First off let me say that I am a loser. One year ago I was caught kissing a married co worker in a parking lot by my husbands friends. They immediately called him and told him. He came home from work immediately with our 15 year old son in tow and called me every name in the book C U N T and every single bad name you can think of all right in front of our son. Told me to get out, poked me in my chest leaving a bruise for about 2 weeks and took my wedding ring off my finger.
Prior to this going down I was unhappy with him due to some very abusive behavior on his part. He likes to drink to the point where he can hardly walk and talk and it's rather embarrassing to be his babysitter all the time. One night after we had bowling i went to put my stuff in my car and he remained inside for 45 minutes drinking knowing I was out waiting for him in the car. I did not want to deal with his drunk arse so i just sat there playing tetris on my phone. When he finally stumbled out of the alley I was not very nice to him and told him I hated when he acted like such a loser. He then proceeded to tell me I was a Fat a$$ and tubby and he could get 13 girls that would just love to line up and give him a BJ. I told him I would drop him off at the bar and let him have his fun. He became increasingly angry and punched me in my arm and told me he hated me. we get home and he's so drunk he passes out on our bed on a diagonal angle. i woke him and told him to mov e over and he sat up and got out of bed and threw up in the hallway all over the carpet and my 15 year old was there to help his dad clean it up. I should have left him then. This is not the first time he called me such mean things. I have repeatedly told him that calling me fat is seriously depressing the hell out of me. I am NOT fat!!! Granite I am not the 115 pound stick figure I was when we first met at 16 years old but I am not fat! This name calling has gone on for about 12 of the 20 years we have been together.
So I moved out and in with my best friend once I was discovered in the parking lot. The guy was also married and hated his married life. He was telling me all the wonderful things I had been longing to hear. Told me how beautiful, smart, sexy, and funny I was and I totally fell for it. In hindsight pretty foolish on my part to think anything good was going to come from being the OW.
My H was begging me to come home for about 3 months after this all happened and I refused. I was so hurt and angry and seeing a therapist that informed me that the H is a narcissist and I am co-dependent. Always care about how everyone else is rather than myself. during the summer we tried talking a few times and he kept being abusive and drinking.
I tried to come back home to him in October and set a goal date of Thanksgiving...all of a sudden it was too soon and I should have come home sooner etc. I found out moths later that he went on a few dates, one of which was his counselor that was mandatory from probation! Another is some Whoooooore we both know. I stopped talking to him again once he blew me off and chose drinking over being with me.
Christmas came and he took our 16 year old to Florida because he just couldn't deal with the holidays if I was not home. I was all alone for Christmas and wanted to kill myself.
Now we are talking again for about 2 months now. I just don't feel he is putting in ANY effort and seems very shut off and distant. I know what I did was wrong and am extremely remorseful but I can't be the only one trying to make things work. I apologize to him all the time and pay him compliments but he still does things that bother me. He will stonewall me for hours and not answer my texts. When i ask him when I can come back home all I get is don't you think we should make sure this is going to work before you just move back in? Not sure how we can work on things when still living separate lives.
Guess I am just afraid nothing is going to change on his end and he will keep doing the things from the past that got us to the point they got to. never once did i EVER make fun if his physical appearance and make him feel bad about himself and I spent years begging him to stop.
I just don't know what to do anymore, do I keep fighting for this or just give up and move on?
Prior to this going down I was unhappy with him due to some very abusive behavior on his part. He likes to drink to the point where he can hardly walk and talk and it's rather embarrassing to be his babysitter all the time. One night after we had bowling i went to put my stuff in my car and he remained inside for 45 minutes drinking knowing I was out waiting for him in the car. I did not want to deal with his drunk arse so i just sat there playing tetris on my phone. When he finally stumbled out of the alley I was not very nice to him and told him I hated when he acted like such a loser. He then proceeded to tell me I was a Fat a$$ and tubby and he could get 13 girls that would just love to line up and give him a BJ. I told him I would drop him off at the bar and let him have his fun. He became increasingly angry and punched me in my arm and told me he hated me. we get home and he's so drunk he passes out on our bed on a diagonal angle. i woke him and told him to mov e over and he sat up and got out of bed and threw up in the hallway all over the carpet and my 15 year old was there to help his dad clean it up. I should have left him then. This is not the first time he called me such mean things. I have repeatedly told him that calling me fat is seriously depressing the hell out of me. I am NOT fat!!! Granite I am not the 115 pound stick figure I was when we first met at 16 years old but I am not fat! This name calling has gone on for about 12 of the 20 years we have been together.
So I moved out and in with my best friend once I was discovered in the parking lot. The guy was also married and hated his married life. He was telling me all the wonderful things I had been longing to hear. Told me how beautiful, smart, sexy, and funny I was and I totally fell for it. In hindsight pretty foolish on my part to think anything good was going to come from being the OW.
My H was begging me to come home for about 3 months after this all happened and I refused. I was so hurt and angry and seeing a therapist that informed me that the H is a narcissist and I am co-dependent. Always care about how everyone else is rather than myself. during the summer we tried talking a few times and he kept being abusive and drinking.
I tried to come back home to him in October and set a goal date of Thanksgiving...all of a sudden it was too soon and I should have come home sooner etc. I found out moths later that he went on a few dates, one of which was his counselor that was mandatory from probation! Another is some Whoooooore we both know. I stopped talking to him again once he blew me off and chose drinking over being with me.
Christmas came and he took our 16 year old to Florida because he just couldn't deal with the holidays if I was not home. I was all alone for Christmas and wanted to kill myself.
Now we are talking again for about 2 months now. I just don't feel he is putting in ANY effort and seems very shut off and distant. I know what I did was wrong and am extremely remorseful but I can't be the only one trying to make things work. I apologize to him all the time and pay him compliments but he still does things that bother me. He will stonewall me for hours and not answer my texts. When i ask him when I can come back home all I get is don't you think we should make sure this is going to work before you just move back in? Not sure how we can work on things when still living separate lives.
Guess I am just afraid nothing is going to change on his end and he will keep doing the things from the past that got us to the point they got to. never once did i EVER make fun if his physical appearance and make him feel bad about himself and I spent years begging him to stop.
I just don't know what to do anymore, do I keep fighting for this or just give up and move on?
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