sorry not a believer type, too much critical thinking.
Has anyone worked similar problems with faith/atheism intimacy issue and luck of initial love? Is it possible to build something usable on such shaky foundation without having common shared values? Sounds to me being an engineer, it's not going to fly. Our MC (not an atheist) thinks it's not possible either.
She stays at home mom with two kids. I make all living, so divorce would cut us both in half, but I could sustain it and leave them a house and pay for it until she finds someone. But kids are still young and it's no good to them. It's so painful to break everyone's lives because of this. I'd appreciate your opinions, ideas.
Thanks!
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