I'm really in need of advice today and am going to try to catalog the events of the last few years up until it reached a head today as best and simply as I can.
My wife and I have been married for two and a half years now. I just turned 30 and she 29. I found out a couple years ago that she had been having an EA with some loser (lives at home, no job, etc) from Canada. Turns out he was not the first either. It has come to my attention that she was even talking to this guy during most of our engagement. Why she went through with the wedding at all while doing this is beyond me.
Anyway, we have fought about this many times, even went to marriage counceling for a while to try to fix things between us. The councelor told her that she needs to stop the EA immediately and that our marriage will never have a chance of improving until she does. She refused to listen and kept talking to the guy so eventually I quit counceling. Her refusal to stop cheating was an indicator to me that she wasn't listening to the councelor anyway and so it was a waste of time and money.
Things have been bad between us as far as I see it for a long time now. She shows me virtually no affection ever. No hugs, no kisses unless I initiate them and even then it's not even close to what you could call passionate. We've only had sex twice in the last year. Not for a lack of me trying or wanting to. And believe me, I know she enjoys sex. Probably even more than I do. She says things often that shake my confidence and make me feel bad about myself. Calls me lazy and stupid fairly often. All this even though I am an engineer, make triple her salary, work 11 hours a day, then come home and do all the maintenance/cleaning to the house and lawn, take care of our dog, keep up the cars, etc etc. I do all of this without mentioning it or expecting reward. She never lifts so much as a finger. I used to enjoy doing these things for her, but now I fear I have spoiled her and she comes to expect it. Nothing is ever good enough for her anymore no matter what I do or plan. I'm no t rich so I can't afford fancy trips all the time and such. Not sure what to do there.
I have tried talking to her about how she makes me feel lately, again about stopping her EA (which I just recently found going on again with that same guy, probably never stopped), and about how I feel we need a drastic change and to get a loving dynamic back. When I bring these issues up however, all she manages to say is things to make me feel bad again and refuses to drop the guy. This is three years now almost she has been having this EA and plays a cursed online video game with the guy.
Today I reached a point where I couldn't take it anymore. She woke me up early and said she wanted to go buy some new parts for her computer and wants me to help install them and do a few other things with it. This offended me terribly as I know she wants them to better play the game that she plays three or four nights a week with the EA guy. So I flat out told her to "cut the guy out completely and go no contact right now or I'm not helping with this". This started a huge fight. The summation of the fight gives me the impression she would let me go before she drops him. A while into this I finally snapped and used the big D word. I said "I won't put up with this anymore so not only won't I help with your computer, but you get rid him today or I'll be filing for divorce this week".
Her reaction was shocking. At first she came out and said "If you want any hope of getting what you want, come help me with the computer.". I have tried it her way (giving her what she wants first) more times than I can count and he still remains, so this time I refused. Told her he has to go first or she's on her own and again I will file for divorce. At this point she adamantly said she wasn't cutting him out of her life. To which I told her to expect papers this week. This turned into her yelling that I don't love her and even hitting me a couple times with a computer chord. She got very angry "I hope you die, you're not a man", all the cliches were said that you'd expect from an angry spouse (note she never says these things normally). In the end she stormed off to Best Buy with her computer about an hour ago, pissed off, and I haven't heard from her since.
I don't know if this is the reaction I should expect from this. Would she have reacted this way even if deep down she wants to fix us? What I do know is it really is horrible of her to keep having her EA, knowing full well how bad it hurts me. Don't read me wrong, I still love her with all my heart and will be devastated if we split up, but I just don't know that I can live with her EA and the complete lack of affection anymore. I feel like a glorified room mate that just supports her and sleeps next to her at night. I miss the old her so much it kills me. But I'm 30 now and not getting younger. Still young enough I hope I can still find someone who really cares for me if she doesn't anymore and I don't have any kids tying me down. Guess the whole prospect of dating again terrifies me because I didn't do much of it before getting married. Heck I only ever dated two girls, including my now wife. But at least I've kept in decent shape and am professionally successful so there i s a chance.
Anyway, I need ideas on how I should proceed at this point. Should I go ahead and file so she knows I'm serious, hoping for a wake up call? What should I expect from her tonight when she returns home? I'm scared and worried for sure about what might happen in the coming days, but am trying to stay strong. Anything I should or shouldn't say that might help me get through to her? Any advice would help at this point. Anything at all.
