I posted here last fall. As a quick review my wife started an affair with an old high school "connection" in fall 2010. Our marriage wasn't perfect but overall it was decent. At that point we had been married 16 years. I found out by accident about 2 months after it started. Her behavior changed radically, I could tell she was hiding something. Anyway, I nice guyed my way through it after initial discovery, gave her multiple chances and kept busting her for being in communication with the OM. I don't know If sex happened but it's irrelevant, it was deeply emotional. I saw emails so full of emotion and "need to be with you" that it ripped my heart wide open. Worst part was my wife turned away and basically gave me the cold shoulder. She did a great job of blame shifting, gaslighting, etc., and being a nice guy I fell for it. I was in limbo for a long time. Didn't want to bust up our marriage, we have 2 daughters. I never gave her consequences for those actions. That ate me up inside for a long time.
Last fall I FINALLY called the OM's long time GF, they have 3 kids together. She knew about it on some levels and also shared with me that this guy had an extensive history of affairs. My wife finding out about this made her feel great as I am sure you could guess. I also found out she was still emailing with him, of course she said it was benign. After my phone call the OM cheated on his long time GF(and mother of his children) in front of the GF! She finally kicked him out. This says a lot - my wife blamed me for wrecking OM's relationship. Talk about blame shifting. I told her after the holidays we are divorcing, she was in agreement. After the holidays she acted surprised I still wanted to divorce. She didn't want to dismantle the family, yada yada.
Cut to the chase. We are still married. It was just over a year ago that I really found out about affairs, how they work, going underground, how you shouldn't try to nice someone out of an affair, etc. I did a lot of work on myself and have come a long way. In the grand scheme of my life I am happy except for my marriage.
My wife has been depressed for at least 5 years, probably closer to 10 but it's definitely been worse since the affair 4 years ago. Both of my daughters have commented numerous times on it, asking me about mid-life crisis, etc. She won't do anything to try to make herself happier. She won't go to therapy, take anti-depressants, etc. She keeps spinning the wheel over and over. That's how she's built, she'd rather stay unhappy than do something different.
I have realized over this long holiday weekend when I spent extensive time with myself and my 2 daughters and minimal time with my wife around that I actually prefer it to her being around. I am more relaxed and have more fun engaged in life when she is not around. She places a lot of blame for her unhappiness on me because it's easier than looking insider herself and making any changes. She has always been pretty closed off emotionally and over the course of the last 5 years plus this has become even more so. She is unhappy more than she is happy.
Anyway, I know this has been a long rant. I welcome any thoughts, suggestions, face slaps, etc. I have broken much of my nice guy mold over the past year, I know I have a ways to go. It's a work in progress. I don't let her blame me for her unhappiness, I have established boundries in such areas of this(I remove myself when she starts down this path), etc. We fight more since I stand up to her. I feel she would be fine with us doing our own thing. I realized recently how all the areas of her life that she says are bad - her job, her marriage, her relationships with several of her friends, her health, has a common denominator - Her.
Due to the affair I realize how much I miss being with someone who ENGAGES in life, shares themselves emotionally, and at the end of the day wants to put equal effort into a great relationship. This one feels very one-sided to me. Any MC or any attempts to work on our marriage have been initiated by me. I know I rug swept the affair for several years before really facing it. I know trust as we knew it is gone. I look at staying in this marriage as is and it just depresses me. Maybe the years of false R doomed it. IDK.
Thanks in advance. If this sounds too much like a victim puke let me know. Not my intent but I could see where it might. I feel like I am looking over and over for a reason to end it.
Last fall I FINALLY called the OM's long time GF, they have 3 kids together. She knew about it on some levels and also shared with me that this guy had an extensive history of affairs. My wife finding out about this made her feel great as I am sure you could guess. I also found out she was still emailing with him, of course she said it was benign. After my phone call the OM cheated on his long time GF(and mother of his children) in front of the GF! She finally kicked him out. This says a lot - my wife blamed me for wrecking OM's relationship. Talk about blame shifting. I told her after the holidays we are divorcing, she was in agreement. After the holidays she acted surprised I still wanted to divorce. She didn't want to dismantle the family, yada yada.
Cut to the chase. We are still married. It was just over a year ago that I really found out about affairs, how they work, going underground, how you shouldn't try to nice someone out of an affair, etc. I did a lot of work on myself and have come a long way. In the grand scheme of my life I am happy except for my marriage.
My wife has been depressed for at least 5 years, probably closer to 10 but it's definitely been worse since the affair 4 years ago. Both of my daughters have commented numerous times on it, asking me about mid-life crisis, etc. She won't do anything to try to make herself happier. She won't go to therapy, take anti-depressants, etc. She keeps spinning the wheel over and over. That's how she's built, she'd rather stay unhappy than do something different.
I have realized over this long holiday weekend when I spent extensive time with myself and my 2 daughters and minimal time with my wife around that I actually prefer it to her being around. I am more relaxed and have more fun engaged in life when she is not around. She places a lot of blame for her unhappiness on me because it's easier than looking insider herself and making any changes. She has always been pretty closed off emotionally and over the course of the last 5 years plus this has become even more so. She is unhappy more than she is happy.
Anyway, I know this has been a long rant. I welcome any thoughts, suggestions, face slaps, etc. I have broken much of my nice guy mold over the past year, I know I have a ways to go. It's a work in progress. I don't let her blame me for her unhappiness, I have established boundries in such areas of this(I remove myself when she starts down this path), etc. We fight more since I stand up to her. I feel she would be fine with us doing our own thing. I realized recently how all the areas of her life that she says are bad - her job, her marriage, her relationships with several of her friends, her health, has a common denominator - Her.
Due to the affair I realize how much I miss being with someone who ENGAGES in life, shares themselves emotionally, and at the end of the day wants to put equal effort into a great relationship. This one feels very one-sided to me. Any MC or any attempts to work on our marriage have been initiated by me. I know I rug swept the affair for several years before really facing it. I know trust as we knew it is gone. I look at staying in this marriage as is and it just depresses me. Maybe the years of false R doomed it. IDK.
Thanks in advance. If this sounds too much like a victim puke let me know. Not my intent but I could see where it might. I feel like I am looking over and over for a reason to end it.
Put the internet to work for you.
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