Not looking for advice, just wondering the mindset behind my stepson's biological fathers lack of interest, and how common it is.
Quick background - my wife has 2 kids from previous relationships. One "accidental", when she was in her early 20's (the one I'm inquiring about), and the other planned while with her ex husband. Stepson "A" is in his mid-teens, and very together and a generally good kid. Stepson "B" is 9, and is like a hummingbird, full of energy, and lots of fun to be around.
My wife became pregnant after dating this guy for a couple of months in her early 20's, and straightened right up as a result, not that she was a party girl or anything, but typical girl that age. She had always worked and held a steady job by that time in the industry she's still in. She's always had that part of her life together, and has never not worked. When she found out she was pregnant, she cut out the partying and drinking and started to prepare for her new life. Her boyfriend at the time did not, even though he was given many chances to do so.
In the end, by the time she had her son, she made the decision that she wanted nothing to do with him, as he was too interested in smoking pot and he couldn't keep a job. The right decision, as far as all were concerned.
He half-heartedly made an effort to be in his son's life for a few months afterwards, including the two of them sitting down with a mediator to discuss his role. In the end, she received full custody (as was expected) and he was allowed visitation rights, provided somebody else was present. He also requested a paternity test, which insulted her to no end, and she never went through with it, out of pride. Within a few months of her sons birth, he had all but disappeared, and she was fine with that.
She raised him on her own for the next 4 years or so before she met her ex husband. They had one son together, then split up when he was 2, so she was now left with 2 children on her own (though the ex husband shared custody, happily and still does).
Fast forward another year, and she and I met (well, reconnected. Long story, we dated in high school for 3 years, each others firsts).
The very month we started seeing each other, her older son (then 8) started asking about his biological father). She very half-heartedly looked him up, hoping that she wouldn't find him, but did want to make at least a small effort for her son. As luck would have it, one message to a former mutual friend, and she found him, so she was, as she put it "kind of stuck". So they met at a coffee shop, and things went from there.
He had just joined the military (at the age of 29 or 30) and she figured out that he hadn't changed a bit in the 8 years since her son was born, until then. He had literally just cleaned himself up and "grown up" as it were. Talk about timing...
He asked for a paternity test again, she was insulted of course, but acquiesced, and of course it came back positive. Problem was, he was due to move to another city for basic training to start his career soon after.
So he kept in touch with his son for the next couple of years while he was away, and when he came back home on leave a couple of times a year, would spend a day with him here and there.
He was posted much closer to home about 3 years ago, about an hour's drive from us.
Now here's the thing - since he's been closer to his son in terms of physical distance, he still only sees him two or three times a year, and calls him maybe once a year in between. As his family is still in this city, he's definitely here more often than that. Visits with his son are basically kept to xmas, thanksgiving and usually his birthday in the summer. Almost no contact the rest of the year.
I am curious as to why this is. Frankly, my wife and I are OKAY with that, as neither of us like him that much. She, for obvious reasons, me because I just don't like him. He rubs me the wrong way, and we both agree that he's "creepy". I get along just fine with her ex husband, so it's not a case of jealousy or anything on my part. This guy is just... different. We both find he stares at my wife a little too long sometimes, and he's very awkward socially as well. There's just something not quite right about him, and neither of us can put a finger on it, so we're quite happy with the minimal contact.
My stepson also refers to me as dad, and there's no conflict between how he sees me and his bio dad. He also seems quite fine with only seeing him twice a year (we have spoken to him about it, and he's not at all sad or upset about it).
The thing is, the two or three times a year he shows up, they seem to have a great time, both of them. When he drops him back off here, his bio dad tells him he loves him, gives him a long hug, the whole nine yards.
We've both spoken to him privately and told him he's more than welcome to call anytime and/or spend more time with his kid, but he doesn't ever do so.
So I guess I do have a question. He clearly loves his son, enjoys time spent with him, yet continues to see him only twice a year, and usually at short notice. He rarely, if ever, calls him to see how he's doing. He doesn't email, he's not on Facebook, etc. He lives and works an hour away, and is often in our city for his own family. We don't get it.
My theory, which is probably "out there", is that perhaps he was hoping he would get back together with her and be a family. At the time my wife contacted him, we had JUST started dating, and he had JUST started to get his life on track. I don't think he was aware of me for the first few months. He's very awkward around her, and we both notice him looking at her a little too long sometimes. Maybe he's remorseful of the way he treated her back then and wishes he handled it differently.
For all intents and purposes, my wife says he WAS a nice guy, treated her well, all that, but he just wasn't ready for a family or to be a father back then, which was clear, and that she absolutely made the right decision by getting him out of their lives.
