Coming apart at the seams (long)

I am a 29 year old man, who loves my wife dearly, married for two years, and my marriage is self destructing. It has gone from the most rewarding relationship of my entire life, to one in which I feel isolated, alone, there is virutally no sex, and I have no idea how to bridge the growing gap between us. There is a laundry list of problems that we have dealt with an moved past in our relationship, including: Her infidelity (3 guys I know of); serious money troubles; lost jobs; extended family problems; and more. The reason I am here though is because in the last few months I am admitting to myself for the first time that I am a sexual sadist, have been for my whole life, and it is tearing me and our marriage apart. I have always been kinky, my wife as well, though much less so, but when we met she was willing to play along with a bunch of the bdsm related activites. Then we got married and it was like overnight she was no longer interested in being submissive to me, and when I pushed her on the subject she would regularly tell me that she felt like she was "not enough" for my desires. Then eventually she said that she felt so abused by her boss at work that she no longer wanted to be my submissive. This continued so many times I was finally forced to really re-examine my sexuality and ever since I rung the bell of admitting I am a compulsive sexual sadist I haven't been able to go back. Ever since then I have tried to bridge the sexual gap between my wife and I numerous times, not requesting anything kinky, but still being told that she feels judged for not living up to my desires, trying to get her to fill out a bdsm checklist so I can know where I can safely play, only getting a "gr eat idea" but no follow through. Admitting to her that I was a sadist was one of the hardest things in my life, and she seems to have ignored it completely. My sadism is very well controlled by me. I will not do anything without consent, but my sexual desires are heavily weighted toward suffering and degradation. I used to be able to have regular sex with my wife as well, but I now feel so self conscious, judged, and disregarded that I simply can't even maintain an erection during sex anymore. The sex we do have is short and unsatisfying for us both. To make matters worse, my wife is slowly redefining me out of her life. I have had physical problems my whole life, but been able to make up for it with intelligence. We recently relocated back to the rural area she is from, I grew up in a college town near a city, and there is no one here that I could call a friend. Since moving back she has decided to become obsessed with fitness and dieting, spending hours a day doing this, something I have no interest or ability to participate in. When we first got together she would talk with me late into the night about science, politics, and philosophy, but now whenever I try to bring one of those topics up she says that I move too fast for her, she doesn't understand it, or outright tells me she has no interest in it. I also used to have friends I could talk with, but up here she knows many people and has family, though she judges them all very harshly and hardly spends time with them, while I have literally no one except her. O n top of that she has expensive tastes and since we don't make enough money to support her expensive tastes (living in an economically depressed rural region and I've gone back to school for a better longterm job outlook, but in the meantime can't earn much) she takes on tons of extra work, on top of the 24 hour a day on call job she already has. Not once since we moved up here have I had her undivided attention. I don't know what to do. This is not an issue that is going to change for me and every time I bring up anything sexual she's always 'too busy' or 'not in the mood' or will occasionally begrudgingly and with a great deal attitude consent to some little bit of a thing that is far far far less than what she used to, which even then was not nearly the full extent of my desires. The only times we get together are eating dinner in front of the tv and sleeping. I don't need her to be masochistic, I don't even need her to engage in my fetishes, I just need her support and understanding, but it seems like I'm just too much of a bother for her to deal with. She says all the time that she loves me, but proves daily that when it comes down to it she rates her wants as far more important than my needs. Everytime I try to bring this up she says I'm ambushing or attacking her, and, just like the rest of her family, flies of the handle and refuses to talk about it. I'm breaking apart. It's hard enough dealing with a socially unacceptable paraphilia, but to have it be tearing your relationship apart and to have your partner pretty much disregard it is miserable. I literally just want to break down and cry and scream every day, but I love my wife so much that doing so would feel like emotional blackmail. Help. Please. Also: Please See Second and Third comment in the thread if you are about to say anything close to what CEL and Anon Pink did.

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