Wow, never thought I would be posting on a forum like this. There is a lot of great info here. I am not the most illustrative of writers, but I will do my best to explain what happened and keep the thread updated if people are interested (I noticed several threads were the OP didn't return to say what happened)
So my wife started a new job in September, there was a lot of work for her to come up to speed on things. This entailed staying late usually 1 night a week. She told me she was staying late working with a coworker, and I didn't think much of it because it was a woman.
Then she decided she would get dinner with this person before they started their late night work, again no alarm bells. Then it was drinks after working (just the two of them), now this made me wonder since my wife doesn't really drink and usually likes to get to bed early.
During the last several weeks, my wife started talking about this person ALL the time (what a hoot she was, how much fun she was to be around), she also was becoming very short tempered with both me and our 5 year old son. I basically was not even getting eye contact from her and she didn't so much as want to sit and eat or watch a movie with me. Now my wife can be very very short tempered. When my son or I upset her, even over something trivial, she will say "I never wanted any of this, I wanted to live by myself with a dog". These moments would usually pass and I understood it was something she did, although I told her it upset me. I think it was this growing fantasy of escaping with this woman that was causing her to be short with me and our son.
About this time, curiosity got the better of me and I checked my wifes phone. There were hundreds of messages, mostly about work stuff, but also things like "miss you" "luv u!" etc. photos of the woman going about her daily activities and so forth. I questioned my wife about it and told her I thought it was strange, she told me it is how women communicate. Then she got angry that I read her messages. I noticed after that that there were obvious deletions in texts going back and forth.
Again, curiosity got the better of me so I devised a method of tracking her when she had her next late work night. Now at this time I had REALLY let my wife know that the situation was making me uncomfortable, that I felt ignored and that she was obsessing over this woman. She told me I was ridiculous, but did make a brief effort to be nicer to me. Now this woman invited herself to our son's birthday party (at least thats what my wife said) and I told her this made me really uncomfortable and was really inappropriate (it was a small gathering) Now this woman is pushing 50 while my wife is 36, this woman has two older children (and a husband) so there was no reason for her to be at the party. So I know that my wife stayed at work, went for a drink and then went - drumroll - to a vacant parking lot for about half an hour. At this point I lost it, accused her of cheating and said "how can you explain that" She claims she wanted to tell the woman not to come to the party b ecause I felt uncomfortable. This is where my BS detector went off. Over the last few days, I kept telling her how uncomfortable I am with all the constant texting and spending time together, then she locked her phone.
Yesterday was a weird day, she told me she loved me several times, even cuddled with me but the issue of this woman kept coming up. Now I was in the full press for the truth. I pushed and pushed, specifically about how can you explain being in a parking lot?
Finally I told her I knew what was going on because I found a way to recover her messages (I hadn't) and that the messages contained declarations of love for each other. I said, tell me the truth or I am sending this to her husband.
Then she blurted out "I'm in love with her" and now claims that what happened in the car is that they were talking about the birthday party and the woman said "yeah that would be hard to explain, I would have to tell them I'm in love with you" To which my wife reciprocated.
Again, this is her story and while I have doubts, I think it may well be the truth since the floodgates of truth opened up when I threatened to expose the "texts" to the womans husband.
Things got a little ugly here, as my wife basically kept insisting "we are friends and coworkers and I am not going to stop seeing her" I said, yes, you have to see her at work, but you shouldn't be spending time together alone outside of work hours, this relationship is not appropriate. This talking circle went around for awhile and then I kind of snapped and said "look, either continue with this and I am telling her family our parents, your friends, your boss or end this relationship and come to counseling with me"
Here is where she finally started to cry, only once the prospect of not continuing this relationship continued. She told me I was a control freak, that I had monitored her and tricked her into telling me the truth (not her exact words but yes, she was mad I tricked her into divulging the truth) She was getting really emotional and I said "should we get this woman on the phone and have a chat?" Finally I told my wife she should probably go talk to her because she was getting really angry and frankly I was a little scared (again she has a temper). I was expecting my wife to be gone a long time, but she was only gone about an hour. Came back, said they are not continuing (although all they did was acknowledge their feelings before and not act physically on them, according to my wife) It seems this woman does not want her family finding out and that they are going to stop seeing each other after work.
Oh, and I am a psycho control freak, she won't live in this "prison" with me anymore and she will go to counseling only as a means to find out how to proceed in the divorce process. This all happened last (sunday) night. Now today she is still extremely angry and not at all remoresful (through emails, of which I have tried to take the high road and not be angry)
So basically 2 weeks ago (at least when I noticed it) I noticed my wife shining up like a school girl in love when she talked about this woman, unending texting (with a big lovesick smile on her face) gave her ample warning that I was suspicious, was lied to and finally had to resort to some less than honorable means to get the truth.
This forum was helpful in that I knew I wanted to act quickly. Strangely, when my wife said "I am in love with her" I felt a weight had lifted off my chest because not only was she denying it, she was basically trying to convince me I was going insane for even questioning her and saying "I feel sorry for you that you have such unfounded anxiety"
Now I know a lot of people would say to leave her, but she is a good mother for the most part and I truly believe that staying together is the best for me my wife and especially our son. But it looks like I maybe dragged through the divorce wringer, which I am not looking forward to.
