| My first post and very difficult for me to write this. It is long and I apologize for this, but I feel it's important to set the baseline to get a somewhat better understanding of the situation. I have been married for 15+ years. My wife and I were together for nearly 2.5 years before we got married. I met here at work while in college when she was 21.5 and I was 22.5. We talked a lot at work and became friendly. After we had know each other for a few months I asked her out and we went to a park and had a nice time, however I couldn't get a read on her whether she liked me as a potential boyfriend. She was somewhat aloof and cautious yet also very friendly to me. I would call her and she wouldn't always call me back, yet when we saw each other there was never any awkwardness and I felt she went out of her way to speak to me. I developed a very strong crush on her at this time. After several weeks of this she came to a party that I had. When she was leaving I walked her to her car and tried to kiss her and she said she just wanted to be friends. I was devastated. I didn't see her for a few weeks because I went home for break and when I saw her again we still seemed to be on good terms despite her rebuffing me. Over the next 8 or 9 months we still worked together and spent time together with other friends in a group setting going out to bars and hanging out, however everything was platonic. I was then told by a friend of hers that she really liked me. I was shocked but elated. We hung out together a few more times one on one and everything was fine but still nothing happened. Then she asked me if I wanted to go to a night club that had good live music and I accepted. We went and came back to her apartment. After hanging out for a while (still nothing had happened, not even a kiss) that night she asked me if I wanted to come up to her room. I was surprised but obviously thrilled. We ended up having sex and have been together ever since. During our dating period I initially found her to be very sexually inexperienced. She claimed however that she had had a number of partners (8), most of whom had been 1 night stands. She also told me some troubling things about losing her virginity to a guy she hardly knew in high school, performing oral sex in a group setting, etc. To say that I was shocked would be an understatement. I had tons of friends including girls at the time and I had never met a more seeming "innocent" girl at that age, which was a big part of her allure for me. The sexual stories she told me bothered me tremendously because from the get go I really cared for her and viewed her as marriage material, but these things ate me up. Here is where it gets interesting. I found out that most of the things she had been telling me were lies. She was embarrassed about a lack of a past (she came from a very strict ethnic family and wasn't allowed to date or go to parties in high school or most of college). She said that the other girls she was friends with would constantly talk about boyfriends, etc. and she felt very inadequate and like the ugly duckling (she was actually a very attractive girl) and she just wanted to fit in so making up a few stories seemed harmless. I did know some of her friends fairly well and they were not shy about their sexuality so I could see where she would feel this way. We had many conversations and several arguments about the things she told me about her sexual past while dating as I became somewhat of an emotional wreck because I had such a deep desire to be with her forever but these things bothered me so much when I thought they were true that I just didn't feel I could get over them. I am not perfect, I had had sex before and I never necessarily thought I would marry someone who had no past dating history that included sex, but the things she had told me crossed a line for me as far as a potential life partner's past promiscuity. So after her stories started to fall apart and I confronted her, she told me that she had done nothing more than fool around with a guy she had briefly dated before me (think a PG rating), I was obviously upset about the lies but pretty stoked overall. Fast forward 15+ years and we are married. I recently saw an online profile for the one guy she claimed to have dated back in college before me that she was viewing online and forgot to close out the window when she was done. This in and of itself didn't bother me as she would often look up people online that she knew or had known, and was actually quite nosy about it so this wasn't necessarily out of the ordinary. However we were also recently rehashing old times, including our first time together. She made a comment that included a detail about our first time, trouble is the detail never happened and in all our years together this never happened (the detail in and of itself isn't sexual, but it was a reference to where we had sex). This troubled me and as we were discussing it I said that must have happened with the other guy you were having sex with. She kind of laughed and I said but since you didn't have sex with anyone else then why would you say that? She gave a nervous laugh again and my stomach went into a knot. She then said that she had sex with the guy mentioned above, and now said they had dated for a few months but he had dumped her. Now remember I knew the guy existed and they had dated for what I was originally told was a very brief time but was told the relationship did not include sex. So why did she lie about not having had sex all of those years ago after I discovered the original stories were untrue? She said she tried to tell me but that I wouldn't hear of it because I had deduced that the rest of the stuff was untrue and I wouldn't listen. In reality I don't believe she tried to tell me that hard, she even made up specific details at the time as to why she did not have sex with this particular person. So here I am typing this totally emotionally wrecked, all of these years later. I have a huge trust issue with her after this. All of these years I thought that I was the first and to find out I was not is devastating to me, especially after being emotionally whipsawed by her lies when we were dating. Of course the natural thought progression is that if she lied about this, what else did she lie about? She claims nothing else ever happened. I want to stress that I was not hung up on having a wife who was never with anyone, my only criteria in this department was that I didn't want to end up with someone who had been overly promiscuous outside of long term committed relationships. However after I was led to believe she had not been with anyone, after being nearly torn in two by her "stories", it made me very happy and added a dimension to my marriage that I believe is rare these days. Again, I'm not perfect in terms of never having had sex before I met her. But to have this yanked out from under me after all of this time and all that I previously went through with her lies and stories years ago has been very, very painful and hurtful. I believe 100% that my wife has always been faithful as have I and I know she loves me very much, she is a very good person with a kind heart, this is not in question. However this situation has got me thinking about whether I was meant to be with her. The emotionally gut wrenching feelings that I had when we were dating have returned. The dishonesty all of these years is unsettling to me. This isn't one of those things that you can really talk about with friends or even loved ones (at least I can't), so I don't know where to turn. Thanks for reading and for any constructive replies! | |||
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