Where to begin?
2 years ago, in difficult circumstances, I met the love of my life. We both had our own issues, plenty of them, but we battled through them and were madly in love with each other. We lived together, ran a business together and were engaged to be married. Life was good.
The biggest issue I had were various skeletons from my past which were hiding in my closet, and one by one gradually came tumbling out - in the process destroying the cosy little life we had built, and all my own fault. Had I been honest about these things, we could have worked through them, but instead I hid them and let them ruin everything.
We went our separate ways, and things were pretty unpleasant between us for a few weeks, it all turned quite bitter. Then we met up again to try and talk things through, to settle the unpleasantness in the hope that we could both walk away as friends. And we realised then that we still loved each other. Because of all that had gone on, it wasn't the case that we could just pick up where we left off - there were family issues, older children involved who had been caught up in it all, it was impossible.
We continued to have a relationship, but not a proper one - meeting up where we could, skulking around, snathing time together but not truly able to be together. It wasn't a workable situation, and ultimately it fell apart again. In time, she met somebody else and began a relationship with them - but after only a short period we were back meeting up again whilst they were still in a relationship. Not just for sex, but to spend time together. I knew it was wrong, she knew it was wrong, but it happened and we both treasured those times together.
The relationship she was in faded away, due to other day-to-day pressures, but because of the family issues I stayed in the background. We started working together again, and as a result managed to overcome some of the family complications - but she decided to give things another go with the fella she had been seeing and, realising it was wrong, I took something of a step back and put my feelings to one side. I love her with all of my heart, but there has been enough hurt and I didn't want to hurt anybody any more.
He has been unfaithful, and she has caught him out, which is obviously making things very difficult in their relationship. I'm still around, not for any kind of inappropriate reasons but simply because we work together and we are the closest of friends - although there has been nothing more since they got back together.
She is struggling to deal with not only his cheating, but the fact she has done the same herself. And as a friend who cares more about her than his own feelings, I am there for her. She has made advances towards me, but out of respect I have kept a distance - the most difficult thing I have ever done, because I do love her so dearly.
I think my attachment to her is bourne from my past - I was abused as a child, and as a result was never able to form "normal" relationships, nor did I have any interest in a sexual relationship until I met this person. To me, such intimacy comes with true love - and I have no interest in any relationship with anybody else. I love her, and if I cannot be with her I would rather not be with anybody.
I'm just at a bit of a loss, because it's not a case of "letting go and moving on" - that simply wont happen, putting to one side I have managed with difficulty, but that is all I can ever do. I just don't know what is right.
Part of me wants to do all I can to show her how I feel, part of me tells me that I should remain there as a friend (as I always will do, no matter what) but keep my own feelings out of the way so that I don't make things harder for her.
It's all such a mess...
Put the internet to work for you.
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