I am worn out and heartbroken. My handsome husband of ten years, who I love so much, has never had a huge sex drive, but it's reached an all-time low. I am devastated and desperate- and he thinks everything is fine! Plus - oh, I feel so awful saying this- he is bad in bed. :( Please help, or share your experience so I know I'm not alone- of course I think it's mostly men who have this issue. What do I even do with that
I'm considered really attractive, men stare at me wherever I go, and I've kept myself in good shape. I don't harp on him, I don't diminish him as a man verbally, I build him up constantly to let him know I think he's an amazing person- I've tried to analyze anything I might be doing that pushes him away from me as a person, trying to understand why he isn't excited to have sex with me.
I should mention, we've also had separate bedrooms for 6 years due to his insomnia. He says he likes having his own space- again, he's fine with how things are- but I feel like I'm dying inside from everything this represents about our lack of intimacy. And the literal lack.
He is very shy and conservative, sexually. Believe it or not, unheard of in this day and age, we waited until our wedding night to sleep together. I know, I know, I can feel the comments coming already... but it's what we felt was right at the time. We weren't virgins, we just wanted to do it differently with each other, based on our religious beliefs and feeling in good faith we were doing the right thing and making up for past mistakes. Well the wedding night was a major disappointment- but I figured it would improve as we got to know each other sexually. It didn't. :(
Truthfully our chemistry has never been right and I knew it from that first night- but you always hope things can change when you love the person so much. He doesn't even like to kiss. What the hell?? I used to get so turned on with other men, just from making out like teenagers, but when I try to get my husband to, Honestly, heartbreakingly, I feel nothing.
I have a really healthy sex drive. It isn't obsessive or anything but I really enjoy sex (at least I used to, in other relationships) and I don't feel apologetic about it. He rarely initiates anything with me- we have sex maybe every 4-6-8 weeks, which to me is horrible for two young, attractive, childless people. And the worst part is, that when it finally does happen, although I've been waiting and wishing for so long leading up to it, once it's happening I end up thinking to myself, Why did i miss this again...?! It's really bad for me. This is rough, but... my husband has no idea how to touch a woman's body. NO CLUE. There are men who take pleasure in your pleasure- most men, dammit!- but my husband is not one of them. He pulls at my body like a two year old would, fumbling, doing things I've repeatedly asked him to please not do, and he seems half-hearted about the whole experience besides. Even in my frustration, I try to gently and sexily encourage him, telling and showing what I like- I know making him feel bad would be counterproductive for both of us. But by the next time, he's completely forgotten and/or disregarded. Plus he has a PE problem, he only lasts about 2 minutes, (unless he's been drinking, but dear god, I don't want to have one or both of us have to be drunk to have passable sex!) So, seriously, fumbling or nonexistent foreplay, 2 minutes of basic in-out action, and not even cuddling after. He tends to leave the room right after. I am losing my mind. I've bought toys to try to take care of myself as best I can, but I always cry after, wishing it had been him.
I've approached the subject of course- This issue keeps coming up for me, it's not just going to go away. We always end up in a big fight, even though I try like crazy to not accuse him or put him in a defensive position. It never goes well. My requests and suggestions aren't taken well; He feels wrong about using toys, and has no desire to experiment like I do. I would try anything he wants, with enthusiasm (!) but he just doesn't have the same mind-set. I don't get it!!! Don't most men have a desire to please their woman sexually? Don't most healthy young guys, like, LIVE for it?? He is such a giver when it comes to things and finances and he's a great provider but i cannot make sense of what's wrong with him sexually, or what's wrong with me that he doesn't crave me.
So now, over the years I've settled for our love life mostly consisting of me giving my husband lots of oral sex, which I initiate just to feel like I have SOME connection with him, and I figure it's my gift to him and one of us may as well be happy. He loves it of course but I'm always so stunned that there's so little regard for what MY sexual needs might be- does he even think about it? In other areas of life he is the kindest person I know. We are really good to each other. But I honestly feel like he has a take-it-or-leave-it approach when it comes to sex, and I am utterly heartbroken. We are not even 40 and all I can think is, I still have a lot of good years in me, and here I am staying up late every night reading marriage and sex advice forums and crying. I love him so much, and he would be destroyed if I left him. On the one hand I cant imagine losing my best friend but on the other, I can't imagine that this is the rest of my life.
