This is my first post, so I will try to be brief and to the point. I appreciate your honesty and thoughts 😊
I have been married about 15 years. In the first few years inbetween the wonderful moments, there was alot of walking on eggshells, controlling behaviour and sometimes violence to me or the kids (when he crossed the line into what can't be considered accidental, I made sure he would never touch them again). After I set this boundary which was terrifying for me, other violence occasionally occurred (intimate violence). He tried to make me believe I had dreamed it or that I was actively partaking etc when that was not at all true and there was much manipulation. Anyway, I asked him to leave after he didn't follow through on getting help and during our 18 mth separation he went to a mens behaviour change program but seemed to try to counsel others, rather than recognising his own failings. Many thongs improved after the separation but he was still jealous of the kids and in the 7 years since, I have only experienced the intimate violence twice, but have had mothers day etc forgotton after he called his mum, lots of thoughtless things. To be fair, there are many thoughtful things too. Here's my problem, I have developed an aversion to being with him and since the last attack that he lied to me about two years ago, I simply can't trust him. I see strange behaviours that lead me to consider he may be having an affair, but he says he is not, and he chooses to work away, leaving me to effectively be a single parent 80% of the Time and then disengages or tries to take control when he's here. Gee, it's hard to explain it properly. How do I move past the assaults and learn to trust again? He is really trying hard, but then he slips back into the pattern and I pull him up but I'm tired of having to. Things like him not putting on protection when we agreed to and having an' accident' leave me on edge and bring up old pain. Our kids have specifically asked me (unprompted) not to leave them alone with him as he gets agro. Any thoughts? Can we move forward or has there just been too much over too long?
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I have been married about 15 years. In the first few years inbetween the wonderful moments, there was alot of walking on eggshells, controlling behaviour and sometimes violence to me or the kids (when he crossed the line into what can't be considered accidental, I made sure he would never touch them again). After I set this boundary which was terrifying for me, other violence occasionally occurred (intimate violence). He tried to make me believe I had dreamed it or that I was actively partaking etc when that was not at all true and there was much manipulation. Anyway, I asked him to leave after he didn't follow through on getting help and during our 18 mth separation he went to a mens behaviour change program but seemed to try to counsel others, rather than recognising his own failings. Many thongs improved after the separation but he was still jealous of the kids and in the 7 years since, I have only experienced the intimate violence twice, but have had mothers day etc forgotton after he called his mum, lots of thoughtless things. To be fair, there are many thoughtful things too. Here's my problem, I have developed an aversion to being with him and since the last attack that he lied to me about two years ago, I simply can't trust him. I see strange behaviours that lead me to consider he may be having an affair, but he says he is not, and he chooses to work away, leaving me to effectively be a single parent 80% of the Time and then disengages or tries to take control when he's here. Gee, it's hard to explain it properly. How do I move past the assaults and learn to trust again? He is really trying hard, but then he slips back into the pattern and I pull him up but I'm tired of having to. Things like him not putting on protection when we agreed to and having an' accident' leave me on edge and bring up old pain. Our kids have specifically asked me (unprompted) not to leave them alone with him as he gets agro. Any thoughts? Can we move forward or has there just been too much over too long?
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