Hi all, I'm new to this forum so hopefully I'm posting in the right spot?
I'm 29 and my husband is 52. We have a one year old together and I have two older children from a previous marriage.
I shouldn't complain, he's a good father to his son. But here I am laying wide awake in the spare bedroom with my one year old next to me while my husband sleeps in the master bedroom upstairs. I cracked it tonight and told him I was going to sleep in the spare bedroom and he just got this real stormy look on his face but said nothing except to come tell me an hour later to turn off the telly because it was too loud. I turned it down to very low but am staying in the spare room for tonight.
Crux of the matter: we don't have sex very often. I have a high sex drive and he has a low one. Except he seems to have enough of a sex drive to pursue other women online and to have even had an (emotional?) affair with one for five months of our almost two year marriage. As far as I know it wasn't physical, but I'm really not too sure as some of the emails they exchanged suggested it was physical too but he denies it ever got physical despite the fact I know for a fact they met up more than once (and in her email to him she said that she loved it when he pressed himself into her hard on one particular occasion they met up - sounds strangely intimate to me!). He was telling her so many lies about me, telling her we had split up and that I wasn't going to let him see his son. And they even talked about raising my son (my husband and my son) together!!! Can you imagine how upset I was to find that out?! I only found out in January because I was really suspicious and found hundr eds of their emails in his account back and forth and spent weeks in hell afterwards. He wasn't really into me much sexually when they were having their affair and I thought it was because he kept saying was getting fat during pregnancy. I thought he wasn't interested in me and that I just wasn't doing enough or being a good enough wife. Instead it was because he was having an affair and all his energy was going into that. But he hasn't been sexually interested in me ever since his affair with her. He says he is, but he doesn't follow through, he doesn't do anything to show me he is. Instead he is always tired. Cranky. Says he is stressed out which he says every time I ask that it's because he's worried about the post?
I'm so sick of the excuses. I have a lot more to stress about than he does, I have big stuff happening in my life that he ignores and pretends he is elsewhere or goes hides in his workshop when I actually really need support - when I am so distressed and can't turn to talk to anyone and he isn't even there for me then. And I run the house and do everything and yet he reckons he's so stressed out that he can't pay me any attention or be intimate at all or even just talk to me like a normal human being? Some days he can't even smile at me and yet will smile at other people? He is only ever helpful towards me when other people are around (like when his mother comes to visit). What have I done that is so wrong or so horrible? What is so repulsive about me?
He had a high sex drive when we were dating but as soon as we moved in together and got married the sex gradually died away until now where although it's not completely sexless, some months we don't do anything. He rarely initiates but when he does it's not really pleasant for me because he gets a bit rough. I don't deny him EVER though because he's told me before that the only reason he doesn't have sex more often with me is because he "doesn't like to get knocked back" :scratchhead: . Strange because I've never knocked him back. Most of the time when we have sex I have to initiate. However most of the time when I initiate he doesn't want to do it. Says he is tired. Says he doesn't have the time (yet has time to do a million other things). Says he doesn't feel like it, has a headache and so on and so forth.
I feel absolutely worthless. I feel so ugly. He used to comment about how fat I was (when I was pregnant and right after birth), despite me never having actually been fat. I lost a lot of weight for him to stop him making those horrible comments and because I wanted him to love me again and to want to make love to him. I'm now significantly underweight and he rarely makes those sorts of comments any more, except if I eat chocolate or eat anything he thinks will make me fat. Which is ridiculous because I usually eat only one to two meals a day and only eat extra food when I'm starving hungry because I'm also breastfeeding. He will look at all the food on my plate and make comments, despite the fact I'm giving my one year old son food off of my own plate.
I'm so angry with him. I know now he will sulk for days if not weeks because I'm sleeping in the spare bedroom tonight, but I'm sick and tired of being treated like this. He said tonight he is not a machine, yet am I a machine? I will still make the effort even when I don't feel like it. I even give him head when I have tonsillitis because he insists - how can he not understand that I go out of my way for him ALL of the time. Yet he treats going out of his way for me as though it's a huge burden and most of the time won't even try to make an effort?! I don't even have to have sex, he could just kiss me, or touch me but he won't even do that. Instead he sits in front of the telly drinking alcohol and gets on the bloody internet. I try so hard and he tries so little!
