This is going to be a long post, but I really think I need to fully explain my situation.
I am 44, married 13, wife is 42, and we have 3 healthy and beautiful kids in elementary school. We are both overeducated professionals, in shape and fairly good looking. No drinking, no drugs, no excessive work, no affairs (at least on my part). I help to a fault with my kids and the house. We have a good life: nice house, private schools, and daily maid service. But I am very unhappy. The most obvious and hurtful symptom is the lack of a healthy sex life (which happens maybe 2 or 3 times per month… missionary and silent… a bj is completely out of the question). This is the way it has really been for quite a few years. I have to admit I did my share of dating before I met my wife, and I know for a fact how much fun the bedroom can be. My wife, on the other hand, was a 27 yr old virgin when I met her. She really had no dating experience. At the time she was coming to terms with an awfully mentally abusive dad. She, however, had a wonderful heart and loved me very much. Incredibly, somehow I assumed she would catch up and we would have an awesome sex life. But I was wrong, soon after we got married she retreated and has simply refused to explore any of it. Then kids got in the way, and things just went from bad to worse.
I have complained for years… trying everything I could think of to spark her sexy side: soft porn, educational sex movies, books about everything imaginable -from sex manuals to female erotica-, hardcore porn, every possible toy, sexy lingerie…. etc. The result: a bunch of un-opened things in our closet. I have suggested therapy, a trip to the doctor, talking about fantasies. Nothing. Somehow there is always an excuse: I don't know how to touch her, I always pick the "wrong moment", too tired, no time, too kinky, etc… All bull s***. She is never too tired to bake cookies and always has time to watch the Kardashians. At some point I just gave up, yet at the same time it continues to torture me.
Finally, after much fighting my wife has finally told me she will commit to a goal of having sex 3 times per month (according to her, this is her way of meeting me "half-way"). This is so absurdly disturbing I am seriously thinking about something I had always refused to even remotely consider: a divorce. This is no longer about sex but the plain fact she doesn't want to be intimate with me without conditions. I deserve better. Much better. No matter how much she tells me she loves me, I can't go on like this. I am horrified of the consequences for my children and this is not a decision that I can make lightly.
My plan: straight from the textbooks. I have asked her for therapy for Xmas for me (not because I can't afford it, but simply to make the point of what I am doing and hopefully get her to join in; I also want her to pick the therapist so that there is no question whatsoever about the consequences), go to the gym regularly, read a stack of self help books, get my finances in order, fully engage in my own interests, and start meeting new people. I feel I am getting old -two good friends died this year, another one has gone through some pretty brutal cancer treatment- and waiting for things to change at home is just not really an option for me anymore. I need change fast, -and for my kid's sake- hopefully my wife will be part of that change. Whatever happens, my children will remain my absolute priority.
Any feedback will be more than welcome. You can also send me private messages.
I am 44, married 13, wife is 42, and we have 3 healthy and beautiful kids in elementary school. We are both overeducated professionals, in shape and fairly good looking. No drinking, no drugs, no excessive work, no affairs (at least on my part). I help to a fault with my kids and the house. We have a good life: nice house, private schools, and daily maid service. But I am very unhappy. The most obvious and hurtful symptom is the lack of a healthy sex life (which happens maybe 2 or 3 times per month… missionary and silent… a bj is completely out of the question). This is the way it has really been for quite a few years. I have to admit I did my share of dating before I met my wife, and I know for a fact how much fun the bedroom can be. My wife, on the other hand, was a 27 yr old virgin when I met her. She really had no dating experience. At the time she was coming to terms with an awfully mentally abusive dad. She, however, had a wonderful heart and loved me very much. Incredibly, somehow I assumed she would catch up and we would have an awesome sex life. But I was wrong, soon after we got married she retreated and has simply refused to explore any of it. Then kids got in the way, and things just went from bad to worse.
I have complained for years… trying everything I could think of to spark her sexy side: soft porn, educational sex movies, books about everything imaginable -from sex manuals to female erotica-, hardcore porn, every possible toy, sexy lingerie…. etc. The result: a bunch of un-opened things in our closet. I have suggested therapy, a trip to the doctor, talking about fantasies. Nothing. Somehow there is always an excuse: I don't know how to touch her, I always pick the "wrong moment", too tired, no time, too kinky, etc… All bull s***. She is never too tired to bake cookies and always has time to watch the Kardashians. At some point I just gave up, yet at the same time it continues to torture me.
Finally, after much fighting my wife has finally told me she will commit to a goal of having sex 3 times per month (according to her, this is her way of meeting me "half-way"). This is so absurdly disturbing I am seriously thinking about something I had always refused to even remotely consider: a divorce. This is no longer about sex but the plain fact she doesn't want to be intimate with me without conditions. I deserve better. Much better. No matter how much she tells me she loves me, I can't go on like this. I am horrified of the consequences for my children and this is not a decision that I can make lightly.
My plan: straight from the textbooks. I have asked her for therapy for Xmas for me (not because I can't afford it, but simply to make the point of what I am doing and hopefully get her to join in; I also want her to pick the therapist so that there is no question whatsoever about the consequences), go to the gym regularly, read a stack of self help books, get my finances in order, fully engage in my own interests, and start meeting new people. I feel I am getting old -two good friends died this year, another one has gone through some pretty brutal cancer treatment- and waiting for things to change at home is just not really an option for me anymore. I need change fast, -and for my kid's sake- hopefully my wife will be part of that change. Whatever happens, my children will remain my absolute priority.
Any feedback will be more than welcome. You can also send me private messages.
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