I wish I would have found this site a year ago. I've made so many mistakes during my life after my wife's EA. I think I've followed both the patterns of trying to 'nice' my way back into my wife's good graces and finally finding my self-respect and standing firm. I'm passed all of that now, but I seem to be locked into a bad place of resentment and indecision.
I guess I should start with some background. I've been married to my wife for 25 years. I was a single dad (son) at 24 when I met my wife who was a single mom (daughter) when she was 26. I can't say we ever had a burning love, even back then, but we enjoyed each other and seemed to have a lot of common interests. We were married, and seemed to be pretty happy for the first 10 years or so. Maybe I should say that I was happy, because there were warning signs of dysfunction now that I look back at it. Probably the biggest thing was our inability to work things out. It just seemed that no matter how many angles I approached something, she could never move even a little to my point of view. I remember an on-going argument over the fact that we couldn't spend more than I made at that time. We were constantly running a negative cash flow. She would hound me about taking vacations that we couldn't afford. It just seemed like I wasn't living with a partner, but with someone I could never satisfy.
Given those problems, we did everything together. Camping, biking, going to the kids sporting events, scouts, church. All the things I thought a marriage should be about. We basically ignored our issues since we could never work them out. Every once in a while, I would lose my temper and raise my voice to her. This happened very infrequently (a few times a year). It was usually when I got so frustrated over our inability to talk about things. She, on the other hand, would pick fights with me when she was in a bad mood. It seemed to me this was a bad habit she had picked up from her parents relationship.
I didn't like it, but I let it pass. A very bad habit now that I look back at things. Another big problem was her inability to forgive. After 20 years, we were still talking about the wrongs that happened 15 years ago. I have a few key friends that I enjoy spending time with. I am by no means a social person, but was very happy with the few friends that I have. She on the other hand, never seemed to have a great social network outside of our family. That changed about 5 years ago when she took up roller skating with a group of people that travel all around the country and area to different skating events. I tried to share this part of her life at the time but had back issues that really limited me. I was happy that she had found something to enjoy and people to be social with.
Many of the skater's have skating partners they travel with. Its basically ballroom dancing on skates. What started out as one night a week, moved to two nights and 'special skates' that seemed to be every other weekend or so. She always traveled with a guy that I met and trusted. He was married and seemed to be an average guy. I had put my foot down the week before and had told her she was becoming obsessed with skating. All of our weekends now how to be scheduled around skating. All she could think about was the next skate and getting ready for it. I felt like our marriage will slipping out of my hands and I couldn't stop it. I tried to talk with her about it, but of course she could never see my point of view.
I had finally gotten back surgery around this time, and she was very resentful that she finally had to do things around the house. I had gotten into a habit of doing most of the cooking and cleaning and anything else that needed done. It got so bad, she was unwilling to pick her newspapers off the floor that I might trip over. She was also disconnecting from my children's lives at this point. My son had to rely on me for most of his school help and scout events. I could never talk to her about any of this. She would just deny everything. All of the things that we used to enjoy, we no longer did. I was so blind to what was happening.
I never would have guessed in a million years that anything was going on until I looked at her email one night. The note read 'If we're caught, we're dead' …. . I confronted her with this and she admitted that she had lied about going to the mall the next day. She was going to meet the guy for a 'special skate' instead. This is after I had told her that she need to decide what is important to her. Me or skating. I think she could have told me anything and I would have believed her. I was so blind and stupid to what was going on. Things continued to slip away even more after she found facebook. All she wanted to do was be in our bedroom on facebook. I was living a lonely life and was confused and sad. This continued until one weekend when I finally relented and said she could go on an over-night skate to a different state. She was planning on sharing a house with two other women. She would leave after a major family party with both her family and mine. The party ran late, most of our families were there when they other guy showed up to leave for the over-night trip. I was shocked about this. I confronted her and she claims that she had told me all about it. I told her that there is no way it was okay with me for her to leave, but she ignored me and left anyway. I felt humiliated in front of both out families. I think this is what finally raised major 'red flags' to me. I think I briefly hit this site and saw a note about keyloggers.
