This is going to be a long story with lots of details. But I am so lost here I don't know where to begin. I am trying to keep my emotions out of my decision making here but could certainly use some MATURE ADULT advice.
My wife and I married in 1997. I always felt very confident in our relationship and never had any reason to doubt her loyalty. She occasionally received phone calls from an old ex-boyfriend but she would always tell him she could not talk and it was not right to call her (he got the number from her sister who does not like me). And just to be certain, I would verify that no contact was being made outside of those phone calls by checking phone bills. Sure enough, no other calls. She never spoke highly of this person and I never felt threatened by him. However, there was this lifelong family friend that she admitted to me that she once "had a teenage crush" on. I never thought twice about it. Figured it was a teenage thing. Until July 2009 when I found her asleep in the living room recliner with her laptop in her lap. I picked it up, helped her to bed and went back to power down her computer. When I logged back on, I noticed an open Facebook chat with this lifelong friend. In it, she said that she "had butterflies in her stomach" seeing him on July 4th at her parents house and how she had to "go fulfill her wife duties" with me but "would be thinking of him" the entire time. She even went so far as to refer to having sex with me as "gross". Needless to say, my heart broke. It destroyed my confidence in myself and our marriage. During this time, she had undergone some major surgery (complete hysterectomy) and was thus thrown into early menopause, was very hormonal, and was in a lot of pain and taking a lot of painkillers so she was certainly not herself. Eventually, she got off all that, came back to being herself, and seemed to be romantically interested in me again. Of course, the chat session opened a huge can of worms and I went back and did my due diligence and scrutinized all phone bills, emails, etc. We have always allowed the other access to each other's phone/mail because we never had anything to hide. When I dug into prior year's phone bills, I found a phone number that was repeatedly texted and called at all hours of the night. I punched the number in her phone and it brought up her best friend's name. So I did not think much about it. But one day, her best friend called me to ask me a question about her birthday present and I noticed it was not the same number. After doing a reverse phone lookup, I found the number she was texting and calling (and receiving as well) all hours of the night was the TWIN BROTHER of an old boyfriend (but had that number listed under her best friend's name---a common tactic among cheaters). Rather than confront her immediately, I installed some stealth spyware on her laptop to capture keystrokes and screenshots. Through that I was able to find that she had a "My Space" profile using her maiden name and stating that she was "single". I eventually brought a year's worth of phone bills, the chat with her lifelong friend, and My Space page to confront her. Of course, she turned it all around on me and said that I "left her alone" on many nights (I was busy building her dream home out on acreage but that is another story). She called me one night to ask if I would mind if her and her best friend go bowling. I said no problem and they went. Then this became a 2-3 times a week event. Long story short, I found out that they met some guys half their age one night and all went out drinking together (not something I would expect of a 38 year old married mother of 2). All in all, she claimed she was never unfaithful and said none of it would have happened if I had been at home with her at night. I had already read that when most people are caught cheating they do their best to shift the blame on the one that remained faithful.
I eventually forgave her and moved forward but never re-established trust in her. So my guard was up and always on.
Fast forward to end of Summer/Early Fall 2012:
She asked me if I would update her phone with the latest OS and I agreed to. She knew I was not very tech savvy so I guess she figured that if she just allowed me open access to the phone I would assume that she did not have anything to hide. Little did she know I was going to scrutinize every ounce of that phone. Now this particular OS update should have taken about 15 minutes but I had the phone for over 2 hours. And she knew something was up. I could tell by her constant nail biting that there was something on that phone I was not supposed to see. I knew she had been playing a game on her phone called "Dice with Buddies". I opened the app to find games ONLY with men. All games with women had been forfeited or declined. There is a chat feature within "Dice" and I noticed some "flirty" and "teasing" chats with men. Some were pretty forward and strong on the men's part but my wife's part was more of a "teasing" or "leading them along" (but nothing explicit on her part). My heart sank again and I confronted her. She again blamed me and offered to leave. I told her that I did not want her to leave but I could not figure out what I was doing wrong to make her want to lead other men on. NOW HANG ON…..IT GETS WORSE! 2-3 days later, after she fell asleep, I went through her phone and found an app called "Kik". Kik is a multimedia chat/messenger that allows people to chat without phone numbers showing up on a phone bill. And in these chats there were men asking to see "MORE" photos of her. I hacked her Kik account, changed her password to one only I knew, downloaded Kik on my phone and pretended to be her in order to find out how far this went. It turns out my wife was sexting nude and explicit photos of herself and receiving as well for about 4 weeks. It also turns out that she had made plans to fly to another state to meet with a guy (who was married with 2 kids). Before I confronted her, I did a little detective work and cross referenced this person's phone number with a reverse phone lookup, Facebook and Linked In. Through that I was able to learn this person's spouse's name, kids' names and ages, and even the church this guy attended (yes, he was one of their deacons). I sent him a text that basically told him to call me and if he gave me all the details of what went on, I would not tell his wife. He agreed, called, apologized, and told me everything. I asked to see the photos she sent and he said he had destroyed them (which I am sure he did not).
