I have an on going issue with my husband and his constant need to defend his side of the family. What makes matters worse is that , no one is intentionally offending his family at all.
It all started when we needed childcare. One of the main reason we opted for his mother was because we could not afford regular childcare it was way to expensive for 2 kids. Now before I continue , please don't misunderstand me in thinking that i think a grandparent shouldn't get monetary reward for caring for ones kids, I just feel that since it is family , the rates should not be as high as a proffessional Day Care/babysitter( licensed). I know in every family is different , but for example when i was younger my mother would pay my grandmother by paying one of her bills , or by taking her food shopping , etc, and that's how the majority of people i know do it. When my husband started working full time , we came to an agreement of paying her $150 a week, we were still very tight financially but it was cheaper than a day care, so we did it . My husbands job lowered his hours and he started working per diem, when this happened I told him, since he would not be working everyd ay, we didn't have to take the kids to his mom on days he didn't work to save us the money. When he told his mother this , her response was " oh but if you take them to a day care , you would still have to pay the days the kids don't attend, but if that's the case , then i will just charge $40 a day , for the days they do come" I found this absurd, that means if we needed her for 3 days in a week , it would come out to 120 for just 3 days. when we were paying her 150 for a whole week,huh :confused: ? Despite not being comfortable with this , I kept my mouth quiet, regardless we still needed someone to care for our kids. A few weeks later my husband was laid off. Fast forward to July , my husband starts working again Full time, I tell him to see if his mother is ok with her caring for the kids again, he suddenly says " she can care for the kids , but i am not paying her $150 a week" so i say , well how much do you want to pay her because $600 a month is a bit out of our reach as it is. He says about $200 a week. I told him that , $200 a week was impossible there was no way we can afford $800 a month , and if that was the case i can look for a day care for a licensed sitter. We argued for about 2 weeks about this , and when he saw i was serious about getting childcare elsewhere he said " fine i will talk to her so that it's still $600 a month. A month passes by and i end up losing my job. Pay day arrived and my husband is adamant about giving his mother 300 dollars for childcare, i tell him to hold on for one moment , and that we had to recalculate since we no longer had my income, and that we can pay her in installments , as we still had to pay our important expenses (rent, light etc..). He completely flipped it on me and started saying that she deserved to get paid, but i never said she didnt deserve payment , all i said was that we couldn't afford to just take out $300 in one shot at that very moment as it would leave us close to broke, but n o he just kept on insisting on giving her the $300, and that the light and rent could wait( this made me sick to my stomach). So he went ahead and paid her , the next pay day came , and again he gave her the other $300 to complete the month or so i thought. On the 3rd pay day, she came around again, when i asked my husband what was going on because i overheard her asking if you received his check, he says " oh she came to pick up the last of what we owe her" I said what do you mean , and he said " the 200 to complete the month of childcare". I could not believe that despite me disagreeing with paying $800 a month , he still told her that he would pay that . What gets me even more upset is that those $800 dollars set us back with alllll of our bills , we are still trying to play catch up , and he can't admit it.. Instead he made me feel as if had a personal issue against his mom , and that i just did not want my kids to stay with her, when that was not the case at all.
This past week , we got into an argument because he got upset that i didn't ask my aunt if i could bring his parents to her house for dinner, and because of this he made a decision to not attend my family's dinner,which really hurt my feelings, in the 4 years of our marriage this is the first time that someone from my side of the family besides my mom has invited us over for dinner. Everyone in my family lives 1.5 hr or more away and we hardly see each other, so this was important for me, and its not that i have a problem doing things with his parents , as a matter of fact , any plan that i make i always invite his family,since we have been together , every holiday , i have invited them to my mother's house. I actually do more things with his side of the family than i do with my own, i always treat them very nice , i have never been rude or disrespectful in anyway. I just didn't feel like it would be appropriate to ask my aunt if i could add people to the list, since her e -mail only asked if us we were attending , but he doesn't understand that. He just insists that i have a problem with them because i didn't want to ask that , and yes this does offend me.
I just don't know how to handle this. I truly don't, i try to speak to him , i try to explain things, and let him know that it has nothing at all to do with his parents. But he blows it all out of porportion, he starts saying that i obviously have an issue with them. How can you think like that just because i didn't want to intrude and ask my aunt if more guest can come. How can he think that i dont want my kids around his mother because i am simply saying that we cant afford to pay for something at the moment.
I am sorry this is a long rant , i just needed to vent and looking for some advice. I dont know how to go by this issue. It makes me really upset because despite this issue, my husband is a great guy, and a great father , but this makes me not want to be with him, because i feel as i am being pushed aside.