So my wife started a new job in September, there was a lot of work for her to come up to speed on things. This entailed staying late usually 1 night a week. She told me she was staying late working with a coworker, and I didn't think much of it because it was a woman.
Then she decided she would get dinner with this person before they started their late night work, again no alarm bells. Then it was drinks after working (just the two of them), now this made me wonder since my wife doesn't really drink and usually likes to get to bed early.
During the last several weeks, my wife started talking about this person ALL the time (what a hoot she was, how much fun she was to be around), she also was becoming very short tempered with both me and our 5 year old son. I basically was not even getting eye contact from her and she didn't so much as want to sit and eat or watch a movie with me. Now my wife can be very very short tempered. When my son or I upset her, even over something trivial, she will say "I never wanted any of this, I wanted to live by myself with a dog". These moments would usually pass and I understood it was something she did, although I told her it upset me. I think it was this growing fantasy of escaping with this woman that was causing her to be short with me and our son.
About this time, curiosity got the better of me and I checked my wifes phone. There were hundreds of messages, mostly about work stuff, but also things like "miss you" "luv u!" etc. photos of the woman going about her daily activities and so forth. I questioned my wife about it and told her I thought it was strange, she told me it is how women communicate. Then she got angry that I read her messages. I noticed after that that there were obvious deletions in texts going back and forth.
Again, curiosity got the better of me so I devised a method of tracking her when she had her next late work night. Now at this time I had REALLY let my wife know that the situation was making me uncomfortable, that I felt ignored and that she was obsessing over this woman. She told me I was ridiculous, but did make a brief effort to be nicer to me. Now this woman invited herself to our son's birthday party (at least thats what my wife said) and I told her this made me really uncomfortable and was really inappropriate (it was a small gathering) Now this woman is pushing 50 while my wife is 36, this woman has two older children (and a husband) so there was no reason for her to be at the party. So I know that my wife stayed at work, went for a drink and then went - drumroll - to a vacant parking lot for about half an hour. At this point I lost it, accused her of cheating and said "how can you explain that" She claims she wanted to tell the woman not to come to the party b ecause I felt uncomfortable. This is where my BS detector went off. Over the last few days, I kept telling her how uncomfortable I am with all the constant texting and spending time together, then she locked her phone.
Yesterday was a weird day, she told me she loved me several times, even cuddled with me but the issue of this woman kept coming up. Now I was in the full press for the truth. I pushed and pushed, specifically about how can you explain being in a parking lot?
Finally I told her I knew what was going on because I found a way to recover her messages (I hadn't) and that the messages contained declarations of love for each other. I said, tell me the truth or I am sending this to her husband.
Then she blurted out "I'm in love with her" and now claims that what happened in the car is that they were talking about the birthday party and the woman said "yeah that would be hard to explain, I would have to tell them I'm in love with you" To which my wife reciprocated.
Again, this is her story and while I have doubts, I think it may well be the truth since the floodgates of truth opened up when I threatened to expose the "texts" to the womans husband.
Things got a little ugly here, as my wife basically kept insisting "we are friends and coworkers and I am not going to stop seeing her" I said, yes, you have to see her at work, but you shouldn't be spending time together alone outside of work hours, this relationship is not appropriate. This talking circle went around for awhile and then I kind of snapped and said "look, either continue with this and I am telling her family our parents, your friends, your boss or end this relationship and come to counseling with me"
Here is where she finally started to cry, only once the prospect of not continuing this relationship continued. She told me I was a control freak, that I had monitored her and tricked her into telling me the truth (not her exact words but yes, she was mad I tricked her into divulging the truth) She was getting really emotional and I said "should we get this woman on the phone and have a chat?" Finally I told my wife she should probably go talk to her because she was getting really angry and frankly I was a little scared (again she has a temper). I was expecting my wife to be gone a long time, but she was only gone about an hour. Came back, said they are not continuing (although all they did was acknowledge their feelings before and not act physically on them, according to my wife) It seems this woman does not want her family finding out and that they are going to stop seeing each other after work.
Oh, and I am a psycho control freak, she won't live in this "prison" with me anymore and she will go to counseling only as a means to find out how to proceed in the divorce process. This all happened last (sunday) night. Now today she is still extremely angry and not at all remoresful (through emails, of which I have tried to take the high road and not be angry)
So basically 2 weeks ago (at least when I noticed it) I noticed my wife shining up like a school girl in love when she talked about this woman, unending texting (with a big lovesick smile on her face) gave her ample warning that I was suspicious, was lied to and finally had to resort to some less than honorable means to get the truth.
This forum was helpful in that I knew I wanted to act quickly. Strangely, when my wife said "I am in love with her" I felt a weight had lifted off my chest because not only was she denying it, she was basically trying to convince me I was going insane for even questioning her and saying "I feel sorry for you that you have such unfounded anxiety"
Now I know a lot of people would say to leave her, but she is a good mother for the most part and I truly believe that staying together is the best for me my wife and especially our son. But it looks like I maybe dragged through the divorce wringer, which I am not looking forward to.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment