Wife and I have been married for 8 years, we're both in late 40's. We had known each other since we were kids and had even dated a bit in high school but my occupation took me away for 20+ years. So everything was great while we were dating and we dated about 4 years before we were engaged. After we were engaged I noticed a palpable change in the dynamics of our relationship but didn't think much of it. We were engaged about 6 months before we married and then it was as if someone just turned off the light. A couple months after our wedding I asked my wife why we didn't have sex as often as we used to. Her reply was, "We're together all the time now we don't have to".
Don't HAVE to?
Yeah, it's like that
At the time I was in such disbelief that I didn't know what to say. I had never heard anything like that before. Prior to our wedding we did everything so going from 100-0 was quite a shock and looking back I should have not let that issue settle without some rigorous investigation. So sex settled into a very predictable monthly occurrence. Anymore I don't really care if we have sex or not cause I really don't think she likes it, it's just hop on, hop off. During sex she has even said "Hurry up, we've got things to do!" This being typically on a Saturday morning......... after about 5 minutes of sex............. with really nothing more important to do than feed the cats, take out the trash, eat breakfast, you know all those things that are SO much more important than being intimate with your spouse. It's just very contradictory to what we did before we were married and it all came to a screeching halt quite definitely on our wedding day. Come to think of it we only had sex o nce on our honeymoon.
This is not all about sex though. It took quite a while to figure out that her statement didn't just apply to sex, it was applicable to everything. It's like she looked at the wedding as the end of a process. In her mind I imagine the dialogue must be, "I've caught him so no need to continue doing all the things that attracted him to me". I really refrain from calling it bait-n-switch as I don't really think she consciously did that but that phrase would be fairly applicable from the casual observer. Funny thing is we had a discussion about this last summer and I made mention of how everyone gets her best and I get what's left over. Her response was that again, "being together all the time, you're not always going to get my best". Thing is I NEVER get her best.
To compound things my wife is a people pleaser and very self-deprecating. It's exhausting. Any compliment is shot down and don't even express any displeasure in anything cause that will incite her to bring out her slave character. You have to be so careful with your words because again a compliment is turned into displeasure in something else because you didn't compliment EVERYTHING. I have learned to not fight it because people like this have an underlying issue. What it is in her case I don't know. I have offered counseling, offered for her to try as many as she liked until she found one that suits her but she believes that counselors side with the patient footing the bill. Funny thing is she has been working for a Psychiatrist/Counselor for 25+ years.
It's all very depressing. I love her dearly and on those rare occasions when we are in synch it's freakin' great and we have a wonderful time together but it's VERY infrequent.........with me. Now with her daughter and grandkids, life is just a party and anymore I hate to be around when they're all together cause it's a visual reminder of the attention, affection and joy we shared before we married. A counselor explained to me the hierarchy of relationships and yes my wife, her daughter and grandkids occupy the top of the pyramid in their own little bubble while I float around outside somewhere on the periphery.
Don't HAVE to?
Yeah, it's like that
At the time I was in such disbelief that I didn't know what to say. I had never heard anything like that before. Prior to our wedding we did everything so going from 100-0 was quite a shock and looking back I should have not let that issue settle without some rigorous investigation. So sex settled into a very predictable monthly occurrence. Anymore I don't really care if we have sex or not cause I really don't think she likes it, it's just hop on, hop off. During sex she has even said "Hurry up, we've got things to do!" This being typically on a Saturday morning......... after about 5 minutes of sex............. with really nothing more important to do than feed the cats, take out the trash, eat breakfast, you know all those things that are SO much more important than being intimate with your spouse. It's just very contradictory to what we did before we were married and it all came to a screeching halt quite definitely on our wedding day. Come to think of it we only had sex o nce on our honeymoon.
This is not all about sex though. It took quite a while to figure out that her statement didn't just apply to sex, it was applicable to everything. It's like she looked at the wedding as the end of a process. In her mind I imagine the dialogue must be, "I've caught him so no need to continue doing all the things that attracted him to me". I really refrain from calling it bait-n-switch as I don't really think she consciously did that but that phrase would be fairly applicable from the casual observer. Funny thing is we had a discussion about this last summer and I made mention of how everyone gets her best and I get what's left over. Her response was that again, "being together all the time, you're not always going to get my best". Thing is I NEVER get her best.
To compound things my wife is a people pleaser and very self-deprecating. It's exhausting. Any compliment is shot down and don't even express any displeasure in anything cause that will incite her to bring out her slave character. You have to be so careful with your words because again a compliment is turned into displeasure in something else because you didn't compliment EVERYTHING. I have learned to not fight it because people like this have an underlying issue. What it is in her case I don't know. I have offered counseling, offered for her to try as many as she liked until she found one that suits her but she believes that counselors side with the patient footing the bill. Funny thing is she has been working for a Psychiatrist/Counselor for 25+ years.
It's all very depressing. I love her dearly and on those rare occasions when we are in synch it's freakin' great and we have a wonderful time together but it's VERY infrequent.........with me. Now with her daughter and grandkids, life is just a party and anymore I hate to be around when they're all together cause it's a visual reminder of the attention, affection and joy we shared before we married. A counselor explained to me the hierarchy of relationships and yes my wife, her daughter and grandkids occupy the top of the pyramid in their own little bubble while I float around outside somewhere on the periphery.
Put the internet to work for you.
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