Is there something wrong with me for wanting to have sex with him?
I'm so sick and tired of his sulking and sullen stares whenever I tell him such and such is unacceptable. Like yesterday my 9 year old daughter was drawing a picture of a sun for a decoration for Christmas, and he tells her she's done a stupid picture and why has she made the sun cross-eyed. She proceeded to cry and chucked her drawing out and he told her she was being immature. I called him out on that because I'm sorry, but I think that it isn't ok to tell a child their drawing is stupid. And he rolled his eyes and said, "WHATEVER!" and sulked for most of the day... Should I have said nothing? He keeps doing that and I'm supposed to do nothing? Sulking that continues for hours/days/weeks if I ask something from him... like if I ask him to pay for something (instead of me having to pay for everything). Or if I ask him for sex, or suggest it, or whatever.
It's like pulling teeth. I'm so tired of it all.
I'm pretty sure my infraction tonight will probably be punished too with him reaching out to another female. He's justified his online-dalliances by saying I wasn't being particularly loving or we were having an argument before. Also, he reckons all the other affairs he's had on other women in the past were only because their relationship wasn't good enough or he wasn't happy in the relationship or they weren't having a good time in the relationship. Which of course makes me worry. He assures me things are different between us, that he is a reformed man and learnt from his "mistake" earlier in our marriage. But can a leopard change it's spots? Can a 52 year old man who was a committed womanizer since his early twenties really change? AND I checked his FB page again yesterday after not having checked it for ages (spent months trying to trust him again and telling myself it would make no difference one way or another if I check because I knew he wouldn't stop). And once again I found sexual messages from him to other women. I know that at the moment he hasn't got anything physical going on with other women, because he's at home all the time (both him and I work from home). But he isn't being faithful online.
Is it his age making his libido go low? And how can he be interested in other women if he's not interested in me? What is wrong with me that I can't seem to attract him? I have tried so many things and it seems to turn him off more even though he'll get a big grin at first. He doesn't have any impotency issues. I'm sure it's probably just going to get worse if it's an age thing. I'll probably have to be celibate for the rest of our lives except when he's feeling amorous. I just can't understand it. he doesn't want me to masturbate, in fact he makes horrible jokes if I do masturbate and he gets angry if I do, and yet he rarely does anything to make me happy in bed and rarely has sex with me.
I'm sorry for whinging and for the really long post. I'm just so lonely and don't know what to do any more. I can't imagine leaving him because we have a child together and I don't want to upset my children's lives. And he is a great father most of the time. He is fun to be around sometimes, and I do enjoy his company when he isn't raining on everyone's parade and making snarky comments. But I am very tired of dealing with all the BS that comes with it. I am sure I am to blame and deserve this ****, I'm just tired of it. I am tired of having to initiate and feeling like I'm just taken for granted all day every day. :( I could even possibly turn a blind eye to his philandering ways/wandering eyes if only he would pay more attention to me and treat me like I was precious to him. I wish he could see his double standard, what with him dabbling on the side online and yet he would be furious if I did the same thing. Sometimes I even fantasize about hurting him by doing the same thi ng just to get him to see how much it hurts. But I can't do that to him, I just can't do it.
I feel like I'm a bad person for moving rooms tonight, I just didn't want to sleep next to him and feel that deep emptiness all night long. At least being in a different room I can watch telly, go on the computer without having him get disturbed and tell me off for staying up too late. Fill this awful hole through watching Red Dwarf on repeat. He can stay up to 3am some nights on his computer with FB going ping-ping-ping with messages but how dare I watch a tv show I actually like or get on the computer and disturb him when he wants to go to bed! Being in another room feels freer. At least I don't have to lay there with a gaping aching heart. I don't want to ever suggest or ask or even subtlety hint at sex again. I'm so tired of being rejected, so tired of being pushed away and given the cold shoulder.
I'm sorry, I haven't even really asked a question. Just hurting so bad and don't know how to even fix things. And really it's all just silly, he's still a good man despite it all and I do think he loves me. :(
I'm 29 and my husband is 52. We have a one year old together and I have two older children from a previous marriage.
