Hi. I'd be grateful for some thoughts. I feel like my marriage is reaching a crisis point.
The long of it is as follows:
Background info: my father took a lot of interest in my physical development throughout my childhood. He didn't rape me, but he made many seemingly obsessive comments about my physical growing up development, once touched my breasts whilst 'tickling my back' (and then asked, the next day, if "I wanted another tickle like yesterday?") and once told me "I can't help it if I'm in love with you...". Lots of the time he was a normal dad, but then these things would happen inbetween and devastate me. If you combine all of this with the fact that I 'don't know for sure if he's into me...am I going mad?' plus the fact that I am a very sensitive person, all combined to create in me the most damaging, devastating confusion about love/desire/sex that I could ever describe to you, and an absolute phobia about physical development and being noticed or stared at. It also obviously totally shattered any development in me of the truth that sex in a trust/caring situation with a familiar pers on is in any way desirable. For me, it's a repulsive thought because I spent my childhood trying to avoid having my father potentially do that to me. (I confronted him years later, and in true fashion with caring but inappropriate and socially limited people like him, he was completely gobsmacked at what I said, couldn't remember doing any of this, and genuinely denied that he'd ever have wanted to have sex with me... )
Living with A PARENT who you are convinced would want to have sex with you if he could (which is more catastrophic emotionally than being molested by a stranger, I think..) but not ever being totally 100% sure if it's all in your head - and having all of this happening at the most formative time for a person (adolescence) was devastating to me.
I seem to have a good libido (masturbation is fine and I"m comfortable naked) but I have no desire to have sex with another person. I had sex with about 4 people before marriage (mostly out of desperation at feeling so shameful for never having had sex before). I can get turned on if the person is a relative stranger, but as we get to know each other, my feelings wane (makes sense considering my dad was familiar to me.)
Husband and I dated for 2 years (and had sex relatively regularly) before we got married. Have been married for about 4 years and have a 2.5 year old child.
I was exceptionally clear with my husband before we got married about my fears and limitations. I have never basically orgasmed during sex and don't have any desire to. I even went so far as to say, if we only had sex once a month, would you still want to continue with this? And at the time he said yes. I needed him to be sure beforehand.
But now, 4 years in, he says that I have regressed sexually and he is very unhappy about our intimacy. He says I was quite a bit less inhibited before we married and in our early married years, and he feels that 'he did not sign up for this' - ie. the fact that I have now 'regressed' in his opinion, and hardly want him to touch me. He says he stands by the 'one occasion of sex a month' thing but he wants quality..
(Since we married I had a baby, and have also been on anti-depressants for years - but please understand this is not a libido issue - my libido is fine - I just don't feel any desire to have sex with another person.) Even though I don't desire sex with another person (even my husband), for me it's important to still have it because, even though I don't want to function 'sexually' in it, i.e. get turned on and orgasm, etc. it's a very important intimacy for a married couple and I want to nurture that closeness. I also know it's vital for him as a man, and I do my best to hide if I feel panicky or really turned off (we are very open about my past, but you can't always push your partner away, so playing the part is something I do a lot.)
My husband says he understands about my past and accepts that, and doesn't want anything extreme in terms of sex and intimacy - he just wants a little more than we have now (i.e. missionary position, no looking, no other touching). Yes, to the men out there - I anticipate you're going to write about how unfair I am being to him by not wanting him to even look at me, not allowing any touching, etc. and how I must think about the importance of sex to a man, etc. I know all of this, but I find it very distressing to feel that I am not good enough as I am, and that I am in a sense being offered an ultimatum - either improve, or this marriage is unsustainable.
I totally understand his position, but I am fear that I am then just the wrong person for him. I have spent 20 years going to various therapists and have come such a long way in terms of healing (i.e. initially sex seemed totally impossible, but now I'm capable of it a few times a week, albeit that I feel 'comforted' more than sexual). But my husband understandably wants more: he's a very healthily passionate man, and is very loving and wants to show and grow his deep love through a lot of touching, kissing, different sexual positions. Nothing extreme - just what's normal. Sex as an expression of deep love is almost his love language - that's how important it is to him. We are VERY sexually incompatible, therefore...
Ladies, does anyone else out there relate? I feel as if I have worked very hard to get where I am (i.e. 'not minding' sex, and even being able to have it at all) and I really just want to stop always slaving away to improve improve improve. If I told you (who always hated swimming) that you must, after 20 years of trying to like it, continue to try and try and try... At what point would you say to me, dammit, I just DON'T WANT IT. It inwardly traumatises and distresses me a lot and I have no desire to like it. It's not pleasant for me. I don't have a need for sex but will have sex regularly to nurture intimacy; but I feel so hurt and scared and rejected that this is not enough, and that my husband, loving and loyal as he is, really feels our relationship is not sustainable unless things improve physically. I feel like I'm being forced (once again.. as in my childhood) to be comfortable with an idea I'm not comfortable with.
My question is: although my husband loves me dearly and only wants a so-called slight improvement, if I feel so traumatised by someone wanting more from me, and if I have really worked hard on my healing in the past and just want to BE GOOD ENOUGH AS I AM now, is it in your opinion better for us to just consider ourselves sexually incompatible and separate, than go through the inevitable resentment, pain, etc. to try to get through this?
