Hi! I just joined. Here is an outline of my marriage. I could really use some advice.
Married for 22 years and have two daughters (15 and 11).
I check off a lot on the "Are You Being Emotionally Abused" checklist. My husband is very hard to live with and has very diverse mood swings. He is mostly negative and angry all of the time. Although he self medicates with mj and then he is fine. He also has alcohol abuse issues. Drinks a lot by himself several times a week. His mood changes when he drinks and he is even worse to me when he is drunk. He treats me like he hates me and does this in front of our kids. He tries to discredit me and make me look like I am a bad person in front of my kids. He is always in competition with me to try to convince the kids that he knows better than me. I don't participate in this behaviour. I am a very passive person and I don't want to argue especially in front of the kids. He tries to make me out to be this horrible person to our kids but my kids are so amazing - they know this is not true. Our kids love both of us but we all walk on eggshells when he is raging which is quite often. He plays the victim. My 15 year old doesn't fall for this but my 11 year old feels sorry for him because he always complains about his awful life even though he has a great life. He complains about everything and especially me. He tells me to shut up and to mind my own business. He is very controlling. I could go on but I think you get the picture. The thing is, this started pretty much right after we got married. I saw disturbing signs of his abuse. I didn't understand why he was always getting so mad at me for something that I didn't do. At first, I would just do everything to try to make whatever better. Now, over the years, I have had to protect myself by simply detaching from him and carrying on with my life. I have a very busy life with working full time and then taking our kids to all of their extracurricular activities. He doesn't seem to have much luck finding work so has a lot of time on his hands which is not good. I live my life and my kids but I really don't like the person that my husband is. When I first got pregnant which was 16 years ago, I cried to a month because even at that time I was having serious thoughts that he was not the person I wanted to be with. But then we got preoccupied with our new wonderful child and then another one came and before you know it 22 years go by. My parents divorced when I was 16 and it was so hard for me that I would never want my kids to go through what I did. But on the other hand, I have two daughters who see how badly he treats me and I know that this is not good either. I just want to do what is best for our kids. We have a big house and my husband sleeps and pretty much lives downstairs and me and our two daughters live upstairs. We haven't been intimate for several years. I must say that because we have such a big house, we can both live in it relatively peacefully but I feel so lonely and empty without having a person to love me. I see old people walk ing together holding hands and know that I will never have that. Can anyone give me any advice or share their thoughts. I just want the best for our kids.
Married for 22 years and have two daughters (15 and 11).
I check off a lot on the "Are You Being Emotionally Abused" checklist. My husband is very hard to live with and has very diverse mood swings. He is mostly negative and angry all of the time. Although he self medicates with mj and then he is fine. He also has alcohol abuse issues. Drinks a lot by himself several times a week. His mood changes when he drinks and he is even worse to me when he is drunk. He treats me like he hates me and does this in front of our kids. He tries to discredit me and make me look like I am a bad person in front of my kids. He is always in competition with me to try to convince the kids that he knows better than me. I don't participate in this behaviour. I am a very passive person and I don't want to argue especially in front of the kids. He tries to make me out to be this horrible person to our kids but my kids are so amazing - they know this is not true. Our kids love both of us but we all walk on eggshells when he is raging which is quite often. He plays the victim. My 15 year old doesn't fall for this but my 11 year old feels sorry for him because he always complains about his awful life even though he has a great life. He complains about everything and especially me. He tells me to shut up and to mind my own business. He is very controlling. I could go on but I think you get the picture. The thing is, this started pretty much right after we got married. I saw disturbing signs of his abuse. I didn't understand why he was always getting so mad at me for something that I didn't do. At first, I would just do everything to try to make whatever better. Now, over the years, I have had to protect myself by simply detaching from him and carrying on with my life. I have a very busy life with working full time and then taking our kids to all of their extracurricular activities. He doesn't seem to have much luck finding work so has a lot of time on his hands which is not good. I live my life and my kids but I really don't like the person that my husband is. When I first got pregnant which was 16 years ago, I cried to a month because even at that time I was having serious thoughts that he was not the person I wanted to be with. But then we got preoccupied with our new wonderful child and then another one came and before you know it 22 years go by. My parents divorced when I was 16 and it was so hard for me that I would never want my kids to go through what I did. But on the other hand, I have two daughters who see how badly he treats me and I know that this is not good either. I just want to do what is best for our kids. We have a big house and my husband sleeps and pretty much lives downstairs and me and our two daughters live upstairs. We haven't been intimate for several years. I must say that because we have such a big house, we can both live in it relatively peacefully but I feel so lonely and empty without having a person to love me. I see old people walk ing together holding hands and know that I will never have that. Can anyone give me any advice or share their thoughts. I just want the best for our kids.
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