Well, it's time for my little thread… :) The title says it all. I'm posting this here because it's also a sex issue.
I guess my wife has been suffering from OCD (catastrophic, recurrent thoughts) for over 15 years (at least). I didn't know at the beginning, she never told me.
We have 3 children, two at university and one who is 14. After the birth of our third child, she told me she had started taking anti-depressant for her OCD. She stressed she wasn't depressed. She didn't tell me what the cause of her OCD was. I didn't ask. I was shocked, also because I thought she should have consulted me. Our sex life was going downhill. Before the "revelation", it was twice a month. She was always finding excuses. She seemed to be very withdrawn (she is a very private person, anyway), but every time I asked what was wrong, she would reply "nothing"…
So, after two weeks of no sex, I would get tense and eventually we would have an argument. I didn't know the reason for the rejection, just another excuse, every time. After some time – as she told me later – she started hating sex because she felt under pressure and I would get angry. She started associating it to a bad place to be. But I had no idea!
Fast forward – with the ADs and no drive, sex was becoming a real problem. I knew what was wrong now, but she was making no effort at all. I wasn't asking for sex every day. Just once in a while. I guess her head was somewhere else. Three years ago, things came to a head. I said I was leaving. She said she would make an effort and would go to therapy for her OCD, so we could put our marriage back on track, "as it was before". But then she couldn't find a therapist. Then it was too expensive. I said I would pay for it. But still nothing. I let it go for a while. The following year she tells me she would never go to therapy, that it doesn't work and things would never change. I was shattered!
I started withdrawing from her. No sex, no intimacy. Our marriage was condemned. We have sex occasionally, but she has to decide when, she has to get into the mood, because she has no drive. So, it could be anything between two weeks and two months. After two weeks, I'd lie there, next to her, waiting for the go-ahead, hoping she would say "we can have it tomorrow". This is very depressing and sad. It's been 3 weeks now.
Why do I stay? I adore my children. Apart from sex, we get on very well, no arguments, nothing. And I'm not having another man raising my kids. I also feel sorry for my wife. But I also feel anger, for her refusal to seek therapy and fix herself. And I don't want to leave a woman with a mental illness on her own with my kids in the house.
Sometimes I feel I'm being unreasonable. I feel guilty. That I should support her. Because she is ill. On the other hand, I know that nothing will ever change. Am I entitled to feel angry, disappointed, destroyed by all this? I know therapy is difficult, but our marriage wasn't worth saving? I'm looking for answers, but I can't find any.
BTW, we are in our early fifties and been married for almost 25 years… not sure what I want now. I just want it to go away and lead a normal life. What would you do?
I guess my wife has been suffering from OCD (catastrophic, recurrent thoughts) for over 15 years (at least). I didn't know at the beginning, she never told me.
We have 3 children, two at university and one who is 14. After the birth of our third child, she told me she had started taking anti-depressant for her OCD. She stressed she wasn't depressed. She didn't tell me what the cause of her OCD was. I didn't ask. I was shocked, also because I thought she should have consulted me. Our sex life was going downhill. Before the "revelation", it was twice a month. She was always finding excuses. She seemed to be very withdrawn (she is a very private person, anyway), but every time I asked what was wrong, she would reply "nothing"…
So, after two weeks of no sex, I would get tense and eventually we would have an argument. I didn't know the reason for the rejection, just another excuse, every time. After some time – as she told me later – she started hating sex because she felt under pressure and I would get angry. She started associating it to a bad place to be. But I had no idea!
Fast forward – with the ADs and no drive, sex was becoming a real problem. I knew what was wrong now, but she was making no effort at all. I wasn't asking for sex every day. Just once in a while. I guess her head was somewhere else. Three years ago, things came to a head. I said I was leaving. She said she would make an effort and would go to therapy for her OCD, so we could put our marriage back on track, "as it was before". But then she couldn't find a therapist. Then it was too expensive. I said I would pay for it. But still nothing. I let it go for a while. The following year she tells me she would never go to therapy, that it doesn't work and things would never change. I was shattered!
I started withdrawing from her. No sex, no intimacy. Our marriage was condemned. We have sex occasionally, but she has to decide when, she has to get into the mood, because she has no drive. So, it could be anything between two weeks and two months. After two weeks, I'd lie there, next to her, waiting for the go-ahead, hoping she would say "we can have it tomorrow". This is very depressing and sad. It's been 3 weeks now.
Why do I stay? I adore my children. Apart from sex, we get on very well, no arguments, nothing. And I'm not having another man raising my kids. I also feel sorry for my wife. But I also feel anger, for her refusal to seek therapy and fix herself. And I don't want to leave a woman with a mental illness on her own with my kids in the house.
Sometimes I feel I'm being unreasonable. I feel guilty. That I should support her. Because she is ill. On the other hand, I know that nothing will ever change. Am I entitled to feel angry, disappointed, destroyed by all this? I know therapy is difficult, but our marriage wasn't worth saving? I'm looking for answers, but I can't find any.
BTW, we are in our early fifties and been married for almost 25 years… not sure what I want now. I just want it to go away and lead a normal life. What would you do?
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