I'm considered really attractive, men stare at me wherever I go, and I've kept myself in good shape. I don't harp on him, I don't diminish him as a man verbally, I build him up constantly to let him know I think he's an amazing person- I've tried to analyze anything I might be doing that pushes him away from me as a person, trying to understand why he isn't excited to have sex with me.
I should mention, we've also had separate bedrooms for 6 years due to his insomnia. He says he likes having his own space- again, he's fine with how things are- but I feel like I'm dying inside from everything this represents about our lack of intimacy. And the literal lack.
He is very shy and conservative, sexually. Believe it or not, unheard of in this day and age, we waited until our wedding night to sleep together. I know, I know, I can feel the comments coming already... but it's what we felt was right at the time. We weren't virgins, we just wanted to do it differently with each other, based on our religious beliefs and feeling in good faith we were doing the right thing and making up for past mistakes. Well the wedding night was a major disappointment- but I figured it would improve as we got to know each other sexually. It didn't. :(
Truthfully our chemistry has never been right and I knew it from that first night- but you always hope things can change when you love the person so much. He doesn't even like to kiss. What the hell?? I used to get so turned on with other men, just from making out like teenagers, but when I try to get my husband to, Honestly, heartbreakingly, I feel nothing.
I have a really healthy sex drive. It isn't obsessive or anything but I really enjoy sex (at least I used to, in other relationships) and I don't feel apologetic about it. He rarely initiates anything with me- we have sex maybe every 4-6-8 weeks, which to me is horrible for two young, attractive, childless people. And the worst part is, that when it finally does happen, although I've been waiting and wishing for so long leading up to it, once it's happening I end up thinking to myself, Why did i miss this again...?! It's really bad for me. This is rough, but... my husband has no idea how to touch a woman's body. NO CLUE. There are men who take pleasure in your pleasure- most men, dammit!- but my husband is not one of them. He pulls at my body like a two year old would, fumbling, doing things I've repeatedly asked him to please not do, and he seems half-hearted about the whole experience besides. Even in my frustration, I try to gently and sexily encourage him, telling and showing what I like- I know making him feel bad would be counterproductive for both of us. But by the next time, he's completely forgotten and/or disregarded. Plus he has a PE problem, he only lasts about 2 minutes, (unless he's been drinking, but dear god, I don't want to have one or both of us have to be drunk to have passable sex!) So, seriously, fumbling or nonexistent foreplay, 2 minutes of basic in-out action, and not even cuddling after. He tends to leave the room right after. I am losing my mind. I've bought toys to try to take care of myself as best I can, but I always cry after, wishing it had been him.
I've approached the subject of course- This issue keeps coming up for me, it's not just going to go away. We always end up in a big fight, even though I try like crazy to not accuse him or put him in a defensive position. It never goes well. My requests and suggestions aren't taken well; He feels wrong about using toys, and has no desire to experiment like I do. I would try anything he wants, with enthusiasm (!) but he just doesn't have the same mind-set. I don't get it!!! Don't most men have a desire to please their woman sexually? Don't most healthy young guys, like, LIVE for it?? He is such a giver when it comes to things and finances and he's a great provider but i cannot make sense of what's wrong with him sexually, or what's wrong with me that he doesn't crave me.
So now, over the years I've settled for our love life mostly consisting of me giving my husband lots of oral sex, which I initiate just to feel like I have SOME connection with him, and I figure it's my gift to him and one of us may as well be happy. He loves it of course but I'm always so stunned that there's so little regard for what MY sexual needs might be- does he even think about it? In other areas of life he is the kindest person I know. We are really good to each other. But I honestly feel like he has a take-it-or-leave-it approach when it comes to sex, and I am utterly heartbroken. We are not even 40 and all I can think is, I still have a lot of good years in me, and here I am staying up late every night reading marriage and sex advice forums and crying. I love him so much, and he would be destroyed if I left him. On the one hand I cant imagine losing my best friend but on the other, I can't imagine that this is the rest of my life.
Put the internet to work for you.
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