Thanks for listening ! or Reading
It all started when we needed childcare. One of the main reason we opted for his mother was because we could not afford regular childcare it was way to expensive for 2 kids. Now before I continue , please don't misunderstand me in thinking that i think a grandparent shouldn't get monetary reward for caring for ones kids, I just feel that since it is family , the rates should not be as high as a proffessional Day Care/babysitter( licensed). I know in every family is different , but for example when i was younger my mother would pay my grandmother by paying one of her bills , or by taking her food shopping , etc, and that's how the majority of people i know do it. When my husband started working full time , we came to an agreement of paying her $150 a week, we were still very tight financially but it was cheaper than a day care, so we did it . My husbands job lowered his hours and he started working per diem, when this happened I told him, since he would not be working everyd ay, we didn't have to take the kids to his mom on days he didn't work to save us the money. When he told his mother this , her response was " oh but if you take them to a day care , you would still have to pay the days the kids don't attend, but if that's the case , then i will just charge $40 a day , for the days they do come" I found this absurd, that means if we needed her for 3 days in a week , it would come out to 120 for just 3 days. when we were paying her 150 for a whole week,huh :confused: ? Despite not being comfortable with this , I kept my mouth quiet, regardless we still needed someone to care for our kids. A few weeks later my husband was laid off. Fast forward to July , my husband starts working again Full time, I tell him to see if his mother is ok with her caring for the kids again, he suddenly says " she can care for the kids , but i am not paying her $150 a week" so i say , well how much do you want to pay her because $600 a month is a bit out of our reach as it is. He says about $200 a week. I told him that , $200 a week was impossible there was no way we can afford $800 a month , and if that was the case i can look for a day care for a licensed sitter. We argued for about 2 weeks about this , and when he saw i was serious about getting childcare elsewhere he said " fine i will talk to her so that it's still $600 a month. A month passes by and i end up losing my job. Pay day arrived and my husband is adamant about giving his mother 300 dollars for childcare, i tell him to hold on for one moment , and that we had to recalculate since we no longer had my income, and that we can pay her in installments , as we still had to pay our important expenses (rent, light etc..). He completely flipped it on me and started saying that she deserved to get paid, but i never said she didnt deserve payment , all i said was that we couldn't afford to just take out $300 in one shot at that very moment as it would leave us close to broke, but n o he just kept on insisting on giving her the $300, and that the light and rent could wait( this made me sick to my stomach). So he went ahead and paid her , the next pay day came , and again he gave her the other $300 to complete the month or so i thought. On the 3rd pay day, she came around again, when i asked my husband what was going on because i overheard her asking if you received his check, he says " oh she came to pick up the last of what we owe her" I said what do you mean , and he said " the 200 to complete the month of childcare". I could not believe that despite me disagreeing with paying $800 a month , he still told her that he would pay that . What gets me even more upset is that those $800 dollars set us back with alllll of our bills , we are still trying to play catch up , and he can't admit it.. Instead he made me feel as if had a personal issue against his mom , and that i just did not want my kids to stay with her, when that was not the case at all.
This past week , we got into an argument because he got upset that i didn't ask my aunt if i could bring his parents to her house for dinner, and because of this he made a decision to not attend my family's dinner,which really hurt my feelings, in the 4 years of our marriage this is the first time that someone from my side of the family besides my mom has invited us over for dinner. Everyone in my family lives 1.5 hr or more away and we hardly see each other, so this was important for me, and its not that i have a problem doing things with his parents , as a matter of fact , any plan that i make i always invite his family,since we have been together , every holiday , i have invited them to my mother's house. I actually do more things with his side of the family than i do with my own, i always treat them very nice , i have never been rude or disrespectful in anyway. I just didn't feel like it would be appropriate to ask my aunt if i could add people to the list, since her e -mail only asked if us we were attending , but he doesn't understand that. He just insists that i have a problem with them because i didn't want to ask that , and yes this does offend me.
I just don't know how to handle this. I truly don't, i try to speak to him , i try to explain things, and let him know that it has nothing at all to do with his parents. But he blows it all out of porportion, he starts saying that i obviously have an issue with them. How can you think like that just because i didn't want to intrude and ask my aunt if more guest can come. How can he think that i dont want my kids around his mother because i am simply saying that we cant afford to pay for something at the moment.
I am sorry this is a long rant , i just needed to vent and looking for some advice. I dont know how to go by this issue. It makes me really upset because despite this issue, my husband is a great guy, and a great father , but this makes me not want to be with him, because i feel as i am being pushed aside.
Thanks for listening ! or Reading
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