I've taken time off from work and now H wants to retire and I should start earning again. But I believe that may mean the end of our 6-yr marriage.
I moved here for H's job 3 yrs ago. I found volunteer and consulting work my first year, then after a bad fallout at a volunteer clinic where both H & I worked, I took a step back to learn about workplace bullying (since that's how it was finally labeled) and to get therapy for how the attack had affected me. (See my other thread for info.)
Recently I received a series of unsolicited, heartfelt and anguished written and verbal apologies from everyone involved except the original ringleader of the attack on me, and a lawsuit has been filed by another victim of that situation claiming damages for slander and economic losses. We suspect the woman at the heart of the bullying attacks is a sociopath or BPD (she's been described as "having behaviors consistent with Cluster B personality disorders" without a strict diagnosis). Other medical professionals involved are having their careers threatened, etc. So I am recovering from a truly horrific confrontation with some of the worst in humanity. I was in fact lucky to be among the first to jump ship and raise the alarm. The whole affair in fact has become a local scandal.
Luckily, I healed well due to excellent PTSD therapy that reached back into all kinds of earlier issues. Hard work, but worth it, and I feel vastly different after having my professional and personal life torn apart for over a year. H & I sought out both IC & MC and miraculously are pretty happy together now.
I was in the middle of a certification program when this episode began and finally, on the recommendation of my therapist, I took a leave of absence. Unfortunately, the program was time-sensitive and the director has withdrawn her offer to allow me to continue. Instead I will receive a certificate for completing the first half, which has dubious value in the marketplace right now.
My question is whether to re-enroll (paying full tuition all over again), complete it, and go on in this expanded capacity within my field.
The reason this is no longer cut and dried is because I feel so different now. I feel I have lost my drive and competitive edge. I saw the negative effects of what happens to people when winning is everything. I am far more aware of how unhappy and stressed people appear to be in the workplace.
I have read on other threads some men making disparaging remarks about how women don't want to go back out into the marketplace once they've become stay-at-homes. We just can't take it. Or we're lazy.
Thus I am embarrassed to admit: I hesitate to go back out there. For example, a helpful admin at the hospital where H works sent my CV to the person who would supervise me if I were to work with this new certification (assuming I completed it). That person immediately, and rudely, slammed the door in my face--he saw me as a threat because my qualifications would put me at the level of admin, not minion. Why complete the certification if the field is full of small-minded people protecting their petty fiefdoms? I don't see the workplace as healthy at all, and my therapist warned me that he is seeing more & more deeply damaged people, especially in ancillary medical fields and the helping professions in general.
I have told my H it's time for us to open a B&B, or a dive shop in the Caribbean. I don't know that I can return to my old kind of work and fight back against the biting competition, the put-downs, the constant sense of threat. I've seen it for years ever since earning my graduate degrees. Backstabbing, infighting, and sabotage. I have had my research stolen on several occasions. You have to be vigilant and not too trusting. It's stressful and competitive. One grows hardened.
Some of that is par for the course and we are all expected to cope with it. And many workplaces are relatively free of it. I know. (H has wonderful colleagues.)
What troubles me is the seeming sea-change in my heart. I no longer want to work and fight with my "masculine" side as I used to. In my 18 months of sitting in the bleachers and healing, I have shifted back to my feminine self--and I found I had missed it.
More than that, I fear that if I go back to working in the hard-a$$ marketplace and having to put on my big-boy pants every day to cope with the stress, it will trash my marriage--which barely survived what happened. My H expected me to be big and tough and "strong," as he put it. Really?
I'm not sure that's who I want to be in my marriage. I also do not believe my H wants that. Why do men say that want "strong women" but then you end up feeling like roommates?
One effect of our falling-out, during this bad episode, was I lost my desire for him (it has since returned). You could chalk that up to the depression that came, but it lingered--I was so angry at him for wanting me to be this Top Gun solo fighter. Does a strong woman need a man?
BTW, H does not need to retire; the money is good (far beyond what I can make, having so many breaks in my career path), the schedule is tolerable (3 d/wk), they like him enough to keep him a few more years. He just thinks it's normal to retire at a certain point like his dad and much older brother did (but they were teachers!). My dad, also a doc, just retired a few months ago (I am 11+ yrs younger than H). So I don't understand H's "need" to suddenly quit and do…. what? He says: "Travel." How will I do that if I also have to work? His insistence on travel is one reason my work record got spotty after we got together 8 yrs ago!
Despite the difficulties, our life actually got smoother, calmer, and healthier while I stayed at home this past year; we notably saved money with my fine-tuned managerial skills. I am deeply appreciative of H's ability to support us, and I work my tail off managing everything else so he can relax and take things for granted. Maybe he doesn't realize how much that is worth. And if I go back to work, will he do that for me? DOUBTFUL! I'm exhausted just contemplating the double duty--and having to tell an employer "sorry, my H wants me to travel with him."
