My ex and I work for the same company. We actually met there and for a while worked in the same office in the suburb of a large city. About 4 years ago, while we were still married, my business unit decided to move my part of the business from the suburbs of a major metro area into the city proper. At the time we were still married and my ex's job was going to move as well. At the time we had a 25 minute commute to our suburban office, and the move to the city would make it about 1 hour, 25 minutes. As a family we looked at homes closer to the city but we ex could not give up a newly built home with a good sized yard to move into something that was nice but older, smaller, etc. She decided she was not moving and would find a job in the part of the business that was staying in the suburbs. We both agreed it was not wise for us to both be an hour and a half away from the kids in the event that there was an emergency, etc. She said that she would han dle all the domestic stuff related to the kids during the work day because I'd be geographically unavailable due to the commute. She knew and agreed at that time that she'd potentially be giving up career opportunities but wanted to make that choice.
She did find a job in our company in the suburbs and for about 9 months it worked well for us. I left the house at 5:45 or 6 every day and got home at 6 or so every evening. It sucked for me but I felt it was something I had to do for my family. If you do the math to get home at 6 I had to leave the office at 4:30, which for my office made me look like someone doing the bare minimum. I felt guilty about it but I wanted to be with my kids for a little while before they went to bed at 8 or 8:30.
Anyway, 9 months or so into this arrangement my ex decided she needed to move into a more challenging role in her current business unit in the suburbs. She went from working 8-4 to working 8-6:30 or later. Most nights I got home before her and ended up doing more of the monday - friday child care than her and our nanny was working 50+ hours per week. I deeply resented this and it in no small part contributed to the demise of our marriage. I felt like I was giving up part of my career to deal with my long commute, despite the fact that she is the one who decided we could not move to a location that would have been 30 minutes from both of our jobs because she needed to stay in our nicer, newer house that what was available in our price range in the communities we looked at.
We ended up breaking down and separating/divorcing a year or so into her new job. We are not 1.5 years into our divorce and I have 50% custody of our children. I think my ex agreed to that because she knows she capable of being a full time mom (as a kid her mom was/is an alcoholic and her dad not present the day to day chaos that being a parent to young kids is too much for her). On Friday she sent me an email saying she wanted to tell me one of her old colleagues who worked in the city in my office told her about a job opening and she was going to apply and hopefully get it. It caught me off guard and I was totally floored. I only replied it was her decision but I thought she'd hate the commute. She replied that there was no room for advancement in her current business unit so she had no choice but to move to the city, move to another state, or go international, and that she didn't think I'd agree to any of those (how magnanimous of her to think of me). She makes $120 k plus in her current job so she is not exactly hurting for dough and so in my mind, she certainly has the choice of staying in her existing job and earning very good money.
So my issue is that I really do not like her as a person, and I feel it would cause me a lot of stress to see her around my office everyday. I also think this puts the kids in a bad spot. If a child gets sick at school or something happens after school, neither of us could get there to pick them up within a reasonable amount of time. Our divorce agreement says we both have to agree to things that affect the kids and I sort of feel like this is one of them.
I'm not really sure what to do. I can tell her how I feel but I think she will not really care and might make her want to do this more. I can also try to demand we move to a closer town than where we both live so that both of us have reasonable commutes, but that does not really address the fact that I don't want to see her at work. I could also make an appeal to my manager as well as her potential new manager, based on the impact to the kids but I feel like that would be hugely detrimental to both of our careers. Or I can do nothing and let her make herself miserable once she has my ridiculous commute that she took for granted while we were still married, but that does not serve our kids at all even if it might make me feel better.
I'm really at a loss for what to do. She cheated on me while married with a co-worker and I think she was dating someone at her current office (post divorce) and that is partly motivating her desire to move offices. So I ask for your impartial advice. I am sick at this whole thing ...
She did find a job in our company in the suburbs and for about 9 months it worked well for us. I left the house at 5:45 or 6 every day and got home at 6 or so every evening. It sucked for me but I felt it was something I had to do for my family. If you do the math to get home at 6 I had to leave the office at 4:30, which for my office made me look like someone doing the bare minimum. I felt guilty about it but I wanted to be with my kids for a little while before they went to bed at 8 or 8:30.
Anyway, 9 months or so into this arrangement my ex decided she needed to move into a more challenging role in her current business unit in the suburbs. She went from working 8-4 to working 8-6:30 or later. Most nights I got home before her and ended up doing more of the monday - friday child care than her and our nanny was working 50+ hours per week. I deeply resented this and it in no small part contributed to the demise of our marriage. I felt like I was giving up part of my career to deal with my long commute, despite the fact that she is the one who decided we could not move to a location that would have been 30 minutes from both of our jobs because she needed to stay in our nicer, newer house that what was available in our price range in the communities we looked at.
We ended up breaking down and separating/divorcing a year or so into her new job. We are not 1.5 years into our divorce and I have 50% custody of our children. I think my ex agreed to that because she knows she capable of being a full time mom (as a kid her mom was/is an alcoholic and her dad not present the day to day chaos that being a parent to young kids is too much for her). On Friday she sent me an email saying she wanted to tell me one of her old colleagues who worked in the city in my office told her about a job opening and she was going to apply and hopefully get it. It caught me off guard and I was totally floored. I only replied it was her decision but I thought she'd hate the commute. She replied that there was no room for advancement in her current business unit so she had no choice but to move to the city, move to another state, or go international, and that she didn't think I'd agree to any of those (how magnanimous of her to think of me). She makes $120 k plus in her current job so she is not exactly hurting for dough and so in my mind, she certainly has the choice of staying in her existing job and earning very good money.
So my issue is that I really do not like her as a person, and I feel it would cause me a lot of stress to see her around my office everyday. I also think this puts the kids in a bad spot. If a child gets sick at school or something happens after school, neither of us could get there to pick them up within a reasonable amount of time. Our divorce agreement says we both have to agree to things that affect the kids and I sort of feel like this is one of them.
I'm not really sure what to do. I can tell her how I feel but I think she will not really care and might make her want to do this more. I can also try to demand we move to a closer town than where we both live so that both of us have reasonable commutes, but that does not really address the fact that I don't want to see her at work. I could also make an appeal to my manager as well as her potential new manager, based on the impact to the kids but I feel like that would be hugely detrimental to both of our careers. Or I can do nothing and let her make herself miserable once she has my ridiculous commute that she took for granted while we were still married, but that does not serve our kids at all even if it might make me feel better.
I'm really at a loss for what to do. She cheated on me while married with a co-worker and I think she was dating someone at her current office (post divorce) and that is partly motivating her desire to move offices. So I ask for your impartial advice. I am sick at this whole thing ...
Put the internet to work for you.
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