Thanks.
My wife and I have been married for two and a half years now. I just turned 30 and she 29. I found out a couple years ago that she had been having an EA with some loser (lives at home, no job, etc) from Canada. Turns out he was not the first either. It has come to my attention that she was even talking to this guy during most of our engagement. Why she went through with the wedding at all while doing this is beyond me.
Anyway, we have fought about this many times, even went to marriage counceling for a while to try to fix things between us. The councelor told her that she needs to stop the EA immediately and that our marriage will never have a chance of improving until she does. She refused to listen and kept talking to the guy so eventually I quit counceling. Her refusal to stop cheating was an indicator to me that she wasn't listening to the councelor anyway and so it was a waste of time and money.
Things have been bad between us as far as I see it for a long time now. She shows me virtually no affection ever. No hugs, no kisses unless I initiate them and even then it's not even close to what you could call passionate. We've only had sex twice in the last year. Not for a lack of me trying or wanting to. And believe me, I know she enjoys sex. Probably even more than I do. She says things often that shake my confidence and make me feel bad about myself. Calls me lazy and stupid fairly often. All this even though I am an engineer, make triple her salary, work 11 hours a day, then come home and do all the maintenance/cleaning to the house and lawn, take care of our dog, keep up the cars, etc etc. I do all of this without mentioning it or expecting reward. She never lifts so much as a finger. I used to enjoy doing these things for her, but now I fear I have spoiled her and she comes to expect it. Nothing is ever good enough for her anymore no matter what I do or plan. I'm no t rich so I can't afford fancy trips all the time and such. Not sure what to do there.
I have tried talking to her about how she makes me feel lately, again about stopping her EA (which I just recently found going on again with that same guy, probably never stopped), and about how I feel we need a drastic change and to get a loving dynamic back. When I bring these issues up however, all she manages to say is things to make me feel bad again and refuses to drop the guy. This is three years now almost she has been having this EA and plays a cursed online video game with the guy.
Today I reached a point where I couldn't take it anymore. She woke me up early and said she wanted to go buy some new parts for her computer and wants me to help install them and do a few other things with it. This offended me terribly as I know she wants them to better play the game that she plays three or four nights a week with the EA guy. So I flat out told her to "cut the guy out completely and go no contact right now or I'm not helping with this". This started a huge fight. The summation of the fight gives me the impression she would let me go before she drops him. A while into this I finally snapped and used the big D word. I said "I won't put up with this anymore so not only won't I help with your computer, but you get rid him today or I'll be filing for divorce this week".
Her reaction was shocking. At first she came out and said "If you want any hope of getting what you want, come help me with the computer.". I have tried it her way (giving her what she wants first) more times than I can count and he still remains, so this time I refused. Told her he has to go first or she's on her own and again I will file for divorce. At this point she adamantly said she wasn't cutting him out of her life. To which I told her to expect papers this week. This turned into her yelling that I don't love her and even hitting me a couple times with a computer chord. She got very angry "I hope you die, you're not a man", all the cliches were said that you'd expect from an angry spouse (note she never says these things normally). In the end she stormed off to Best Buy with her computer about an hour ago, pissed off, and I haven't heard from her since.
I don't know if this is the reaction I should expect from this. Would she have reacted this way even if deep down she wants to fix us? What I do know is it really is horrible of her to keep having her EA, knowing full well how bad it hurts me. Don't read me wrong, I still love her with all my heart and will be devastated if we split up, but I just don't know that I can live with her EA and the complete lack of affection anymore. I feel like a glorified room mate that just supports her and sleeps next to her at night. I miss the old her so much it kills me. But I'm 30 now and not getting younger. Still young enough I hope I can still find someone who really cares for me if she doesn't anymore and I don't have any kids tying me down. Guess the whole prospect of dating again terrifies me because I didn't do much of it before getting married. Heck I only ever dated two girls, including my now wife. But at least I've kept in decent shape and am professionally successful so there i s a chance.
Anyway, I need ideas on how I should proceed at this point. Should I go ahead and file so she knows I'm serious, hoping for a wake up call? What should I expect from her tonight when she returns home? I'm scared and worried for sure about what might happen in the coming days, but am trying to stay strong. Anything I should or shouldn't say that might help me get through to her? Any advice would help at this point. Anything at all.
Thanks.
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