I'm trying to make this short but 25 years is a long time. Anyway, I finally found out that she was flirting with this man basically all day through texts, and then all night when she was home up on facebook. They were setting times that they would meet on facebook. From what I gathered, this had been going on for almost a year. Nothing overtly sexual, but it was very flirty. I can't tell you how shocked and hurt I was. My life was completely shattered by this. I think it was all of the lies and lying that hurt me the most. I wanted to try and verify if it was only an EA (I didn't even know what that was at the time) or a PA, but he was going to pick her up the next day. I confronted her that I knew about the texting and all of the lies she had been telling. I told her I wanted her to break off all contact with the man and never see him again. She tried to deny everything. I think she told me they were 'Just Friends' about a million times. I remember doing a lot of crying and being a complete mess. How weak I was then. I basically told her it was 'Him' or 'Me'. I was 100% sure she would apologize, but she hesitated before she told me she wouldn't see him again. She didn't offer any excuses other than to tell me how horrible of a husband I was and how she wasn't attracted to me. This was a shock to me because she always has refused to talk with me about our issues. I agreed to let her skate as long as she wouldn't see the guy again.
This lasted one week. They just happened to meet at the 'next skate' a week later. I asked her and she admitted they happened by each other and spent most of the night together. I freaked out and told her to get the 'F' out of the house. She left and was sitting in the car ready to go when I had a panic attack about losing everything and went out crying and begging her to come back. She came back in and we tried to talk. She denied everything and continued to blame shift all of our problems to me.
I was mad at myself for being so weak. I got pissed the more I thought about this other guy still trying to see my wife while I was going through the most painful time of my life. I decided to get a little bit of my dignity back and confront the guy at work with the purpose of humiliating him in front of his co-workers. I'm not a violent man (I've been in 2 fights my entire life) but I was ready to go that day. He works at an auto body place and was with a client when I showed up. I walked in and made a huge screaming scene that eventually ended up in the parking lot. It never came to blows, but I had made my point. He called my wife that night and said he was giving up skating. It turns out that many of his co-workers knew his wife and he had to admit to at least some of what was going on. He quit facebook that same day, I know because his last post is that day.
We started MC and the wife admitted that she thought she loved him and wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me. Through MC, I learned that we had never really had a healthy marriage. She kept talking about my wife's lack of empathy and told me when I was alone one day that she believed my wife has a narcissist personality disorder and that I would never really be happy no matter what I did. She also said that I have co-dependent traits. After much reading, I can see the truth in that. My trust in my wife was shattered, so I continued keylogger. I eventually found a hidden email account where she was texting another skater guy with the same flirty comments. This time, she was also very negative about me. This all came out and I think it was what led to the 'Co-dependent' comment from the MC. I probably should have walked away then but I didn't. She was claiming that she felt like an 'addict' and needed another emotional fix. She claimed that she had decided to break it off, but didn't have a chance before I found the account. More pain and crying and pathetic weakness from me.
How do you give up on 25 years ? How do you give up on everything you have in life ? That was what was going through my mind when I walked by a wall of family photos and saw a picture of my son and wife at a fair a few years before. I just melted into a pile of hurt. I told her I would forgive her again if she would try to come back. (How I regret my weakness ….)
We continued MC with no real movement. I had learned about healthy marriages and was finally getting stronger and more confident about myself. I could see that I didn't really have anything unless I expected more. I wrote down a list if expectations (things like 'give and take', 'forgiveness', 'respect',communication' ….. I told my wife I was going to expect these things, or we should go our own ways.
That lasted a few days until she came into my room and told me she had never been attracted to me. She wanted a divorce. I was pretty much ready for this also at this point. I was sick of her not even trying. The talk of her being a narcissist had really changed my opinion also. She told our kids and her parents over the next few weeks but didn't get much sympathy. Many of her family told me how selfish she was being.
Long story short ( I know, too late) a few months later, she begs my forgiveness and asks to come back. I still had my contract from before and told her I would not even think about it unless she signs the paper and agrees to everything. She said she would and how she didn't really mean all of the horrible things she said to me.
Its now a few months after that and I feel …. Discouraged. We still don't talk about our issues. She still doesn't have any empathy about how I feel when she's leaving to go on skating or demanding open access to all social media. She still seems to care about herself first. Is she trying ? I think in her own way she is. I don't think she is cheating anymore, but what about the future ? I find myself living with someone I can't trust. I'm not sure If I love her anymore. I was planning my life without her, and was honestly looking forward to finding someone who could think of me.