I shouldn't complain, he's a good father to his son. But here I am laying wide awake in the spare bedroom with my one year old next to me while my husband sleeps in the master bedroom upstairs. I cracked it tonight and told him I was going to sleep in the spare bedroom and he just got this real stormy look on his face but said nothing except to come tell me an hour later to turn off the telly because it was too loud. I turned it down to very low but am staying in the spare room for tonight.
Crux of the matter: we don't have sex very often. I have a high sex drive and he has a low one. Except he seems to have enough of a sex drive to pursue other women online and to have even had an (emotional?) affair with one for five months of our almost two year marriage. As far as I know it wasn't physical, but I'm really not too sure as some of the emails they exchanged suggested it was physical too but he denies it ever got physical despite the fact I know for a fact they met up more than once (and in her email to him she said that she loved it when he pressed himself into her hard on one particular occasion they met up - sounds strangely intimate to me!). He was telling her so many lies about me, telling her we had split up and that I wasn't going to let him see his son. And they even talked about raising my son (my husband and my son) together!!! Can you imagine how upset I was to find that out?! I only found out in January because I was really suspicious and found hundr eds of their emails in his account back and forth and spent weeks in hell afterwards. He wasn't really into me much sexually when they were having their affair and I thought it was because he kept saying was getting fat during pregnancy. I thought he wasn't interested in me and that I just wasn't doing enough or being a good enough wife. Instead it was because he was having an affair and all his energy was going into that. But he hasn't been sexually interested in me ever since his affair with her. He says he is, but he doesn't follow through, he doesn't do anything to show me he is. Instead he is always tired. Cranky. Says he is stressed out which he says every time I ask that it's because he's worried about the post?
I'm so sick of the excuses. I have a lot more to stress about than he does, I have big stuff happening in my life that he ignores and pretends he is elsewhere or goes hides in his workshop when I actually really need support - when I am so distressed and can't turn to talk to anyone and he isn't even there for me then. And I run the house and do everything and yet he reckons he's so stressed out that he can't pay me any attention or be intimate at all or even just talk to me like a normal human being? Some days he can't even smile at me and yet will smile at other people? He is only ever helpful towards me when other people are around (like when his mother comes to visit). What have I done that is so wrong or so horrible? What is so repulsive about me?
He had a high sex drive when we were dating but as soon as we moved in together and got married the sex gradually died away until now where although it's not completely sexless, some months we don't do anything. He rarely initiates but when he does it's not really pleasant for me because he gets a bit rough. I don't deny him EVER though because he's told me before that the only reason he doesn't have sex more often with me is because he "doesn't like to get knocked back" :scratchhead: . Strange because I've never knocked him back. Most of the time when we have sex I have to initiate. However most of the time when I initiate he doesn't want to do it. Says he is tired. Says he doesn't have the time (yet has time to do a million other things). Says he doesn't feel like it, has a headache and so on and so forth.
I feel absolutely worthless. I feel so ugly. He used to comment about how fat I was (when I was pregnant and right after birth), despite me never having actually been fat. I lost a lot of weight for him to stop him making those horrible comments and because I wanted him to love me again and to want to make love to him. I'm now significantly underweight and he rarely makes those sorts of comments any more, except if I eat chocolate or eat anything he thinks will make me fat. Which is ridiculous because I usually eat only one to two meals a day and only eat extra food when I'm starving hungry because I'm also breastfeeding. He will look at all the food on my plate and make comments, despite the fact I'm giving my one year old son food off of my own plate.
I'm so angry with him. I know now he will sulk for days if not weeks because I'm sleeping in the spare bedroom tonight, but I'm sick and tired of being treated like this. He said tonight he is not a machine, yet am I a machine? I will still make the effort even when I don't feel like it. I even give him head when I have tonsillitis because he insists - how can he not understand that I go out of my way for him ALL of the time. Yet he treats going out of his way for me as though it's a huge burden and most of the time won't even try to make an effort?! I don't even have to have sex, he could just kiss me, or touch me but he won't even do that. Instead he sits in front of the telly drinking alcohol and gets on the bloody internet. I try so hard and he tries so little!
