Please be patient with me when you read this post. In order to get to the root of the problem, I believe I have to be completely honest and start from the very beginning.
My husband and I have been together for 7 years but married for 5. I have been working full time for most of the relationship and he was studying. A couple of years ago, he graduated with his degree and wanted to continue on to do his masters. Up until this point, his parents had been supporting him financially. They stopped when he started his Masters. When he started his Masters, I was working full time in a basic role and having to pay for both our daily ongoing expenses, 2 credit card debts and a car loan (mine).
There were some months that I wasnt getting enough weekend overtime and bills were coming in left, right, centre. I made the decision to re-finance the car loan to spare up some cash ($3000) to pay the bills. Mistake #1: I didnt speak to him about my decision or tell him about the re-finance. Re-financing generally means a higher interest rate and a loan that would take longer to pay off. I also set up an overdraft on my everyday account so that bills would always be paid and we would never be behind.
Because the interest on the re-finance was so high, I negotiated with a bank a couple of months ago for me to repay the loan at a much lower interest rate. If all goes well, I should be able to pay this off in about 6 months.
Mistake #2: My husband has always wanted kids and I didnt see how we could have kids on 1 income. I tried to explain that we were not financially ready to have kids on 1 income and that we should wait. He didnt really want that and I felt like I had no choice but to take contraception without him knowing.
He has since found out about all of this (im not sure how and i dont think that matters anymore). He said that I had ample opportunity to come out and tell him the truth (when he had his suspicions) and I never did. Mistake #3 Instead I would get cranky, yell at him and just change the topic altogether.
Mistake #4: I was expecting some $ back from the government ($2000) a couple of years ago that my husband insisted had to go into a savings account for a rainy day (which is a good idea of course). When the $ finally arrive mid last year, I used it to pay off bills and expenses and didnt tell my husband about it. I kept saying that it hadnt arrived when he asked, thinking that I would scrape the money together sometime in the future. About a month ago, I took out a second smaller loan to cover this amount because I felt very guilty that I had lied to him about this.
I have never asked for help in repaying my debt and I have never had people knocking on my door chasing me for payment. My husband has since said that he wants a divorce and he doesnt want to have anything to do with me. he works in another city 4 hours away and used to come home to spend time with me on the weekends. He hasnt been home in 3 weeks now and says he has no intention of ever coming home. He has been going over to his parents instead every weekend.
I feel guilt and remorse over everything that I have done. I have tried to apologise over and over and he just doesnt want to hear it. I am not perfect and I made some horrible mistakes. Would I ever do them again ? Definitely not. I have well and truly learnt my lesson now. He says a relationship without trust cannot be called a marriage and that if i had kept so much from him, there would be other things that I would be keeping from him. I dont have any other secrets left that I have kept from him. I dont know what to do and was hoping that people on TAM could give me some advice. Thank you for being so patient and reading my thread.
My husband and I have been together for 7 years but married for 5. I have been working full time for most of the relationship and he was studying. A couple of years ago, he graduated with his degree and wanted to continue on to do his masters. Up until this point, his parents had been supporting him financially. They stopped when he started his Masters. When he started his Masters, I was working full time in a basic role and having to pay for both our daily ongoing expenses, 2 credit card debts and a car loan (mine).
There were some months that I wasnt getting enough weekend overtime and bills were coming in left, right, centre. I made the decision to re-finance the car loan to spare up some cash ($3000) to pay the bills. Mistake #1: I didnt speak to him about my decision or tell him about the re-finance. Re-financing generally means a higher interest rate and a loan that would take longer to pay off. I also set up an overdraft on my everyday account so that bills would always be paid and we would never be behind.
Because the interest on the re-finance was so high, I negotiated with a bank a couple of months ago for me to repay the loan at a much lower interest rate. If all goes well, I should be able to pay this off in about 6 months.
Mistake #2: My husband has always wanted kids and I didnt see how we could have kids on 1 income. I tried to explain that we were not financially ready to have kids on 1 income and that we should wait. He didnt really want that and I felt like I had no choice but to take contraception without him knowing.
He has since found out about all of this (im not sure how and i dont think that matters anymore). He said that I had ample opportunity to come out and tell him the truth (when he had his suspicions) and I never did. Mistake #3 Instead I would get cranky, yell at him and just change the topic altogether.
Mistake #4: I was expecting some $ back from the government ($2000) a couple of years ago that my husband insisted had to go into a savings account for a rainy day (which is a good idea of course). When the $ finally arrive mid last year, I used it to pay off bills and expenses and didnt tell my husband about it. I kept saying that it hadnt arrived when he asked, thinking that I would scrape the money together sometime in the future. About a month ago, I took out a second smaller loan to cover this amount because I felt very guilty that I had lied to him about this.
I have never asked for help in repaying my debt and I have never had people knocking on my door chasing me for payment. My husband has since said that he wants a divorce and he doesnt want to have anything to do with me. he works in another city 4 hours away and used to come home to spend time with me on the weekends. He hasnt been home in 3 weeks now and says he has no intention of ever coming home. He has been going over to his parents instead every weekend.
I feel guilt and remorse over everything that I have done. I have tried to apologise over and over and he just doesnt want to hear it. I am not perfect and I made some horrible mistakes. Would I ever do them again ? Definitely not. I have well and truly learnt my lesson now. He says a relationship without trust cannot be called a marriage and that if i had kept so much from him, there would be other things that I would be keeping from him. I dont have any other secrets left that I have kept from him. I dont know what to do and was hoping that people on TAM could give me some advice. Thank you for being so patient and reading my thread.
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