Hi everyone,
I'm going through a lot of stress trying to figure out what I want from this relationship. I am sure that we will always be good friends, but my need for companionship is causing me grief while my partner is abroad.
My boyfriend and I met and lived together for 8 months at a student residential college. We were extremely close, spending most days together as friends, and most nights together as lovers. Last week he left to go on an overseas exchange program for 6 months. This is something that he had been planning since before he met me, and I am truly happy for him that he has this opportunity to study abroad. However in his absence my life has been turned completely upside down, and I am forced to wonder about our future.
I am 21, he is 27. I tend to get worried and indecisive, but I'm generally easygoing. He is remarkably calm, gentle, logical, stoic and forgiving. One of the strongest values that we both share, each having come to this conclusion independently, is that an individual's autonomy is quite sacred, and it is destructive for one person to depend too closely on another, or demand that their partner should change to suit their personal needs. I have always tried to respect his space in life, and likewise he has never shown me possessive or dominating behavior. In this way we make excellent friends, and we have never had an argument; instead where our opinions don't meet we agree to disagree. He's also very supportive, and he has looked after me with great affection and care. I always felt like our relationship was effortless, and we understand each other quite well.
We keep in touch over Skype now that he is overseas, but the distance between us is so painful. I don't just miss being close to him, I miss living with him. I realize that my greatest desire would be to move out with him and build a life together. I'm not ready to have children, but in the future I surely will, and I believe that he would make a great father. But mostly, he's the person I would like to pay the rent with, do my shopping with, cook with, clean the house with. We work together so well, I can't imagine anyone better suited to take that role in my life.
The problem is that settling down in one location is the last thing on his mind. We only happened to be living in the same city for 8 months on account of our studies, but now due to financial pressures I am living with my parents, and once he returns from exchange he will also be moving in with his folks. Then in all likelihood once he has completed his degree he will need to search for work in another country -- and so will I, although probably in a different country. Even to continue my studies I am looking at moving to another state next year, so that when he does return from exchange there will be little chance of seeing each other. And at no point will we have an opportunity to actually live together under the same roof.
I am faced with years of longing for something that he cannot give me. I think living with me is not a paramount need for him at the moment; he's quite an independent person and rarely feels lonely (although he does make an effort to call me every day). He enjoys closeness, but he lived without it for so many years before he met me. His main goals in life at the moment are study and career related. I am sure he would like settle to down once those affairs are sorted out, but I don't think I can wait that long. We've talked about the future and he seems positive that we will be together for a long time, and yet he doesn't link this with moving in together. I don't want to put pressure on him, but this long distance relationship is killing me. This is not something I could do for several years.
Am I too needy? Am I unrealistic? Have I lost perspective? I don't want to bombard him with all of my worries unless they are valid ones. I feel as though I need a straight answer from him, but he can't tell me what he doesn't know. In the meantime I feel abandoned and shattered.
I would appreciate any insights on this situation. I'm trying to stay rational, but I'm so emotionally close to what is happening that I can't see the forest for the trees.
I'm going through a lot of stress trying to figure out what I want from this relationship. I am sure that we will always be good friends, but my need for companionship is causing me grief while my partner is abroad.
My boyfriend and I met and lived together for 8 months at a student residential college. We were extremely close, spending most days together as friends, and most nights together as lovers. Last week he left to go on an overseas exchange program for 6 months. This is something that he had been planning since before he met me, and I am truly happy for him that he has this opportunity to study abroad. However in his absence my life has been turned completely upside down, and I am forced to wonder about our future.
I am 21, he is 27. I tend to get worried and indecisive, but I'm generally easygoing. He is remarkably calm, gentle, logical, stoic and forgiving. One of the strongest values that we both share, each having come to this conclusion independently, is that an individual's autonomy is quite sacred, and it is destructive for one person to depend too closely on another, or demand that their partner should change to suit their personal needs. I have always tried to respect his space in life, and likewise he has never shown me possessive or dominating behavior. In this way we make excellent friends, and we have never had an argument; instead where our opinions don't meet we agree to disagree. He's also very supportive, and he has looked after me with great affection and care. I always felt like our relationship was effortless, and we understand each other quite well.
We keep in touch over Skype now that he is overseas, but the distance between us is so painful. I don't just miss being close to him, I miss living with him. I realize that my greatest desire would be to move out with him and build a life together. I'm not ready to have children, but in the future I surely will, and I believe that he would make a great father. But mostly, he's the person I would like to pay the rent with, do my shopping with, cook with, clean the house with. We work together so well, I can't imagine anyone better suited to take that role in my life.
The problem is that settling down in one location is the last thing on his mind. We only happened to be living in the same city for 8 months on account of our studies, but now due to financial pressures I am living with my parents, and once he returns from exchange he will also be moving in with his folks. Then in all likelihood once he has completed his degree he will need to search for work in another country -- and so will I, although probably in a different country. Even to continue my studies I am looking at moving to another state next year, so that when he does return from exchange there will be little chance of seeing each other. And at no point will we have an opportunity to actually live together under the same roof.
I am faced with years of longing for something that he cannot give me. I think living with me is not a paramount need for him at the moment; he's quite an independent person and rarely feels lonely (although he does make an effort to call me every day). He enjoys closeness, but he lived without it for so many years before he met me. His main goals in life at the moment are study and career related. I am sure he would like settle to down once those affairs are sorted out, but I don't think I can wait that long. We've talked about the future and he seems positive that we will be together for a long time, and yet he doesn't link this with moving in together. I don't want to put pressure on him, but this long distance relationship is killing me. This is not something I could do for several years.
Am I too needy? Am I unrealistic? Have I lost perspective? I don't want to bombard him with all of my worries unless they are valid ones. I feel as though I need a straight answer from him, but he can't tell me what he doesn't know. In the meantime I feel abandoned and shattered.
I would appreciate any insights on this situation. I'm trying to stay rational, but I'm so emotionally close to what is happening that I can't see the forest for the trees.
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