Dealing with the consequences

A short synopsis. I got married at 20, my spouse is a bit older than me. We have been through many ups and downs. We were part of a fundamentalist christian sect that encourages getting married young. We eventually left that lifestyle (after much turmoil). I thought things would get better, but she has suffered from anxiety, possibly ocpd (very mean regarding household chores, ect, which i always have helped out with 50/50). I basically have spent the past 7 or so hoping she would get better, to no avail. Everything was "my fault", I have been blamed for everything she never could accomplish. After our fist child things seemed ok, but then deteriorated completely. She withheld affection for years. Very moody, but also needy. She started pushing for a second child, was not interested in my opinion at all (i was starting to think we shouldn't, given how much anxiety she has). Anyway, she went off birth control because she "hates going to the doctor". She then began to refuse any sort of intimacy that wasn't intercourse, saying it was "yucky". During one (failed) attempt at sex (failed as long as the pleasure is concerned), she ended up getting pregnant. At that point in time I was really low, and just begging for attention. I figured "she always gets what she wants, so if she ends up getting pregnant, whatever). Anyway, I have always been a laid back person. But after nearly 10 years taking the brunt of her abuses and passive aggressive mind games I feel totally emotionally drained. I feel sorry for this woman, and for many years i truly loved her. As deep as I search I cannot find myself having any love for her. I just think she has hurt me too much. And now I have two children with her. My oldest will be 5 this year. I feel so terrible. I hate the thought of disturbing his life. My wife knows how I feel about her, and is now desperate for me to turn around. She has stopped being so verbally abusive, and doesn't let the anxiety in nearly as much. But she is still very needy. The bottom line with her is that I really don't care if she gets better at this point. She has seen three therapists within the last year, but only makes it past 2 appointments or so. She thinks she can do everything on her own. I'm just worried about the 5 year old. That's all I really care about. Again, I feel awful. Deep down years ago I knew I was unhappy with her and the way she acted. But I was laid back, let things slide, gave her all kinds of excuses. But after so many missed opportunities, it's just so hard not to get angry about spending my 20s with a person that refuses to do things for themselves. Anyway, if anybody has a similar experience, especially in regards to how you took care of your kids through it all, I'd like to hear about it. Thanks.

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