But it's weird. If I was in his shoes, I'd be seeing my kid as often as I could.
Quick background - my wife has 2 kids from previous relationships. One "accidental", when she was in her early 20's (the one I'm inquiring about), and the other planned while with her ex husband. Stepson "A" is in his mid-teens, and very together and a generally good kid. Stepson "B" is 9, and is like a hummingbird, full of energy, and lots of fun to be around.
My wife became pregnant after dating this guy for a couple of months in her early 20's, and straightened right up as a result, not that she was a party girl or anything, but typical girl that age. She had always worked and held a steady job by that time in the industry she's still in. She's always had that part of her life together, and has never not worked. When she found out she was pregnant, she cut out the partying and drinking and started to prepare for her new life. Her boyfriend at the time did not, even though he was given many chances to do so.
In the end, by the time she had her son, she made the decision that she wanted nothing to do with him, as he was too interested in smoking pot and he couldn't keep a job. The right decision, as far as all were concerned.
He half-heartedly made an effort to be in his son's life for a few months afterwards, including the two of them sitting down with a mediator to discuss his role. In the end, she received full custody (as was expected) and he was allowed visitation rights, provided somebody else was present. He also requested a paternity test, which insulted her to no end, and she never went through with it, out of pride. Within a few months of her sons birth, he had all but disappeared, and she was fine with that.
She raised him on her own for the next 4 years or so before she met her ex husband. They had one son together, then split up when he was 2, so she was now left with 2 children on her own (though the ex husband shared custody, happily and still does).
Fast forward another year, and she and I met (well, reconnected. Long story, we dated in high school for 3 years, each others firsts).
The very month we started seeing each other, her older son (then 8) started asking about his biological father). She very half-heartedly looked him up, hoping that she wouldn't find him, but did want to make at least a small effort for her son. As luck would have it, one message to a former mutual friend, and she found him, so she was, as she put it "kind of stuck". So they met at a coffee shop, and things went from there.
He had just joined the military (at the age of 29 or 30) and she figured out that he hadn't changed a bit in the 8 years since her son was born, until then. He had literally just cleaned himself up and "grown up" as it were. Talk about timing...
He asked for a paternity test again, she was insulted of course, but acquiesced, and of course it came back positive. Problem was, he was due to move to another city for basic training to start his career soon after.
So he kept in touch with his son for the next couple of years while he was away, and when he came back home on leave a couple of times a year, would spend a day with him here and there.
He was posted much closer to home about 3 years ago, about an hour's drive from us.
Now here's the thing - since he's been closer to his son in terms of physical distance, he still only sees him two or three times a year, and calls him maybe once a year in between. As his family is still in this city, he's definitely here more often than that. Visits with his son are basically kept to xmas, thanksgiving and usually his birthday in the summer. Almost no contact the rest of the year.
I am curious as to why this is. Frankly, my wife and I are OKAY with that, as neither of us like him that much. She, for obvious reasons, me because I just don't like him. He rubs me the wrong way, and we both agree that he's "creepy". I get along just fine with her ex husband, so it's not a case of jealousy or anything on my part. This guy is just... different. We both find he stares at my wife a little too long sometimes, and he's very awkward socially as well. There's just something not quite right about him, and neither of us can put a finger on it, so we're quite happy with the minimal contact.
My stepson also refers to me as dad, and there's no conflict between how he sees me and his bio dad. He also seems quite fine with only seeing him twice a year (we have spoken to him about it, and he's not at all sad or upset about it).
The thing is, the two or three times a year he shows up, they seem to have a great time, both of them. When he drops him back off here, his bio dad tells him he loves him, gives him a long hug, the whole nine yards.
We've both spoken to him privately and told him he's more than welcome to call anytime and/or spend more time with his kid, but he doesn't ever do so.
So I guess I do have a question. He clearly loves his son, enjoys time spent with him, yet continues to see him only twice a year, and usually at short notice. He rarely, if ever, calls him to see how he's doing. He doesn't email, he's not on Facebook, etc. He lives and works an hour away, and is often in our city for his own family. We don't get it.
My theory, which is probably "out there", is that perhaps he was hoping he would get back together with her and be a family. At the time my wife contacted him, we had JUST started dating, and he had JUST started to get his life on track. I don't think he was aware of me for the first few months. He's very awkward around her, and we both notice him looking at her a little too long sometimes. Maybe he's remorseful of the way he treated her back then and wishes he handled it differently.
For all intents and purposes, my wife says he WAS a nice guy, treated her well, all that, but he just wasn't ready for a family or to be a father back then, which was clear, and that she absolutely made the right decision by getting him out of their lives.
But it's weird. If I was in his shoes, I'd be seeing my kid as often as I could.
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