| Hi, I've been reading off and on for about a year now, but finally am to the point where I'd like to hear other people's opinions who have been through this. Some background. I have been married 3 years, and fortunately no children, just a cat and dog. I'm 28 and she's 25, so we were pretty young when we got married. Oddly enough, she was the one pushing for it. I found out about my Wife's PA 11 months ago, though i had already known about an ongoing EA (does EA still cover it when there is sexting and video chats with nudity?) We got married May '10. In July, I stumbled upon a text, which eventually turned out be her starting up an account for online webcams. I got very upset, and at the time she was apologetic. I honestly can't remember the excuse at the time, but just 2 months into marriage, i was sadly ready to believe anything. A few months later, October, I found more texts (she had seemed a bit distant so I started looking through texts) from a guy, nothing specifically bad but seemed somewhat inappropriate. I asked her about him, got some story about an old friend from dance and that he was gay. (what will be a common theme is each of these episodes is typically followed by 3 to 4 months of really good time. Her being very loving, everything great. Then she'll stop being so loving, i'll start looking at emails, texts, etc.) So early the next year, found skype histories. Very graphic, sexual stuff on video back and forth. With the same guy as before. Another argument, and her improving. Then about 4 months later found more texts from the same guy. Again. Kept happening until last April. I knew something was very wrong, I searched everything i could. I found out about drinking, drugs, that was the extent of it. I talked about it with her, and she eventually told me that she had sex with another guy(Not related to the EA in any way)(It wasn't even on my radar, and caught me very off guard. Damaged my trust nearly completely). Initially she told me it was just once, that she had been drunk and that it didn't mean anything about me or our relationship, that it was just a stupid mistake. A few days later she said it was twice and the second time it was kind of him forcing her. She was very repentant and was sweet and loving for months afterwards. She was very open and was ok with me going through her texts, checking her iphone location, etc. But as the months went on, she started wanting privacy, getting upset at me for checking up on her, etc. About 5 months later, there were a few texts from original EA. A smaller argument and she said no more. Then just last month, things started getting really bad. At the beginning of the month we had a big discussion about our relationship. She said that the affair was because she was bored in our relationship, she needed more excitement, she wanted me to be more spontaneous, etc. (which, as an engineer, I know is true that i can be boring and planned, though I know it doesn't make an affair OK). She said I had let myself go (gained about 15 pounds since marriage). It seemed pretty off to me, but no one is perfect, and as there were things that I knew i could improve myself, that is what I decided to do because that's the only thing I have control over. About a week later she went with her female friend to San Francisco for a dance program. Things seemed fairly good with her (I've gotten a little better about reading her), but I had a weird feeling about it. I checked her iphone location a few times and nothing weird. Then the 2nd to last night, She said she was in Napa, but her phone said a small city like 200 miles away. I called her out on it, she said the iphone must be wrong. I got upset at her, but that was it, she was gone what else could I do at the time. I didn't have any proof, and I did google it, and it seems there are instances that Find My Iphone is really off. That was all I had to go on, so I couldn't prove anything. She got back, she said I needed to apologize to her friend for the mean things I had said and that I was wrong to not trust her. She also said she wanted to take a break from marriage, that she's just felt too restricted her whole life and wants to be able to go out and drink with friends if she wants(No drinking in our religion). I told her i thought it was a bad idea, that breaks lead to divorce and it wouldn't fix anything. The next night, She said she wanted to take a break, that she didn't love me any more. Along with some of the most heartbreaking things I had ever heard. Basically the point was that I was the cause of her straying. The next day she came to my office, apologized. Said it really wasn't about me, that she just needed to figure out her relationship with God. I still didn't agree to the break at that time. In my mind, if its over, then its over, otherwise lets try to come to an understanding like adults. Ever since she talked to me about her PA, she's been seeing a therapist. I went to the therapist the next week with her and we talked about the break - "Healing separation" as her therapist called it. We eventually agreed on a semi separation, 4 days a week we don't see eachother, but she is just staying in a different bedroom, she didn't move out. That is where we are now. A very abbreviated story. When its good, its very good, and that is why I've been reluctant to just end it. I was in a few long term relationships before my spouse, and she is so much more loving (during the good times) than any one else I've dated. It always seems bad when its so abbreviated, and I know 3/4 of the advice will be divorce. But for ever 1 bad month, there was 4 or 5 really really good months that have given me this sense of hope that maybe if I find a way to get beyond this, it will all be good (and that good will be way better than any other relationship I've had). I'm specifically looking for two bits of advice and experience. First - Through all of this, I've always demanded more openness and she's always complied at first and then gotten away from it. This last time is the first time that she initially did not give in and is from the start demanding privacy. I agree with a lot of the advice I've seen on here, that the only reason she wants privacy is either for a current affair or plans for a future affair. We've discussed this with her therapist, but her therapist is the type that thinks there is no right or wrong answer, its just whatever works for specific people. My wife's argument is that I get obsessed with it and that its not a healthy thing for me to keep checking up on, etc. Now, from an objective standpoint, I do agree that its unhealthy for me personally, but a necessity for our relationship. This issue is a line in the sand for me. We are still in the process of coming to an agreement, but for me, if she doesn't completely give in forever on the privacy issue, then I think I'm finally ready to divorce her. I wanted to hear from people who were cheated on, who demanded privacy. Do WS usually give in and give up privacy. Are there people out there who dealt with a WS that wanted to keep privacy. What did you do? How should I approach the privacy issue, knowing specifically that her argument is that I get obsessed with it (which at times i have, though typically its because she is lying). The second piece of advice. In threads written by people like me (doormats), people keep saying she does it because there are no consequences. What consequences are people talking about? What specifically do people do if a text comes from a new guy, or if there was an online facebook chat, etc? Is it always just threaten a divorce? I 'm not sure I understand when people say there needs to be consequences. And to end the last story. After we started our healing separation, her bank statement came that covered the time she was in california. I opened it, read through it, there was one night that she had a hotel room. (she was staying with her brother so no need for a hotel room). She was still at work so i frantically searched everything of hers. Found a new email account i didn't know about. Found emails back and forth with a guy that lived in that small town that her iphone said she was in. They had sent pictures back and forth to eachother including one from him of him naked. I texted her therapist to ask how she thought I should handle it (She was already aware of this one, though i hadn't been). We had set another line in the sand, that she could not have any contact with guys during the separation or I would leave. Her therapist said this was before the separation and that I had the right to do anything but that it was before the agreement. She got home, I exploded. Was the first time I ever screamed at her. I demanded that all privacy was gone that second. She got angry back, defended herself, said no and that she was leaving. She got in her car to leave. I went inside and really cried for the first time since all of this happened. She came back in about 15 minutes later, she had been talking to the therapist as well. She came in and we did a talking method that we had done with the therapist. (One person talks for 10 to 15 minutes and the other person just has to repeat back what they say..then you switch). She said that this guy was the reason why she wanted to do the separation, she had kissed him (is what she said, no sex), she felt really bad and wanted to take time to figure herself out. This is where I am wondering about consequences. It seems like, whenever there's a line in the sand, the infraction is always so small that going through with the threat (divorce in this case) is a huge consequence. In other words, how do you mentally handle the idea of the straw breaking the camel's back. The last straw is a small thing, and divorce is a huge thing. That is where I struggle now. Currently we are back to the healing separation. She is very loving right now, and it seems like she thinks we are back to good. I really don't think I'll ever be back to good while privacy is still on the table, but I do want to know where everyone else ended up with privacy in the long run. Do most WS who are sincere give up their privacy forever? Do they eventually want it back? I know that most of you will say just get a divorce regardless. I know that is probably the best choice for my long term happiness, but its just that small chance that it can be great that keeps me into it even still. I've made enough stupid mistakes in life to know that mistakes don't define me and you can move on from it. But at this point, I 'm wanting to make sure I have the control of the situation I need to make sure the mistakes don't continue. Thanks for taking the time to read everything, and thanks in advance for any advice you can give. | |||
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