I've read on one of these sites that the worst thing you could do is to stay and not forgive. That seems to be where I'm at now. Any suggestions ? I'd welcome your input
I guess I should start with some background. I've been married to my wife for 25 years. I was a single dad (son) at 24 when I met my wife who was a single mom (daughter) when she was 26. I can't say we ever had a burning love, even back then, but we enjoyed each other and seemed to have a lot of common interests. We were married, and seemed to be pretty happy for the first 10 years or so. Maybe I should say that I was happy, because there were warning signs of dysfunction now that I look back at it. Probably the biggest thing was our inability to work things out. It just seemed that no matter how many angles I approached something, she could never move even a little to my point of view. I remember an on-going argument over the fact that we couldn't spend more than I made at that time. We were constantly running a negative cash flow. She would hound me about taking vacations that we couldn't afford. It just seemed like I wasn't living with a partner, but with someone I could never satisfy.
Given those problems, we did everything together. Camping, biking, going to the kids sporting events, scouts, church. All the things I thought a marriage should be about. We basically ignored our issues since we could never work them out. Every once in a while, I would lose my temper and raise my voice to her. This happened very infrequently (a few times a year). It was usually when I got so frustrated over our inability to talk about things. She, on the other hand, would pick fights with me when she was in a bad mood. It seemed to me this was a bad habit she had picked up from her parents relationship.
I didn't like it, but I let it pass. A very bad habit now that I look back at things. Another big problem was her inability to forgive. After 20 years, we were still talking about the wrongs that happened 15 years ago. I have a few key friends that I enjoy spending time with. I am by no means a social person, but was very happy with the few friends that I have. She on the other hand, never seemed to have a great social network outside of our family. That changed about 5 years ago when she took up roller skating with a group of people that travel all around the country and area to different skating events. I tried to share this part of her life at the time but had back issues that really limited me. I was happy that she had found something to enjoy and people to be social with.
Many of the skater's have skating partners they travel with. Its basically ballroom dancing on skates. What started out as one night a week, moved to two nights and 'special skates' that seemed to be every other weekend or so. She always traveled with a guy that I met and trusted. He was married and seemed to be an average guy. I had put my foot down the week before and had told her she was becoming obsessed with skating. All of our weekends now how to be scheduled around skating. All she could think about was the next skate and getting ready for it. I felt like our marriage will slipping out of my hands and I couldn't stop it. I tried to talk with her about it, but of course she could never see my point of view.
I had finally gotten back surgery around this time, and she was very resentful that she finally had to do things around the house. I had gotten into a habit of doing most of the cooking and cleaning and anything else that needed done. It got so bad, she was unwilling to pick her newspapers off the floor that I might trip over. She was also disconnecting from my children's lives at this point. My son had to rely on me for most of his school help and scout events. I could never talk to her about any of this. She would just deny everything. All of the things that we used to enjoy, we no longer did. I was so blind to what was happening.
I never would have guessed in a million years that anything was going on until I looked at her email one night. The note read 'If we're caught, we're dead' …. . I confronted her with this and she admitted that she had lied about going to the mall the next day. She was going to meet the guy for a 'special skate' instead. This is after I had told her that she need to decide what is important to her. Me or skating. I think she could have told me anything and I would have believed her. I was so blind and stupid to what was going on. Things continued to slip away even more after she found facebook. All she wanted to do was be in our bedroom on facebook. I was living a lonely life and was confused and sad. This continued until one weekend when I finally relented and said she could go on an over-night skate to a different state. She was planning on sharing a house with two other women. She would leave after a major family party with both her family and mine. The party ran late, most of our families were there when they other guy showed up to leave for the over-night trip. I was shocked about this. I confronted her and she claims that she had told me all about it. I told her that there is no way it was okay with me for her to leave, but she ignored me and left anyway. I felt humiliated in front of both out families. I think this is what finally raised major 'red flags' to me. I think I briefly hit this site and saw a note about keyloggers.