I moved here for H's job 3 yrs ago. I found volunteer and consulting work my first year, then after a bad fallout at a volunteer clinic where both H & I worked, I took a step back to learn about workplace bullying (since that's how it was finally labeled) and to get therapy for how the attack had affected me. (See my other thread for info.)
Recently I received a series of unsolicited, heartfelt and anguished written and verbal apologies from everyone involved except the original ringleader of the attack on me, and a lawsuit has been filed by another victim of that situation claiming damages for slander and economic losses. We suspect the woman at the heart of the bullying attacks is a sociopath or BPD (she's been described as "having behaviors consistent with Cluster B personality disorders" without a strict diagnosis). Other medical professionals involved are having their careers threatened, etc. So I am recovering from a truly horrific confrontation with some of the worst in humanity. I was in fact lucky to be among the first to jump ship and raise the alarm. The whole affair in fact has become a local scandal.
Luckily, I healed well due to excellent PTSD therapy that reached back into all kinds of earlier issues. Hard work, but worth it, and I feel vastly different after having my professional and personal life torn apart for over a year. H & I sought out both IC & MC and miraculously are pretty happy together now.
I was in the middle of a certification program when this episode began and finally, on the recommendation of my therapist, I took a leave of absence. Unfortunately, the program was time-sensitive and the director has withdrawn her offer to allow me to continue. Instead I will receive a certificate for completing the first half, which has dubious value in the marketplace right now.
My question is whether to re-enroll (paying full tuition all over again), complete it, and go on in this expanded capacity within my field.
The reason this is no longer cut and dried is because I feel so different now. I feel I have lost my drive and competitive edge. I saw the negative effects of what happens to people when winning is everything. I am far more aware of how unhappy and stressed people appear to be in the workplace.
I have read on other threads some men making disparaging remarks about how women don't want to go back out into the marketplace once they've become stay-at-homes. We just can't take it. Or we're lazy.
Thus I am embarrassed to admit: I hesitate to go back out there. For example, a helpful admin at the hospital where H works sent my CV to the person who would supervise me if I were to work with this new certification (assuming I completed it). That person immediately, and rudely, slammed the door in my face--he saw me as a threat because my qualifications would put me at the level of admin, not minion. Why complete the certification if the field is full of small-minded people protecting their petty fiefdoms? I don't see the workplace as healthy at all, and my therapist warned me that he is seeing more & more deeply damaged people, especially in ancillary medical fields and the helping professions in general.
I have told my H it's time for us to open a B&B, or a dive shop in the Caribbean. I don't know that I can return to my old kind of work and fight back against the biting competition, the put-downs, the constant sense of threat. I've seen it for years ever since earning my graduate degrees. Backstabbing, infighting, and sabotage. I have had my research stolen on several occasions. You have to be vigilant and not too trusting. It's stressful and competitive. One grows hardened.
Some of that is par for the course and we are all expected to cope with it. And many workplaces are relatively free of it. I know. (H has wonderful colleagues.)
What troubles me is the seeming sea-change in my heart. I no longer want to work and fight with my "masculine" side as I used to. In my 18 months of sitting in the bleachers and healing, I have shifted back to my feminine self--and I found I had missed it.
More than that, I fear that if I go back to working in the hard-a$$ marketplace and having to put on my big-boy pants every day to cope with the stress, it will trash my marriage--which barely survived what happened. My H expected me to be big and tough and "strong," as he put it. Really?
I'm not sure that's who I want to be in my marriage. I also do not believe my H wants that. Why do men say that want "strong women" but then you end up feeling like roommates?
One effect of our falling-out, during this bad episode, was I lost my desire for him (it has since returned). You could chalk that up to the depression that came, but it lingered--I was so angry at him for wanting me to be this Top Gun solo fighter. Does a strong woman need a man?
BTW, H does not need to retire; the money is good (far beyond what I can make, having so many breaks in my career path), the schedule is tolerable (3 d/wk), they like him enough to keep him a few more years. He just thinks it's normal to retire at a certain point like his dad and much older brother did (but they were teachers!). My dad, also a doc, just retired a few months ago (I am 11+ yrs younger than H). So I don't understand H's "need" to suddenly quit and do…. what? He says: "Travel." How will I do that if I also have to work? His insistence on travel is one reason my work record got spotty after we got together 8 yrs ago!
Despite the difficulties, our life actually got smoother, calmer, and healthier while I stayed at home this past year; we notably saved money with my fine-tuned managerial skills. I am deeply appreciative of H's ability to support us, and I work my tail off managing everything else so he can relax and take things for granted. Maybe he doesn't realize how much that is worth. And if I go back to work, will he do that for me? DOUBTFUL! I'm exhausted just contemplating the double duty--and having to tell an employer "sorry, my H wants me to travel with him."
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