I confronted her with all the chats and Kik messenger files. She again offered to leave but blamed me for all her actions. I told her she could run away from her problems but that won't make them go away. Again, I was heartbroken, lost and did not know what to do. I started sleeping on the couch, drinking a lot, etc. I became very depressed (we won't talk about that though). I have never recovered fully from that depression and I have never trusted her since. She is mad that I don't trust her and throws it up to me a lot. But now we find ourselves at another juncture in the road. As I mentioned earlier, her sister hates me. Her sister is fake as hell and likes to pretend she is one of the "real housewives of Beverly Hills" on her husband's $80,000 a year income (I make 3 times that amount). I have always kind of felt that I "out kicked the punt coverage" when it comes to my wife. She is beautiful and unlike most women, she only gets more beautiful and sexy with age. And I tell her that a lot (I am wondering if that is part of the problem here). It is almost like it has gone to her head that she looks good. And men still fall all over her at the age of 43. There are always guys on FB that say stuff like, "I am here for you if it does not work out with 'him' (me)". Most of my friends (guys and girls) agree that I did "out kick the coverage" and that does not hurt my feelings.
Now that brings us to November 2014. My son and I went on a hunting trip after thanksgiving and she decided she would take my daughter and go to her sisters house to stay while we were gone. Now that was my first red flag. I already knew that when she gets around her sister that I would be verbally attacked and abused when I got home from hunting because all her sister does when I am not around is tell her how she could have done better, I am a control freak with money, I am a horrible father, blah blah blah. And it never fails….when my wife gets around her sister, we ultimately end up in a big argument. Her sister has a serious substance abuse problem and severe anorexia and is obsessed with material possessions and how everyone looks (fat, skinny, etc). She literally acts like a 15 year old.
The second morning we were hunting, my son and I both begin receiving incoherent texts from my wife. None of it makes sense. It was like she was drunk. I called my brother in law to check on her and make sure she was ok. He texted me back and stated that she did not sleep well. So we went on about our day and thought nothing about it. So when we get back, I notice that she has redownloaded "Dice with Buddies" and "Kik" again on her phone. I dig through some of the "Dice" chats (again with only men) and realize that she is back to teasing and leading these guys on again. I screenshotted all of these chats and am building my case. I even created a fake "Dice" account with a photo of someone I think she would find attractive and I have been chatting with her (as another man). I have asked if she would like to meet up and initially she said yes but she did not know when. Ultimately I pushed to meet with her (as another man) and she said back that she did not think it would be a good idea and that she would not want her husband doing that to her.
I don't know if she figured out it was me (she may have looked in my phone while I was asleep). If so, she may just be playing along. If she did not realize it was me, maybe she really is being loyal.
I am the breadwinner and she stays at home. I make really good money and it has allowed us to travel, see the world, etc. She never wants to have sex (ever) and has to get tipsy in order to go through with it with me. I quit trying in that area but as most men on here can attest---we have needs! And I will not be unfaithful to her. But I also don't want to be with someone that does not want me and seems to be longing for something I don't give her. I love this woman so much, I would rather see her happy with someone else than be miserable with me if that is the case. But when I say that she gets mad and pissed off and thinks I am just trying to start drama. She asks "why would you say something like that?" I have not let her know I know about the recent chats because I plan to bring that forward in case of a divorce proceeding. I think I am ready to ask her for a divorce but honestly I think the only reason she does not want one is because of our lifestyle, money, financial security. I love her so much I am willing to just give her half of everything so she can be happy.
What are my next steps? Do I really want a divorce? Counseling? Trust issues with repeated "teasing" chats with random men online? I know she is likely having the chats to get men to tell her how beautiful she is but why is me telling her not enough?
Just could use some real advice here.
