Hello all, I am a noob here so thanks so much in advance for your help and I apologize for the book! Last night I had a fight with my husband that blew every other possible fight out of the park. There was no screaming there was no pacing, it was simply heartbreaking for both of us. The story: One week ago, my husband took responsibility for the lions share of the responsibility for one of our shared work projects (which he insisted on taking on). The deadline for completion was last night at midnight and the total project took 20 hours to complete (16 for him, 4 for me). For the first 5 days he worked on the project for an average of one hour a day, knowing full well that 1) the project would take 20 hours, 2) the end result of the project was important to my image and how I would be viewed in the workplace, and 3) I did not have the skills to do the part he took on (but I certainly could have learned them if I had started at the beginning of the week). Two nights ago he stayed up until 4 am working on the project. On the last day, he still had 10 hours of work to complete and we had two necessary/planned errands, an unexpected emergency and a meeting that went longer than it should have. He spent most every moment that he could at his computer working on the project. I asked him if I could review his work twice during the day, the first time (around 3 pm) he refused saying that it wasn't polished enough, the second time (around 8 pm) he refused again but I insisted on seeing it and provided feedback on what he had completed. Around this time, I also started to get tired, fussy and irritated and I snapped at him when he was trying to help me. At 11:30pm he again allowed me to see it and I had some suggestions. We completed 1/2 the changes I would have liked to see around 11:45 and then we decided that we had to begin the submission process if we were to make the deadline. The project was a large file and it was taking too l ong to load so we uploaded a lower quality version instead. By the time we were able to submit the low quality version, the deadline had already passed and it was 12:01. I was cranky and told him that we should wait for the high quality version now that we were already passed the deadline. When I left the room, he submitted the project behind my back with the low-quality version attached, sight unseen. When I returned to find that out, I was quite upset, I took a look at the low quality version and it was so blurry that the content could barely be identified. Now my name is attached to this poorly presented product. I was absolutely disgusted as I was looking it over and I certainly didn't do enough to hide my disgust. My husband had worked so long and hard on this project (at least in those last few days) and I wish that my immediate reaction had been more supportive. I was overcome by the poor quality of the finished product and the stress of the timeline that he put us bo th on. I recognized my inappropriate and his hurt with-in minutes and I tried to rectify it, but to no avail. I left the room for a bit and collected my thoughts and returned 30 minutes later with a heartfelt apology and sincere recognition of his efforts but he basically just ignored me. He was also reading something online when I walked in that he quickly clicked off of when i entered the room. We slept separately last night. He is still sleeping, so I don't know where we stand today.
In the grand scheme of things this one project does not make a real difference. It is the pattern that I am most concerned about, this kind of thing is the norm rather than the exception. I am an extremely hard worker and I stand by the quality of my work. He is the opposite, he wants everyone's timeline to bend to his loosey goosey view of time (which, in theory, should create a good balance for the both of us, because I expect everyone to conform to my tight/ get things done type schedule. But instead of both of us moving towards that middle, it seems to just be causing added stress and more of a rift, as neither of us is comfortable on the other's version of Wonderland). He also does not have a very refine sense of quality, in my opinion. Just as a conceptual example... In my work life, I draw a square with a ruler, it has 4 equal length straight lines and 90 degree angle corners. My husband draws a square as anyone who just took out a piece of paper and a pen would. I li ke to draw like that when I'm doing something for myself, but not when it is for other people to see. Maybe he doesn't have the ability to focus on a task long enough to make it real quality work? Also, I am 100% that I am overly critical. Shouldn't I be allowed to be when my name or my future is on the line? My husband thinks that life is a game, that it will move itself forward and we will be successful even if we don't do anything, that every moment should b fun, free, easy, and beautiful. That is such an amazing and liberating mentality, but I think it is also quite naive, especially when we have to support each other. Recently he wrote out a life plan and said that we will be making $100,000/ year by next year and $500,000 in 5 years, but when I asked him how we were going to reach that goal he had nothing to say and he got upset that I don't "believe in him". How can I believe in that dream if he has never shown the work required to get there? He is soooo soooo sweet t hough. Breakfast in bed, massages whenever I ask, opens doors, brings me tea when I can't sleep. As time goes on though, these sweet gestures are waning. I am sure I am changing too; my temper is shorter and I am not as fun. We are sooooooo different and if we met in the middle we would probably be the world's most balanced pair, but neither of has found the strength to step into the other's shoes (though we both want to be more like, or at least please, the other). What should we do?
Wow, if anyone took the time to read this, you are truly amazing. If nobody reads this, I am just happy to have written it down.
In the grand scheme of things this one project does not make a real difference. It is the pattern that I am most concerned about, this kind of thing is the norm rather than the exception. I am an extremely hard worker and I stand by the quality of my work. He is the opposite, he wants everyone's timeline to bend to his loosey goosey view of time (which, in theory, should create a good balance for the both of us, because I expect everyone to conform to my tight/ get things done type schedule. But instead of both of us moving towards that middle, it seems to just be causing added stress and more of a rift, as neither of us is comfortable on the other's version of Wonderland). He also does not have a very refine sense of quality, in my opinion. Just as a conceptual example... In my work life, I draw a square with a ruler, it has 4 equal length straight lines and 90 degree angle corners. My husband draws a square as anyone who just took out a piece of paper and a pen would. I li ke to draw like that when I'm doing something for myself, but not when it is for other people to see. Maybe he doesn't have the ability to focus on a task long enough to make it real quality work? Also, I am 100% that I am overly critical. Shouldn't I be allowed to be when my name or my future is on the line? My husband thinks that life is a game, that it will move itself forward and we will be successful even if we don't do anything, that every moment should b fun, free, easy, and beautiful. That is such an amazing and liberating mentality, but I think it is also quite naive, especially when we have to support each other. Recently he wrote out a life plan and said that we will be making $100,000/ year by next year and $500,000 in 5 years, but when I asked him how we were going to reach that goal he had nothing to say and he got upset that I don't "believe in him". How can I believe in that dream if he has never shown the work required to get there? He is soooo soooo sweet t hough. Breakfast in bed, massages whenever I ask, opens doors, brings me tea when I can't sleep. As time goes on though, these sweet gestures are waning. I am sure I am changing too; my temper is shorter and I am not as fun. We are sooooooo different and if we met in the middle we would probably be the world's most balanced pair, but neither of has found the strength to step into the other's shoes (though we both want to be more like, or at least please, the other). What should we do?
Wow, if anyone took the time to read this, you are truly amazing. If nobody reads this, I am just happy to have written it down.
Put the internet to work for you.
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