Thank you
The long of it is as follows:
Background info: my father took a lot of interest in my physical development throughout my childhood. He didn't rape me, but he made many seemingly obsessive comments about my physical growing up development, once touched my breasts whilst 'tickling my back' (and then asked, the next day, if "I wanted another tickle like yesterday?") and once told me "I can't help it if I'm in love with you...". Lots of the time he was a normal dad, but then these things would happen inbetween and devastate me. If you combine all of this with the fact that I 'don't know for sure if he's into me...am I going mad?' plus the fact that I am a very sensitive person, all combined to create in me the most damaging, devastating confusion about love/desire/sex that I could ever describe to you, and an absolute phobia about physical development and being noticed or stared at. It also obviously totally shattered any development in me of the truth that sex in a trust/caring situation with a familiar pers on is in any way desirable. For me, it's a repulsive thought because I spent my childhood trying to avoid having my father potentially do that to me. (I confronted him years later, and in true fashion with caring but inappropriate and socially limited people like him, he was completely gobsmacked at what I said, couldn't remember doing any of this, and genuinely denied that he'd ever have wanted to have sex with me... )
Living with A PARENT who you are convinced would want to have sex with you if he could (which is more catastrophic emotionally than being molested by a stranger, I think..) but not ever being totally 100% sure if it's all in your head - and having all of this happening at the most formative time for a person (adolescence) was devastating to me.
I seem to have a good libido (masturbation is fine and I"m comfortable naked) but I have no desire to have sex with another person. I had sex with about 4 people before marriage (mostly out of desperation at feeling so shameful for never having had sex before). I can get turned on if the person is a relative stranger, but as we get to know each other, my feelings wane (makes sense considering my dad was familiar to me.)
Husband and I dated for 2 years (and had sex relatively regularly) before we got married. Have been married for about 4 years and have a 2.5 year old child.
I was exceptionally clear with my husband before we got married about my fears and limitations. I have never basically orgasmed during sex and don't have any desire to. I even went so far as to say, if we only had sex once a month, would you still want to continue with this? And at the time he said yes. I needed him to be sure beforehand.
But now, 4 years in, he says that I have regressed sexually and he is very unhappy about our intimacy. He says I was quite a bit less inhibited before we married and in our early married years, and he feels that 'he did not sign up for this' - ie. the fact that I have now 'regressed' in his opinion, and hardly want him to touch me. He says he stands by the 'one occasion of sex a month' thing but he wants quality..
(Since we married I had a baby, and have also been on anti-depressants for years - but please understand this is not a libido issue - my libido is fine - I just don't feel any desire to have sex with another person.) Even though I don't desire sex with another person (even my husband), for me it's important to still have it because, even though I don't want to function 'sexually' in it, i.e. get turned on and orgasm, etc. it's a very important intimacy for a married couple and I want to nurture that closeness. I also know it's vital for him as a man, and I do my best to hide if I feel panicky or really turned off (we are very open about my past, but you can't always push your partner away, so playing the part is something I do a lot.)
My husband says he understands about my past and accepts that, and doesn't want anything extreme in terms of sex and intimacy - he just wants a little more than we have now (i.e. missionary position, no looking, no other touching). Yes, to the men out there - I anticipate you're going to write about how unfair I am being to him by not wanting him to even look at me, not allowing any touching, etc. and how I must think about the importance of sex to a man, etc. I know all of this, but I find it very distressing to feel that I am not good enough as I am, and that I am in a sense being offered an ultimatum - either improve, or this marriage is unsustainable.
I totally understand his position, but I am fear that I am then just the wrong person for him. I have spent 20 years going to various therapists and have come such a long way in terms of healing (i.e. initially sex seemed totally impossible, but now I'm capable of it a few times a week, albeit that I feel 'comforted' more than sexual). But my husband understandably wants more: he's a very healthily passionate man, and is very loving and wants to show and grow his deep love through a lot of touching, kissing, different sexual positions. Nothing extreme - just what's normal. Sex as an expression of deep love is almost his love language - that's how important it is to him. We are VERY sexually incompatible, therefore...
Ladies, does anyone else out there relate? I feel as if I have worked very hard to get where I am (i.e. 'not minding' sex, and even being able to have it at all) and I really just want to stop always slaving away to improve improve improve. If I told you (who always hated swimming) that you must, after 20 years of trying to like it, continue to try and try and try... At what point would you say to me, dammit, I just DON'T WANT IT. It inwardly traumatises and distresses me a lot and I have no desire to like it. It's not pleasant for me. I don't have a need for sex but will have sex regularly to nurture intimacy; but I feel so hurt and scared and rejected that this is not enough, and that my husband, loving and loyal as he is, really feels our relationship is not sustainable unless things improve physically. I feel like I'm being forced (once again.. as in my childhood) to be comfortable with an idea I'm not comfortable with.
My question is: although my husband loves me dearly and only wants a so-called slight improvement, if I feel so traumatised by someone wanting more from me, and if I have really worked hard on my healing in the past and just want to BE GOOD ENOUGH AS I AM now, is it in your opinion better for us to just consider ourselves sexually incompatible and separate, than go through the inevitable resentment, pain, etc. to try to get through this?
Thank you
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment