| This is going to be a long post, so apologies in advance :-p So I've gotten myself into a very complicated romantic situation... first I suppose I should give a little background info about myself, though: I'm 31, and live in Portland, ME. I'm a college dropout (6 years, no degree), though I hold a fairly decent job as a pharmacy technician at a local hospital. I live alone in a rather large two bedroom duplex. It's a lot of empty space for just me. I've been single for about 6 months now. The last relationship I was in lasted 2 years, and the one previous to that was well over 7. There was roughly a 10 month break in between the two. Both relationships were initially started online. I have very few friends, as most have moved away or are extremely busy. My sole friend that lives locally is married, just had his first kid, works, goes to school, and is in a band. Needless to say, I almost never see him (once every month or two if I'm lucky). I'm very introverted, but not in a shy way. I am simply reserved in my manner, and it takes me some time to open up to new people. I am a hopeless romantic, and have been since the onset of adolescence, lol. Most of my romantic pursuits have been unrequited, or ended up in deeply flawed relationships. I have a tendency to overextend and sacrifice myself too much, which created great rifts between me and my former partners. So a few months back (roughly around November), I returned to online dating sites and began seeking out a new relationship. I wasn't actively trying to date, but at the least I hoped to meet some people and perhaps make new friends. Surprisingly, I received many replies this time around (a stark contrast to days past), and engaged in dozens of very nice conversations. Some of them were quite in depth, and continued for a good span. However, I was having trouble making that jump from emailing on the sites to asking for dates. It wasn't until December that I actually met someone in person, though it was a poor date and we stopped talking after that. Mid-January marked my first round of "proper" dates. I went on three of them during some vacation time. Two of them didn't amount to much, as both of them stopped contacting me after the first date. I attempted to stay in touch, but didn't want to force anything. The third "date" was the most intriguing... I saw this particular girl and thought "wow". She was on a subscription dating sites and didn't have a membership, so I wasn't able to email her right away. Eventually, she stealthed an email address into her profile, and I was able to contact her. We share a great deal of mutual interests, and she seemed like an interesting person. However, she is considerably younger than me (20, soon to be 21), and I found out in the first few emails we exchanged that she had enlisted in the Navy, and would be leaving at the end of February! Despite that, I thought, "Hey, I'll keep talking with her anyway. At the very least I can make a new friend and enjoy her company before she has to leave." Also, I discovered she lives about an hour and a half away from me. During my vacation, she mentioned that she would be going to a Sci-fi/fantasy convention in Boston. She suggested that I could attend as well, and it would be a good opportunity for us to meet in person. It was extremely short notice (a matter of days), but I decided I would go for a day. She was there for the weekend. I was happy to go, actually. I had been extremely holed up this winter, depressed, and recovering from my recent breakup. I thought it would be a great way to break out of my shell a little bit (and so it was!). I hesitated the night before; I was nervous about going alone, should I not connect well with this girl. But I pushed aside my fears and took a bus down to Boston on a cool January Saturday. I got there quite early, and she wasn't there yet. She was staying with friends just outside of town. I called her and sent her a few texts, but got a lukewarm response... it almost seemed like she wasn't even willing to meet up anymore. I began to regret going down, and nearly left a couple hours after arriving! But I knew I should at the very least try and meet up with her. About halfway through the day, I finally did. It didn't take long for us to become comfortable in each other's company. We were like old friends. It was so easy to be around her, and there was something special between us from the start. Still, I attempted to hold back any romantic inclinations, knowing that she would soon be heading off to boot camp. We had so much fun I missed the last bus I was supposed to take on Saturday! I was stuck in Boston until the next bus departed at 5am on Sunday morning. She was kind enough to spend that extra time with me instead of going back to her friend's place to sleep. It was really sweet of her, and we spent the late night/early morning hours in her car, parked in front of the bus depot, talking. I was definitely feeling something by the end, but didn't push for anything romantic (we didn't even hug when I left). Fast forward a couple of weeks later... we remained in contact, and I even hung out with her once at the mall when she visited Portland with some friends. The next time I saw her, she decided to come down and visit me. This was our first time together where it was truly one on one. Still, I didn't consider it to be a date. I was just happy to have a new friend. But it was during this time we spent together (14 hours!) that I realized I was beginning to have romantic feelings for her. Again, we talked through the night, getting no sleep. :-p Later that week, when we were chatting online, I decided to tell her how I felt, figuring there was nothing to lose and that she would probably just stop talking with me. But she didn't. She wouldn't give me a clear answer as to how she felt, and put a lot of emphasis that I shouldn't fall for her since she was leaving... but we continued to talk frequently and hang out. I didn't push for anything after sharing my feelings; I just tried to enjoy our blossoming friendship, knowing it would soon come to an end. But I began to shift in my thinking around this time… I thought that maybe a relationship might truly be possible between us. I even wrote a letter in an attempt to convince her to not join the Navy! I didn't give it to her, though, as much as I think she's joining the navy for the wrong reasons. Basically she's joining because she wants to have a career without having to pursue or think about it much. She's not particularly patriotic, and I don't think she'll really fit in with the crowd. There are other factors I think pushed her into this choice. She tried college, but failed the course she took. She hasn't been able to find a decent job (she lives in a pretty rural area). And about a year and a half ago, her father passed away. On the surface these might not seem like bad reasons to join, and admittedly I haven't known her long… but I'm a pretty good judge of character. There's something about it that doesn't seem to fit for her. I feel like it's a choice for its own sake, not because it's what she really wants to do. I would ask her questions about it, and she seemed to me she didn't really know what she was getting into. Even she was uneasy about having to sign a contract and being so locked into it. Still, she's very committed to it. I knew convincing her not to go wasn't the right thing to do, and wouldn't be able to if I tried. So, I began to ask myself if I could wait until she finished her first active duty (4 years). It seems like such a long time, and I am already 31… but I began to get the notion in my head that it was possible. Anyway, the weekend after Valentine's day she was going to come down to visit me again (we had seen each other one other time, so this would mark our 5th meeting). She couldn't drive down because there was a snowstorm... as she was telling me she couldn't come down over the phone I offered to drive to her and pick her up, as my car handles well in the snow. She said she didn't really want me to do that. I was driving at the time, and very impulsively turned around and started driving north. I was driving up to see her anyway. I kept driving. She thought maybe I was joking at first. But I was pretty serious about seeing her that day. I wasn't trying to be a jerk about it… I just really wanted to see her, and knew my remaining time with her was short (we only had 1 more meeting planned after that one). She wasn't mad, as she did want to see me, too. It was a pretty crazy thing to do -- fairly bold and out of character for myself. So I saw her that day, and yet again we talked all night. Most of the evening was spent in my car, as she didn't want to go back to her place and everything was closed. We discussed many things, including my feelings for her. She admitted that if she were not joining the Navy, she would be extremely interested in a relationship with me. But she also told me again -- and I had totally forgotten that she told me this before -- that she plans to reenlist after her first 4 years, and keep reenlisting until she hits 20 years and retires! My heart sank… despite all this, I awkwardly asked for a kiss from her when our evening was over. She said yes, but it was extremely tense. That reminds me… she is a virgin. Not that it matters to me, and it's kind of an out-of-the-blue statement, but it could be relevant. I'm not greatly experienced myself (only 2 partners), but she hasn't been with anybody. She might not want to commit to one person because of that. Even beyond that, I guess it kind of boils down to the fact that I'm really ready to commit to one person and settle down, and [perhaps] she is not. | |||
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