empowering myself to be me

New thread. It's been six months since my H left me and I have finally accepted, truly accepted that he is not coming back. I accept our marriage is over. Getting to this point hasn't been easy. I've dragged my heels plenty of times. I've let go of my H and then grabbed onto him again. Metaphorically of course. Have not seen him in six months. I still believe him to be in Mid life crisis. And from what I know and what I've read, he is on his own journey and I need to let him go. My learning has been slow. I have refused to accept the obvious, time and time again. But I am here now, peaceful and calm and accepting. I need to heal me. I keep falling backwards, falling into the victim chair, but I am done looking back and I really hope I don't fall backwards again but I know if I do the TAM warriors will do what they do best and swing a good bit of lumber at me to wake me up as and when required. I am still a bit weak and need to build myself up emotionally. (also physically!) My last action on my previous thread was to sabotage myself and I triggered for two days. No more of that, EVER! I need to be my best advocate. Was that a good choice? no! Its time to become the me I want to be. Its time to be authentic and real to myself. I still know evenings are tough for me so I am scheduling up every evening till the end of time. Yesterday I went to a meetup. It was fab, had a great time. Tonight I have yoga. Tomorrow a wicca meetup. Saturday I have either a house warming or another meetup with the same group I went out with yesterday. The saturday meetup is basically bars, drinking and dancing. They're super nice people and I felt so great coming home yesterday so I am leaning to that. Maybe I can do both! Unfortunately no drinks for me at either event as I have to drive home. But I'm cool with that, and as I wrote in my last thread, it's nice to be out with people who do n't care if you're drinking or not. My H used to always pressure me to drink, I know now that was to make himself feel better about drinking too much. I wouldn't say he was an alchoholic but he definitely self-medicates. Anyway that's in the past. For real this time. My marriage is over. I accept that now. Still no therapy from the NHS, but I'm starting to read more self-help type books now. I'm currently reading and loving 'This is not the story you think it is'. It was recommended by a MLC forum I occasionally visit (but TAM, you will always be my first love!!!) Not even first chapter in and the author is writing about choosing to not suffer. Wow. I've read alot of self-help books in my time, eventually gave it up when I realised nothing in my life changed. Nothing wrong with the books I read, it was me. Fear has been my companion for all my life. Lack of confidence, low self-esteem; these two has also been there. And I've been depressed for probably years, tho the last six months tipped me over the edge. I've been suicidal much of the time too. I hope by taking more positive action, I can move forward now. Today I choose life. Isn't everything down to choice? I have a blog too and am using that more often now. I am rejoining my poetry group and have booked to see my personal trainer tomorrow. Ok, I am still broke. No job, home insecure. I have more determination now to deal with all these issues. I am dedicating myself to bettering my life in every possible way. I'm the hero in my story. I also need to be a warrior and learn to fight my corner.

Put the internet to work for you. via Personal Recipe 2629979