This feels weird. First post spilling personal information to a bunch of strangers. This internet thing is dandy.
Given we've been together since 1991, I run the risk of digging up too much. Perhaps it's better to wait for questions or see where this thread goes.
Why am I posting? From my point of view, my wife is mildly depressed and thoroughly unmotivated towards anything that is productive. We don’t' disagree. About the only part we disagree on is whether or not it should be brought up.
Primary example: We both say we want children. She is 100+ lbs over weight and has inconsistent cycles and low estrogen(?). She has been told by the gyn that any amount of weight loss would help for that. That was 5 years ago. No loss.
For the first 6 yrs. it was me, worried about not succeeding in career that was putting the kibosh on kids. You would have thought looking back to those days, that she would do anything to have them. Now I suspect it was easier on her for me to be the cause.
She takes 4 weeks to pick out a comforter, 3 years to go from paint samples on the wall to actually painting one room. I was there to help whenever she was ready. And we knocked in out in 2 days, finally. She was taking so long to pick out an armoire for a desktop that’s in a room she hardly uses, that I finally said 2 weeks or I pick one.
She hardly reads anymore. She has no hobby other than TV watching and going out to eat with me. She has always worked outside the home in clerical or restaurant. She stays at entry level but does a good job and is very loyal. She is close to her sister (downs syndrome) who lives with her mom 3 hours away.
We visit my dad and her family 5 times a year. And she'll go a couple extra times. That's not a big deal but I note it because my wife fills the role of helper much better than partner. I used to really suck as a boyfriend but have always showered her with attention and sporadic support. Now, over the last 6 yrs., I think I've turned into a pretty decent husband.
If I had to sum up the mistake it would be that I fell in love during the worst times in my life. The person who loves you when you suck may not be the one best suited to thrive with when you get your act together.
Back to the children. I want to have some ultimatum/limit. Aside from the aforementioned working outside the home, she is lazy. She vacuums / dusts once a month. She cleans her bathroom once every two months. She does empty the dishwasher regularly. Otherwise, I do it all. I’m no neat freak and not Mr. Hardworker by any means. I do all the laundry, most of the cooking, every outdoor job, bill paying, communication with outsider contractors, essentially everything other than what I listed for her. And you know what? I'm ok with that, basically. If she were happy and motivated to at least get her butt in gear towards those things she says she wants.
I had 8 years unhappy at a job. Lol. And that was after watching "Office Space". I regret of course not getting out of there sooner. It was my first real career type job. I under-estimated my inability to deal with the pressure of "being the bread winner”. See above where was hesitant to bring children into the world.
This got way to long.
I am sad about my marriage, while feeling better about myself these days. I thought I had more power over the wife’s motivation (duh). It seemed I got the blame for bad moods back then, at least.
What is my question?
hmm.
I am "against" divorce. I believe in the before God and death do us part. But I am also against having no hope of a happy partnership.
We tried counseling.
Given we've been together since 1991, I run the risk of digging up too much. Perhaps it's better to wait for questions or see where this thread goes.
Why am I posting? From my point of view, my wife is mildly depressed and thoroughly unmotivated towards anything that is productive. We don’t' disagree. About the only part we disagree on is whether or not it should be brought up.
Primary example: We both say we want children. She is 100+ lbs over weight and has inconsistent cycles and low estrogen(?). She has been told by the gyn that any amount of weight loss would help for that. That was 5 years ago. No loss.
For the first 6 yrs. it was me, worried about not succeeding in career that was putting the kibosh on kids. You would have thought looking back to those days, that she would do anything to have them. Now I suspect it was easier on her for me to be the cause.
She takes 4 weeks to pick out a comforter, 3 years to go from paint samples on the wall to actually painting one room. I was there to help whenever she was ready. And we knocked in out in 2 days, finally. She was taking so long to pick out an armoire for a desktop that’s in a room she hardly uses, that I finally said 2 weeks or I pick one.
She hardly reads anymore. She has no hobby other than TV watching and going out to eat with me. She has always worked outside the home in clerical or restaurant. She stays at entry level but does a good job and is very loyal. She is close to her sister (downs syndrome) who lives with her mom 3 hours away.
We visit my dad and her family 5 times a year. And she'll go a couple extra times. That's not a big deal but I note it because my wife fills the role of helper much better than partner. I used to really suck as a boyfriend but have always showered her with attention and sporadic support. Now, over the last 6 yrs., I think I've turned into a pretty decent husband.
If I had to sum up the mistake it would be that I fell in love during the worst times in my life. The person who loves you when you suck may not be the one best suited to thrive with when you get your act together.
Back to the children. I want to have some ultimatum/limit. Aside from the aforementioned working outside the home, she is lazy. She vacuums / dusts once a month. She cleans her bathroom once every two months. She does empty the dishwasher regularly. Otherwise, I do it all. I’m no neat freak and not Mr. Hardworker by any means. I do all the laundry, most of the cooking, every outdoor job, bill paying, communication with outsider contractors, essentially everything other than what I listed for her. And you know what? I'm ok with that, basically. If she were happy and motivated to at least get her butt in gear towards those things she says she wants.
I had 8 years unhappy at a job. Lol. And that was after watching "Office Space". I regret of course not getting out of there sooner. It was my first real career type job. I under-estimated my inability to deal with the pressure of "being the bread winner”. See above where was hesitant to bring children into the world.
This got way to long.
I am sad about my marriage, while feeling better about myself these days. I thought I had more power over the wife’s motivation (duh). It seemed I got the blame for bad moods back then, at least.
What is my question?
hmm.
I am "against" divorce. I believe in the before God and death do us part. But I am also against having no hope of a happy partnership.
We tried counseling.
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