Is there something wrong with me for wanting to have sex with him?
I'm so sick and tired of his sulking and sullen stares whenever I tell him such and such is unacceptable. Like yesterday my 9 year old daughter was drawing a picture of a sun for a decoration for Christmas, and he tells her she's done a stupid picture and why has she made the sun cross-eyed. She proceeded to cry and chucked her drawing out and he told her she was being immature. I called him out on that because I'm sorry, but I think that it isn't ok to tell a child their drawing is stupid. And he rolled his eyes and said, "WHATEVER!" and sulked for most of the day... Should I have said nothing? He keeps doing that and I'm supposed to do nothing? Sulking that continues for hours/days/weeks if I ask something from him... like if I ask him to pay for something (instead of me having to pay for everything). Or if I ask him for sex, or suggest it, or whatever.
It's like pulling teeth. I'm so tired of it all.
I'm pretty sure my infraction tonight will probably be punished too with him reaching out to another female. He's justified his online-dalliances by saying I wasn't being particularly loving or we were having an argument before. Also, he reckons all the other affairs he's had on other women in the past were only because their relationship wasn't good enough or he wasn't happy in the relationship or they weren't having a good time in the relationship. Which of course makes me worry. He assures me things are different between us, that he is a reformed man and learnt from his "mistake" earlier in our marriage. But can a leopard change it's spots? Can a 52 year old man who was a committed womanizer since his early twenties really change? AND I checked his FB page again yesterday after not having checked it for ages (spent months trying to trust him again and telling myself it would make no difference one way or another if I check because I knew he wouldn't stop). And once again I found sexual messages from him to other women. I know that at the moment he hasn't got anything physical going on with other women, because he's at home all the time (both him and I work from home). But he isn't being faithful online.
Is it his age making his libido go low? And how can he be interested in other women if he's not interested in me? What is wrong with me that I can't seem to attract him? I have tried so many things and it seems to turn him off more even though he'll get a big grin at first. He doesn't have any impotency issues. I'm sure it's probably just going to get worse if it's an age thing. I'll probably have to be celibate for the rest of our lives except when he's feeling amorous. I just can't understand it. he doesn't want me to masturbate, in fact he makes horrible jokes if I do masturbate and he gets angry if I do, and yet he rarely does anything to make me happy in bed and rarely has sex with me.
I'm sorry for whinging and for the really long post. I'm just so lonely and don't know what to do any more. I can't imagine leaving him because we have a child together and I don't want to upset my children's lives. And he is a great father most of the time. He is fun to be around sometimes, and I do enjoy his company when he isn't raining on everyone's parade and making snarky comments. But I am very tired of dealing with all the BS that comes with it. I am sure I am to blame and deserve this ****, I'm just tired of it. I am tired of having to initiate and feeling like I'm just taken for granted all day every day. :( I could even possibly turn a blind eye to his philandering ways/wandering eyes if only he would pay more attention to me and treat me like I was precious to him. I wish he could see his double standard, what with him dabbling on the side online and yet he would be furious if I did the same thing. Sometimes I even fantasize about hurting him by doing the same thi ng just to get him to see how much it hurts. But I can't do that to him, I just can't do it.
I feel like I'm a bad person for moving rooms tonight, I just didn't want to sleep next to him and feel that deep emptiness all night long. At least being in a different room I can watch telly, go on the computer without having him get disturbed and tell me off for staying up too late. Fill this awful hole through watching Red Dwarf on repeat. He can stay up to 3am some nights on his computer with FB going ping-ping-ping with messages but how dare I watch a tv show I actually like or get on the computer and disturb him when he wants to go to bed! Being in another room feels freer. At least I don't have to lay there with a gaping aching heart. I don't want to ever suggest or ask or even subtlety hint at sex again. I'm so tired of being rejected, so tired of being pushed away and given the cold shoulder.
I'm sorry, I haven't even really asked a question. Just hurting so bad and don't know how to even fix things. And really it's all just silly, he's still a good man despite it all and I do think he loves me. :(
Put the internet to work for you.
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