I am hoping to get some suggestions from the guys here (need to know what men will think)
1. Do I remove our wedding photos from the apartment
2. How do I respond to daily emails
Background
I was here last month because husband asked for a divorce after nearly two decades of marriage. To recap - marriage was mostly pretty good. No OM or OW, no emotional affairs, no physical abuse or even emotional abuse.
He says he has had enough of my "behavior" (arguing and "accusing").
The main problem was that he says something that is thoughtlessly hurtful and sometimes I tell him about his behavior gently and sometimes I react. When I tell him about how I hurt from his statements, he shows no reaction, so I never know if he will repeat that behavior or not. When I react with an outburst (usually combined with other frustrations), he will say I need to calm down, end of story. At times, even during a simple conversation, he will start repeating that I should calm down. When I remind him of the sacrifices I made (professional and personal), he feels I am accusing him (I was indicating that I felt underappreciated when he made one of his "honest" comments in front of people).
He is European - one of those who need an even emotional ride.. even excited discussion of a topic unrelated to him can feel too much. Stubborn, over-sensitive when it comes to himself but not for the others and a fragile ego. But he is not malicious. Just thoughtless and tactless. (Please don't get me wrong.. he is a great guy and the perfect fit for me.. I just had not understood how fragile he was.)
Situation
He has removed our photos from his office (I saw that). He is traveling right now and will come to our home to pack his things when he returns. I am conflicted on whether to remove the photos and send him a message that I am agreeable with his decision of divorce so he does not feel pressured that I am still locked into our marriage. Or would that be too much for this emotional, hyper-sensitive guy who acts like a 7 year old mommy's boy. (Sorry, I am not trying to insult him but he does act like a spoiled brat and this give you guys a bit of an idea to his character. All the old ladies love him.)
He is now emailing almost daily about his everyday life when not swamped by work.. the kind of emails we would write when we were married (except for his signatures that have gone from loving to "best regards" or "all the best"). He had said that he would like to be friends and meet up for coffee/dinners in the future. He did remain friends with an ex-girlfriend until her husband put a stop to it (my husband and I do have platonic friendships with the opposite genders and have complete trust in each other, so neither of us minds). He asks me if I am making sure to meet with people and not be alone. He has also said that this is very painful for him. And he keeps repeating that he "knows what is best for him and that is to divorce". Guys, what is going through a man's mind in this type of situation? An emotional guy who like to pretend to be stoic? And how do I respond to these daily emails? What would make someone like him start regretting the divorce - silence from me or com pliance on email/communication? What message is sent by each behavior to a guy?
Folks, I love this guy in a very real way and I am told by friends that he is hurting right now. He told one that he has built up walls and even if we were to reconcile, he would not know how to overcome those walls (I think a coach can help but he won't even consider that option right now). And he is now starting to tell his family and friends now.. but he is telling some that we agreed to this divorce (I did not agree at all).
And he has an equally emotional, oversensitive (also somewhat cynical and disrespectful of women) buddy who might be encouraging him in the divorce situation.
1. Do I remove our wedding photos from the apartment
2. How do I respond to daily emails
Background
I was here last month because husband asked for a divorce after nearly two decades of marriage. To recap - marriage was mostly pretty good. No OM or OW, no emotional affairs, no physical abuse or even emotional abuse.
He says he has had enough of my "behavior" (arguing and "accusing").
The main problem was that he says something that is thoughtlessly hurtful and sometimes I tell him about his behavior gently and sometimes I react. When I tell him about how I hurt from his statements, he shows no reaction, so I never know if he will repeat that behavior or not. When I react with an outburst (usually combined with other frustrations), he will say I need to calm down, end of story. At times, even during a simple conversation, he will start repeating that I should calm down. When I remind him of the sacrifices I made (professional and personal), he feels I am accusing him (I was indicating that I felt underappreciated when he made one of his "honest" comments in front of people).
He is European - one of those who need an even emotional ride.. even excited discussion of a topic unrelated to him can feel too much. Stubborn, over-sensitive when it comes to himself but not for the others and a fragile ego. But he is not malicious. Just thoughtless and tactless. (Please don't get me wrong.. he is a great guy and the perfect fit for me.. I just had not understood how fragile he was.)
Situation
He has removed our photos from his office (I saw that). He is traveling right now and will come to our home to pack his things when he returns. I am conflicted on whether to remove the photos and send him a message that I am agreeable with his decision of divorce so he does not feel pressured that I am still locked into our marriage. Or would that be too much for this emotional, hyper-sensitive guy who acts like a 7 year old mommy's boy. (Sorry, I am not trying to insult him but he does act like a spoiled brat and this give you guys a bit of an idea to his character. All the old ladies love him.)
He is now emailing almost daily about his everyday life when not swamped by work.. the kind of emails we would write when we were married (except for his signatures that have gone from loving to "best regards" or "all the best"). He had said that he would like to be friends and meet up for coffee/dinners in the future. He did remain friends with an ex-girlfriend until her husband put a stop to it (my husband and I do have platonic friendships with the opposite genders and have complete trust in each other, so neither of us minds). He asks me if I am making sure to meet with people and not be alone. He has also said that this is very painful for him. And he keeps repeating that he "knows what is best for him and that is to divorce". Guys, what is going through a man's mind in this type of situation? An emotional guy who like to pretend to be stoic? And how do I respond to these daily emails? What would make someone like him start regretting the divorce - silence from me or com pliance on email/communication? What message is sent by each behavior to a guy?
Folks, I love this guy in a very real way and I am told by friends that he is hurting right now. He told one that he has built up walls and even if we were to reconcile, he would not know how to overcome those walls (I think a coach can help but he won't even consider that option right now). And he is now starting to tell his family and friends now.. but he is telling some that we agreed to this divorce (I did not agree at all).
And he has an equally emotional, oversensitive (also somewhat cynical and disrespectful of women) buddy who might be encouraging him in the divorce situation.
Put the internet to work for you.
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