Sorry for the long-winded story. Just wanted to disclose all details.
My wife and I married in 1997. I always felt very confident in our relationship and never had any reason to doubt her loyalty. She occasionally received phone calls from an old ex-boyfriend but she would always tell him she could not talk and it was not right to call her (he got the number from her sister who does not like me). And just to be certain, I would verify that no contact was being made outside of those phone calls by checking phone bills. Sure enough, no other calls. She never spoke highly of this person and I never felt threatened by him. However, there was this lifelong family friend that she admitted to me that she once "had a teenage crush" on. I never thought twice about it. Figured it was a teenage thing. Until July 2009 when I found her asleep in the living room recliner with her laptop in her lap. I picked it up, helped her to bed and went back to power down her computer. When I logged back on, I noticed an open Facebook chat with this lifelong friend. In it, she said that she "had butterflies in her stomach" seeing him on July 4th at her parents house and how she had to "go fulfill her wife duties" with me but "would be thinking of him" the entire time. She even went so far as to refer to having sex with me as "gross". Needless to say, my heart broke. It destroyed my confidence in myself and our marriage. During this time, she had undergone some major surgery (complete hysterectomy) and was thus thrown into early menopause, was very hormonal, and was in a lot of pain and taking a lot of painkillers so she was certainly not herself. Eventually, she got off all that, came back to being herself, and seemed to be romantically interested in me again. Of course, the chat session opened a huge can of worms and I went back and did my due diligence and scrutinized all phone bills, emails, etc. We have always allowed the other access to each other's phone/mail because we never had anything to hide. When I dug into prior year's phone bills, I found a phone number that was repeatedly texted and called at all hours of the night. I punched the number in her phone and it brought up her best friend's name. So I did not think much about it. But one day, her best friend called me to ask me a question about her birthday present and I noticed it was not the same number. After doing a reverse phone lookup, I found the number she was texting and calling (and receiving as well) all hours of the night was the TWIN BROTHER of an old boyfriend (but had that number listed under her best friend's name---a common tactic among cheaters). Rather than confront her immediately, I installed some stealth spyware on her laptop to capture keystrokes and screenshots. Through that I was able to find that she had a "My Space" profile using her maiden name and stating that she was "single". I eventually brought a year's worth of phone bills, the chat with her lifelong friend, and My Space page to confront her. Of course, she turned it all around on me and said that I "left her alone" on many nights (I was busy building her dream home out on acreage but that is another story). She called me one night to ask if I would mind if her and her best friend go bowling. I said no problem and they went. Then this became a 2-3 times a week event. Long story short, I found out that they met some guys half their age one night and all went out drinking together (not something I would expect of a 38 year old married mother of 2). All in all, she claimed she was never unfaithful and said none of it would have happened if I had been at home with her at night. I had already read that when most people are caught cheating they do their best to shift the blame on the one that remained faithful.
I eventually forgave her and moved forward but never re-established trust in her. So my guard was up and always on.
Fast forward to end of Summer/Early Fall 2012:
She asked me if I would update her phone with the latest OS and I agreed to. She knew I was not very tech savvy so I guess she figured that if she just allowed me open access to the phone I would assume that she did not have anything to hide. Little did she know I was going to scrutinize every ounce of that phone. Now this particular OS update should have taken about 15 minutes but I had the phone for over 2 hours. And she knew something was up. I could tell by her constant nail biting that there was something on that phone I was not supposed to see. I knew she had been playing a game on her phone called "Dice with Buddies". I opened the app to find games ONLY with men. All games with women had been forfeited or declined. There is a chat feature within "Dice" and I noticed some "flirty" and "teasing" chats with men. Some were pretty forward and strong on the men's part but my wife's part was more of a "teasing" or "leading them along" (but nothing explicit on her part). My heart sank again and I confronted her. She again blamed me and offered to leave. I told her that I did not want her to leave but I could not figure out what I was doing wrong to make her want to lead other men on. NOW HANG ON…..IT GETS WORSE! 2-3 days later, after she fell asleep, I went through her phone and found an app called "Kik". Kik is a multimedia chat/messenger that allows people to chat without phone numbers showing up on a phone bill. And in these chats there were men asking to see "MORE" photos of her. I hacked her Kik account, changed her password to one only I knew, downloaded Kik on my phone and pretended to be her in order to find out how far this went. It turns out my wife was sexting nude and explicit photos of herself and receiving as well for about 4 weeks. It also turns out that she had made plans to fly to another state to meet with a guy (who was married with 2 kids). Before I confronted her, I did a little detective work and cross referenced this person's phone number with a reverse phone lookup, Facebook and Linked In. Through that I was able to learn this person's spouse's name, kids' names and ages, and even the church this guy attended (yes, he was one of their deacons). I sent him a text that basically told him to call me and if he gave me all the details of what went on, I would not tell his wife. He agreed, called, apologized, and told me everything. I asked to see the photos she sent and he said he had destroyed them (which I am sure he did not).
