Married 12 years 2 kids daughter 11 son 7. Married early at 18. Both of us busted our ass to make it through college she as a nurse and I as a teacher and then busted our ass to make it as professionals and parents but never worked on each other or our marraige. She started bringing it up 2 years ago that she wasn't happy and I didn't understand. I thought we had made it, we were successful have a nice house beautiful kids and pay the bills. She never made an effort emotionally so I thought everything was fine. Turns out she was just closed off.
She was acting ill on dec 2nd and I asked her if she didn't love me and she said no and that she wanted a divorce. I became defensive again said we had no reason to be unhappy and all she could say was that I never help out and that this wasn't a partner ship. Naturally I told her I didn't understand but I wanted to remain married and I'd make whatever changes she wanted me to. The next morning and next day I did all the wrong things pursued her texted her 2 or 3 times quoted songs told her we could do she could have whatever she had been asking for.
But I also started reading some things mostly googled how to win your wife back and some other stuff and began to get a grasp for where I failed her emotionally in the marraige and began to own my role and take responsibility for my part. Over the next few days I communicated that I was beginning to understand where she was coming from, empathized with her feelings, and tried to do some 180's and show that I was willing to change.
A week went by and she told me that she could tell I was trying but didn't know if she could come back from where she was and felt like she needed to talk to an attorney and that maybe some space would be what we needed. She talked to a lawyer but didn't file papers and we agreed on some space after some what of an argument. I told her that if she wanted space that she should leave, after all I wanted us to be a family and the kids wanted us to be a family it wasn't fair for me to be the one to leave. She replied that she was not leaving her kids. I shared the same sentiment and told her that if I backed off that the kids would go with me part of the time and she agreed to that.
We talked to the kids and she told them she was unhappy and that we needed some space to figure things out. That night I left and she agreed for the kids to go with me. I've been out of the house for a week she's initiated a lot of contact with me as far as the kids were concerned and family functions. I'm trying to do the basics get a life which is impossible 180's which help a lot because I finally understood they were for me and I'm trying to detach. I've come up with a million things to say and just shut my mouth.
She's got a crush on another guy weather she wants to admit it or not. I snooped her phone a few nights and found where she had been flirting some guy up. But it didn't look like he was real interested and never saw any indication where it had gotten serious yet.
I'm only giving her this space on the premise that we can still reconcile and that it may help. I am worried that she may be in fantasy land and just think she can move me out and keep everything the same. If it heads for divorce I'm prepared to ask for joint legal and physical custody and ask that I be the primary physical custodian based on my work hours and the fact that I teach in the same system as our children attend. She works 4-5 10 hour shifts a week an hour away and is not home to see the children before they go to bed 4-5 nights a week. She makes slightly more than I do so that eliminates alimony I've paid the last $20000 dollars worth of house bills and have always provided the health insurance so her ass could ride around in a new car. She will try and claim that she was the primary care taker but that has always been our grandparents (free child care)
We were married so young and so long there is very little distinction between my family and her family and as it stands now both sides are pleading for her to be reasonable and to give this marraige one last strong chance. But she's not talking to anyone about it like I said I snooped her phone didn't confide in anybody and no deleted messages except the new guys were always deleted the next day.
Right now I'm hoping for a slow down and a turn around in our marraige but I'm also preparing for the worst.
Talked to a lawyer and they said if she had not served me papers there was nothing to be done unless I wanted to draw some up. We talked hypothetically about the alimony, child support, custody issue. Pretty much I'm screwed with custody because it's an even tie considering most things and even though they say they don't make preferences the mother gets the nod when an adolescent female child is involved.
Should be no alimony and if I were to get primary physical custody she would actually have to pay me child support. But the lawyer said based on the way women have men by the nuts in marraige and divorce that I could ask for that kind of custody but not count on it even if it's a no fault divorce and she is the one who initiates it.
I texted the other mfer and explained that I knew she was emotionally attached to him and that I was trying to make things work between my wife and I. Not to threaten or anything because I figured it would be forwarded straight to her. I figured if he wasn't interested before he may get distant. Or hell it might backfire.
He sent me this long message back about appreciating the concern but I had the wrong idea about he and my wife, worked together along time ago blah blah confided in each other about personal stuff, wasn't intimate wasn't ever gonna be and that he wasn't my problem and from talking to my wife that he was sure that there wasn't another man.
