Things were great, I've never been happier.
But I found out she had cheated on all her past boyfriends (2 of them)
The most recent one she cheated on with me and another guy.
When I found this out i was devastated. I have trust issues as it is.
But this just ruined me. I didn't want to end it. But every time I went to kiss her I wondered where her mouth had been. If she was really coming from where she said she had come from. If she was really going to where she said she was going.
I tried to get over it. But I couldn't. I felt that maybe I would never get over it. I didn't want to keep her off of the dating market. I thought it was unfair. I didn't want to string her a long just to say at the end of the road that i really cannot shake it out my mind.
She kept trying to patch things back together with me. and it hurt. Because I still wanted to be with her. But I thought it was best because she could move on quicker. I wanted to say yes I'll get back with you. But I was afraid. Even with us being single. My mind was still racing. I was imagining now she was legitimately single who she would be with, or how long.
She had cheated on one of her boyfriends because of an argument once. This bothered me. This made me wonder if at some point due to me upsetting her she would do the same to me. And I cared about her so much. I would look at her face and thinking how precious it was to me, and then having my thoughts and feelings of intimacy and tenderness brutally assaulted by thoughts of her gagging face being humped by a stranger. Breaking my spirit.
Again and again I've put myself through these mental torments.
Now I find myself missing her more than anything. I've never felt this way about someone. She was so special to me. I don't know what love is, but maybe this is it.
I feel sick, physically, like my stomach is hollow and empty. I feel almost hung over with a head ache and haze over my mind.
Seeing her cheat on me a thousand times in my mind. I've grown numb.
I still want her in my life. I care more about her than ever.
I feel physically ill without her.
I tell my best friend. He says I need to tell her how I feel.
I pick up the phone and dial.
Only a month earlier she wanted to get back with me.
But after pouring my heart out and asking if she wanted to give things another try.
Her answer was no.
She said she thought it was selfish that I'd try to get back with her now. After all her efforts to get back with me.
She said she was worried the friendship was ruined.
I said i guess it is. because just thinking about her hurts. Yet alone seeing her or hearing her voice.
I ask her to at least think about it.
She says she won't change her mind.
In my head i debate with myself. If this is love you need to fight for her, if its love don't give up that easily. But another part of me then thinks. You've been watching too many films. Your feelings are just a result of you being weak.
I accept her decision regretfully. and pathetically. i tell her that she can still change her mind and phone me. pathetic i know. very low point.
we say bye.
A little more background. we met at uni. started dating 3rd year. She went uni locally and I've moved back home. hence the phone thing.
Also another note. She had just come in from a night out. It was 5am when we were talking and she had been drinking.
I feel worse more now than ever.
A part of me thinks. What a waste. So I have these feelings for someone that doesn't feel the same way back. If she felt like I did she would have leapt at getting back with me.
But she did make the point that it was all my decision making. Not hers. Me wanting to break up. Me wanting to get back.
And that's fair. But I said that it wasn't my decision and that i was just letting her know how I feel. and that if she feels the same way let me know.
Maybe shes found someone. maybe that's the old paranoia again.
Maybe even if we did get back together things wouldn't be the same. And maybe it would just be a sad and draining experiment that ends up with us back in the same place that we are now.
So part of me is thinking just leave it.
But as I said. I feel sick. Depressed. I'm 25. I've had lots of experience with relationships. I'm way too old to be feeling like this. I feel like this is something I should of felt and gotten over when i was 16.
Another part of me is thinking that maybe I should just try one last thing.
See her face to face. Talk about it one last time. Seeing as a phone call at 5am when shes drunk is not the best time for it. I was thinking to approach it as at least a face to face good bye.
I was also thinking of maybe contacting her best friend on facebook and try and get the down low. Ask her best friend if she really does feel the way she does, or if she was just doing the same thing I did before, which was having a hard heart for the greater good and fighting feelings back. because if there's a chance I kinda wanna take it. I mean that's the guys job after all is to take those risks and fight for what he loves.
But if I'm wrong and there's nothing there and shes moved on then that will all just be a one man circus where I embarrass myself.
So this is why I was thinking contact her best friend first. She might know the real deal. Either just confirming the message my ex gave me or letting me know that she still misses me and is still fighting feelings for me that maybe I can rescue.
I also thought that maybe it would be nice to give her a gift if we met. As it is Christmas. It's kinda gay but we used to call each other lion and leopard. Me being the lion. I was thinking of giving her a cuddly toy lion with a small 5 pence sized badge of a heart on its paw. To... like and yes I know its cringe. But represent that I'll always be her lion and that she has my heart.
So yea. Any advice guys?
Should I try this? Should I do something else? Am I just being a fool? Should I just accept its done? Or do you have any other advice? Please let me know
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