I confronted her with all the chats and Kik messenger files. She again offered to leave but blamed me for all her actions. I told her she could run away from her problems but that won't make them go away. Again, I was heartbroken, lost and did not know what to do. I started sleeping on the couch, drinking a lot, etc. I became very depressed (we won't talk about that though). I have never recovered fully from that depression and I have never trusted her since. She is mad that I don't trust her and throws it up to me a lot. But now we find ourselves at another juncture in the road. As I mentioned earlier, her sister hates me. Her sister is fake as hell and likes to pretend she is one of the "real housewives of Beverly Hills" on her husband's $80,000 a year income (I make 3 times that amount). I have always kind of felt that I "out kicked the punt coverage" when it comes to my wife. She is beautiful and unlike most women, she only gets more beautiful and sexy with age. And I tell her that a lot (I am wondering if that is part of the problem here). It is almost like it has gone to her head that she looks good. And men still fall all over her at the age of 43. There are always guys on FB that say stuff like, "I am here for you if it does not work out with 'him' (me)". Most of my friends (guys and girls) agree that I did "out kick the coverage" and that does not hurt my feelings.
Now that brings us to November 2014. My son and I went on a hunting trip after thanksgiving and she decided she would take my daughter and go to her sisters house to stay while we were gone. Now that was my first red flag. I already knew that when she gets around her sister that I would be verbally attacked and abused when I got home from hunting because all her sister does when I am not around is tell her how she could have done better, I am a control freak with money, I am a horrible father, blah blah blah. And it never fails….when my wife gets around her sister, we ultimately end up in a big argument. Her sister has a serious substance abuse problem and severe anorexia and is obsessed with material possessions and how everyone looks (fat, skinny, etc). She literally acts like a 15 year old.
The second morning we were hunting, my son and I both begin receiving incoherent texts from my wife. None of it makes sense. It was like she was drunk. I called my brother in law to check on her and make sure she was ok. He texted me back and stated that she did not sleep well. So we went on about our day and thought nothing about it. So when we get back, I notice that she has redownloaded "Dice with Buddies" and "Kik" again on her phone. I dig through some of the "Dice" chats (again with only men) and realize that she is back to teasing and leading these guys on again. I screenshotted all of these chats and am building my case. I even created a fake "Dice" account with a photo of someone I think she would find attractive and I have been chatting with her (as another man). I have asked if she would like to meet up and initially she said yes but she did not know when. Ultimately I pushed to meet with her (as another man) and she said back that she did not think it would be a good idea and that she would not want her husband doing that to her.
I don't know if she figured out it was me (she may have looked in my phone while I was asleep). If so, she may just be playing along. If she did not realize it was me, maybe she really is being loyal.
I am the breadwinner and she stays at home. I make really good money and it has allowed us to travel, see the world, etc. She never wants to have sex (ever) and has to get tipsy in order to go through with it with me. I quit trying in that area but as most men on here can attest---we have needs! And I will not be unfaithful to her. But I also don't want to be with someone that does not want me and seems to be longing for something I don't give her. I love this woman so much, I would rather see her happy with someone else than be miserable with me if that is the case. But when I say that she gets mad and pissed off and thinks I am just trying to start drama. She asks "why would you say something like that?" I have not let her know I know about the recent chats because I plan to bring that forward in case of a divorce proceeding. I think I am ready to ask her for a divorce but honestly I think the only reason she does not want one is because of our lifestyle, money, financial security. I love her so much I am willing to just give her half of everything so she can be happy.
What are my next steps? Do I really want a divorce? Counseling? Trust issues with repeated "teasing" chats with random men online? I know she is likely having the chats to get men to tell her how beautiful she is but why is me telling her not enough?
Just could use some real advice here.
Sorry for the long-winded story. Just wanted to disclose all details.
Put the internet to work for you.
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