I have been with my common-law husband for 6 years now, living together for just over 1.5 years. I love him very much and we are generally well connected emotionally and continue to have a great sex-life.
The down-side is that he can be controlling, combative over minor issues, unduly defensive when criticized, fights dirty, and can be impossible to deal with in conflict situations where I am trying to get him to acknowledge a wrong doing.
I just came back from a canoe/camping trip with another couple where all of his worst traits came out (along with his best). It is a group setting, but he always wants to do things HIS way and was often somewhat rude in reacting against offers of help or suggestions to do things differently. It was the "DH show." Granted, it's a good show and he knows what he's doing, and is very efficient (typical ENTJ for those familiar with Myers Briggs) and happy to do a lot for others. However, it can be very alienating to other people.
I tried to mediate among the group several times. For example, I would tell him to "allow" one of our friends to handle the preparation of a portion of a meal, as a conflict-avoidance strategy. He is unable to let go of even that entirely, and will be offering suggestions, taking over, wherever he sees "inefficiencies."
I was pretty embarrassed and annoyed, and this is where the second part comes in. When I try to gently and kindly explain how he may be unintentionally offending others, he has what I can only describe as a mini-tantrum. He gets upset, focuses on the perceived "inefficiencies" of others, refusing to acknowledge his errors. For example, when I told him he was coming across as rude/inconsiderate - he said the other people were just "wimps." Because he's getting upset, and I am trying to minimize the conflict (keep it private) my attention is directed toward calming him down, making him feel better rather than having him address the issue I want addressed.
Now, this may seem fairly minor but he does similar things ALL the time. In our own home, the 'control' and 'efficiency' issues are moderated because we've come to an understanding where he does 85% of the chores (I work a lot more than he does) and I just stay out of his way.
But I am mortified when his control issues are manifested among friends. I wonder what they think. Do I owe them an apology on his behalf? Do they wonder how I can put up with this?
In addition, I HATE the way he deals with conflict and the mini-tantrums he throws whenever I raise an issue. I am not one to YELL and I generally try to calmly and gently reason through things - which then focuses the argument on his needs and not on mine. The only time he clues in is when I CRY . . . and I don't want to have to resort to tears to be heard. Why can't we just work things out like adults?
Finally, I hate that our dynamic reminds me of my mum and dad. My mum was always angry about something and NEVER took criticism well. She used anger as a tool to shut down any conversation that would challenge her or question her actions. I once asked my dad why he didn't talk to my mum about her behaviour and he said, it was because there was "no communication in their marriage" because she shut down opportunities for dialogue with angry outbursts.
Now I worry that I am in the same situation. I know my hubby loves me incredibly and he says I am all he has. BUT I worry that I am becoming afraid of talking to him openly about things he does that upset me because I fear his over-the-top reaction. I also worry that I am going to start resenting him.
Please give me my advice and I am soo sorry this post is so long.
The down-side is that he can be controlling, combative over minor issues, unduly defensive when criticized, fights dirty, and can be impossible to deal with in conflict situations where I am trying to get him to acknowledge a wrong doing.
I just came back from a canoe/camping trip with another couple where all of his worst traits came out (along with his best). It is a group setting, but he always wants to do things HIS way and was often somewhat rude in reacting against offers of help or suggestions to do things differently. It was the "DH show." Granted, it's a good show and he knows what he's doing, and is very efficient (typical ENTJ for those familiar with Myers Briggs) and happy to do a lot for others. However, it can be very alienating to other people.
I tried to mediate among the group several times. For example, I would tell him to "allow" one of our friends to handle the preparation of a portion of a meal, as a conflict-avoidance strategy. He is unable to let go of even that entirely, and will be offering suggestions, taking over, wherever he sees "inefficiencies."
I was pretty embarrassed and annoyed, and this is where the second part comes in. When I try to gently and kindly explain how he may be unintentionally offending others, he has what I can only describe as a mini-tantrum. He gets upset, focuses on the perceived "inefficiencies" of others, refusing to acknowledge his errors. For example, when I told him he was coming across as rude/inconsiderate - he said the other people were just "wimps." Because he's getting upset, and I am trying to minimize the conflict (keep it private) my attention is directed toward calming him down, making him feel better rather than having him address the issue I want addressed.
Now, this may seem fairly minor but he does similar things ALL the time. In our own home, the 'control' and 'efficiency' issues are moderated because we've come to an understanding where he does 85% of the chores (I work a lot more than he does) and I just stay out of his way.
But I am mortified when his control issues are manifested among friends. I wonder what they think. Do I owe them an apology on his behalf? Do they wonder how I can put up with this?
In addition, I HATE the way he deals with conflict and the mini-tantrums he throws whenever I raise an issue. I am not one to YELL and I generally try to calmly and gently reason through things - which then focuses the argument on his needs and not on mine. The only time he clues in is when I CRY . . . and I don't want to have to resort to tears to be heard. Why can't we just work things out like adults?
Finally, I hate that our dynamic reminds me of my mum and dad. My mum was always angry about something and NEVER took criticism well. She used anger as a tool to shut down any conversation that would challenge her or question her actions. I once asked my dad why he didn't talk to my mum about her behaviour and he said, it was because there was "no communication in their marriage" because she shut down opportunities for dialogue with angry outbursts.
Now I worry that I am in the same situation. I know my hubby loves me incredibly and he says I am all he has. BUT I worry that I am becoming afraid of talking to him openly about things he does that upset me because I fear his over-the-top reaction. I also worry that I am going to start resenting him.
Please give me my advice and I am soo sorry this post is so long.
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