I'm trying to make this short but 25 years is a long time. Anyway, I finally found out that she was flirting with this man basically all day through texts, and then all night when she was home up on facebook. They were setting times that they would meet on facebook. From what I gathered, this had been going on for almost a year. Nothing overtly sexual, but it was very flirty. I can't tell you how shocked and hurt I was. My life was completely shattered by this. I think it was all of the lies and lying that hurt me the most. I wanted to try and verify if it was only an EA (I didn't even know what that was at the time) or a PA, but he was going to pick her up the next day. I confronted her that I knew about the texting and all of the lies she had been telling. I told her I wanted her to break off all contact with the man and never see him again. She tried to deny everything. I think she told me they were 'Just Friends' about a million times. I remember doing a lot of crying and being a complete mess. How weak I was then. I basically told her it was 'Him' or 'Me'. I was 100% sure she would apologize, but she hesitated before she told me she wouldn't see him again. She didn't offer any excuses other than to tell me how horrible of a husband I was and how she wasn't attracted to me. This was a shock to me because she always has refused to talk with me about our issues. I agreed to let her skate as long as she wouldn't see the guy again.
This lasted one week. They just happened to meet at the 'next skate' a week later. I asked her and she admitted they happened by each other and spent most of the night together. I freaked out and told her to get the 'F' out of the house. She left and was sitting in the car ready to go when I had a panic attack about losing everything and went out crying and begging her to come back. She came back in and we tried to talk. She denied everything and continued to blame shift all of our problems to me.
I was mad at myself for being so weak. I got pissed the more I thought about this other guy still trying to see my wife while I was going through the most painful time of my life. I decided to get a little bit of my dignity back and confront the guy at work with the purpose of humiliating him in front of his co-workers. I'm not a violent man (I've been in 2 fights my entire life) but I was ready to go that day. He works at an auto body place and was with a client when I showed up. I walked in and made a huge screaming scene that eventually ended up in the parking lot. It never came to blows, but I had made my point. He called my wife that night and said he was giving up skating. It turns out that many of his co-workers knew his wife and he had to admit to at least some of what was going on. He quit facebook that same day, I know because his last post is that day.
We started MC and the wife admitted that she thought she loved him and wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me. Through MC, I learned that we had never really had a healthy marriage. She kept talking about my wife's lack of empathy and told me when I was alone one day that she believed my wife has a narcissist personality disorder and that I would never really be happy no matter what I did. She also said that I have co-dependent traits. After much reading, I can see the truth in that. My trust in my wife was shattered, so I continued keylogger. I eventually found a hidden email account where she was texting another skater guy with the same flirty comments. This time, she was also very negative about me. This all came out and I think it was what led to the 'Co-dependent' comment from the MC. I probably should have walked away then but I didn't. She was claiming that she felt like an 'addict' and needed another emotional fix. She claimed that she had decided to break it off, but didn't have a chance before I found the account. More pain and crying and pathetic weakness from me.
How do you give up on 25 years ? How do you give up on everything you have in life ? That was what was going through my mind when I walked by a wall of family photos and saw a picture of my son and wife at a fair a few years before. I just melted into a pile of hurt. I told her I would forgive her again if she would try to come back. (How I regret my weakness ….)
We continued MC with no real movement. I had learned about healthy marriages and was finally getting stronger and more confident about myself. I could see that I didn't really have anything unless I expected more. I wrote down a list if expectations (things like 'give and take', 'forgiveness', 'respect',communication' ….. I told my wife I was going to expect these things, or we should go our own ways.
That lasted a few days until she came into my room and told me she had never been attracted to me. She wanted a divorce. I was pretty much ready for this also at this point. I was sick of her not even trying. The talk of her being a narcissist had really changed my opinion also. She told our kids and her parents over the next few weeks but didn't get much sympathy. Many of her family told me how selfish she was being.
Long story short ( I know, too late) a few months later, she begs my forgiveness and asks to come back. I still had my contract from before and told her I would not even think about it unless she signs the paper and agrees to everything. She said she would and how she didn't really mean all of the horrible things she said to me.
Its now a few months after that and I feel …. Discouraged. We still don't talk about our issues. She still doesn't have any empathy about how I feel when she's leaving to go on skating or demanding open access to all social media. She still seems to care about herself first. Is she trying ? I think in her own way she is. I don't think she is cheating anymore, but what about the future ? I find myself living with someone I can't trust. I'm not sure If I love her anymore. I was planning my life without her, and was honestly looking forward to finding someone who could think of me.
I've read on one of these sites that the worst thing you could do is to stay and not forgive. That seems to be where I'm at now. Any suggestions ? I'd welcome your input
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