But like I said I'm a school teacher I get lied to all the time.
I'd welcome advice and support but I mainly put this out there because reading other people's experiences has helped me cope a lot. Maybe some one else can relate here and receive some help one day.
She was acting ill on dec 2nd and I asked her if she didn't love me and she said no and that she wanted a divorce. I became defensive again said we had no reason to be unhappy and all she could say was that I never help out and that this wasn't a partner ship. Naturally I told her I didn't understand but I wanted to remain married and I'd make whatever changes she wanted me to. The next morning and next day I did all the wrong things pursued her texted her 2 or 3 times quoted songs told her we could do she could have whatever she had been asking for.
But I also started reading some things mostly googled how to win your wife back and some other stuff and began to get a grasp for where I failed her emotionally in the marraige and began to own my role and take responsibility for my part. Over the next few days I communicated that I was beginning to understand where she was coming from, empathized with her feelings, and tried to do some 180's and show that I was willing to change.
A week went by and she told me that she could tell I was trying but didn't know if she could come back from where she was and felt like she needed to talk to an attorney and that maybe some space would be what we needed. She talked to a lawyer but didn't file papers and we agreed on some space after some what of an argument. I told her that if she wanted space that she should leave, after all I wanted us to be a family and the kids wanted us to be a family it wasn't fair for me to be the one to leave. She replied that she was not leaving her kids. I shared the same sentiment and told her that if I backed off that the kids would go with me part of the time and she agreed to that.
We talked to the kids and she told them she was unhappy and that we needed some space to figure things out. That night I left and she agreed for the kids to go with me. I've been out of the house for a week she's initiated a lot of contact with me as far as the kids were concerned and family functions. I'm trying to do the basics get a life which is impossible 180's which help a lot because I finally understood they were for me and I'm trying to detach. I've come up with a million things to say and just shut my mouth.
She's got a crush on another guy weather she wants to admit it or not. I snooped her phone a few nights and found where she had been flirting some guy up. But it didn't look like he was real interested and never saw any indication where it had gotten serious yet.
I'm only giving her this space on the premise that we can still reconcile and that it may help. I am worried that she may be in fantasy land and just think she can move me out and keep everything the same. If it heads for divorce I'm prepared to ask for joint legal and physical custody and ask that I be the primary physical custodian based on my work hours and the fact that I teach in the same system as our children attend. She works 4-5 10 hour shifts a week an hour away and is not home to see the children before they go to bed 4-5 nights a week. She makes slightly more than I do so that eliminates alimony I've paid the last $20000 dollars worth of house bills and have always provided the health insurance so her ass could ride around in a new car. She will try and claim that she was the primary care taker but that has always been our grandparents (free child care)
We were married so young and so long there is very little distinction between my family and her family and as it stands now both sides are pleading for her to be reasonable and to give this marraige one last strong chance. But she's not talking to anyone about it like I said I snooped her phone didn't confide in anybody and no deleted messages except the new guys were always deleted the next day.
Right now I'm hoping for a slow down and a turn around in our marraige but I'm also preparing for the worst.
Talked to a lawyer and they said if she had not served me papers there was nothing to be done unless I wanted to draw some up. We talked hypothetically about the alimony, child support, custody issue. Pretty much I'm screwed with custody because it's an even tie considering most things and even though they say they don't make preferences the mother gets the nod when an adolescent female child is involved.
Should be no alimony and if I were to get primary physical custody she would actually have to pay me child support. But the lawyer said based on the way women have men by the nuts in marraige and divorce that I could ask for that kind of custody but not count on it even if it's a no fault divorce and she is the one who initiates it.
I texted the other mfer and explained that I knew she was emotionally attached to him and that I was trying to make things work between my wife and I. Not to threaten or anything because I figured it would be forwarded straight to her. I figured if he wasn't interested before he may get distant. Or hell it might backfire.
He sent me this long message back about appreciating the concern but I had the wrong idea about he and my wife, worked together along time ago blah blah confided in each other about personal stuff, wasn't intimate wasn't ever gonna be and that he wasn't my problem and from talking to my wife that he was sure that there wasn't another man.
But like I said I'm a school teacher I get lied to all the time.
I'd welcome advice and support but I mainly put this out there because reading other people's experiences has helped me cope a lot. Maybe some one else can relate here and receive some help one day.
Put the internet to work for you.
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