Here is my story.
We have been in a relationship for 20 yrs, married for 8. We have 2 children, 18 and 14. I have just found out my wife has been having an affair for the last few months and does not plan to stop. A week ago I asked her why she had been on her phone constantly chatting with the OM and she admitted an affair was taking place with this married man. My initial reaction was extreme anger of course. She sat quietly while I raged. Since then she has met up with OM under my nose and even stayed away a few nights and said she was planning a week away with him! (This nasty behaviour is totally out of character and really dumbfounded me) It has left my self esteem in tatters and my head a mess.
Neither of us have walked out so we continue to have dialogue and discussions and live under the same roof. She has said some very hurtful things such as never loved me, sex life abysmal, no passion etc, etc. However she said she is also very sorry for the pain she is putting me through and says I do not deserve it. She says she has only loved me as a brother for the last 10 years or so. Our sex life has been intermittent over that period. She had a one night stand about 4 years ago and we briefly went to counselling which probably just papered over cracks. She says that the OM has awoken her passion for a love life.
After our recent discussions she has made me start to believe that we were not meant to be together by pointing out all our differences and our (mainly mine) failings. She has lots in common with OM and I almost begin to feel she may well be happier starting a life with him. She says she has not been able to give me any affection for the last 10 years and that all the feeling in our relationship has only come from my side, me giving but receiving none in return and that makes her feel empty inside. I am struggling with the dilemma of still loving her and wanting to live together under one roof no matter what or making the decision to split and start again, breaking up our family unit. The thought of the OM helping to bring up my children is abhorrent to me.
Splitting would also be difficult for me financially. I feel extremely guilty for not addressing our problems earlier as she has mentioned her concerns for a number of years. I am also unsure I can be the person she would have wanted me to be anyway. At the present moment I am attacking the 'list' of jobs that have needed doing over the years with gusto… no doubt this will seem far too late for her and cause more derision.
Regarding divorce, we have mentioned it but neither of us are looking forward to the upheaval that it will cause. I believe the OM is willing to leave his wife as he is in a loveless relationship.
More background.
The lack of intimacy in our marriage has been caused (I think) by us not developing and discussing our changing emotional needs as we grew older. As a man I followed an all too usual pattern of struggling to change my lifestyle after having children. My wife brought up both our kids pretty much on her own through their early years, as well as holding down a full time job. I was away a lot during the first 10 years and really was only a part time father - which of course seems incredible to me now.
After 10 years I started getting my act together a little but my enthusiasm for doing family things and socialising with her family and friends was always pretty low and I think this really turned her off. Don't get me wrong it was not all doom and gloom but I sure seemed a natural at throwing buckets of cold water over many social and family occasions.
Basically I was not very family orientated but still a loving father and husband. We had a few discussions about this but with children, work and tiredness we never really got it sorted. I now work from home and see the kids off to school everyday while my wife leaves for work at 6 am and doesn't. In her eyes, something else far from ideal.
Since then our intimacy has been stop start to say the least and maybe a year ago she said she was worried she didn't feel anything anymore, but that she also may have not felt properly for years. We took no immediate action, again incredible as it seems now.
I think if she maybe put the same amount of effort into the marriage as this affair then things may have been different but I think this affair started out with her and the OM just being friends, so pretty slowly. How do you restart a 20 year relationship in the same way? By recognising problems and agreeing to some form of action? Doesn't sound very natural and those are the sort of plans I know she hates, trying to force a reawakening...
The OM and my W do not work together but they share the same hobby which has taken them away with groups quite often in the last year. I have met the OM on a number of occasions. He has a teenage child. My W and I share pretty much no hobbies which is another of her bug bears.
A few people know of the affair. My mother in law and brother in law, a few of her work colleagues and her closest friend. I have told two of my friends who live abroad.
The actual D Day was only 2 weeks ago so I feel I am still at an early stage, where my emotions are rollercoasting thru my head and heart. One minute I think I know what to do the next everything is collapsing around me. I guess this is natural. For the moment I am hanging on to the solid advice of eat. sleep, exercise in order to continuing to run the household family life.. oh the irony !
I am now at the point of telling the children, although am unsure on the method. I know my W would like to do it together but I fear the spin she would put on things so I am thinking of doing it alone, possibly with a letter just outlining the facts of the A and the current situation.
Any thoughts, advice welcome, as I am sure all reading this will know, its a hellish situation to be in.
We have been in a relationship for 20 yrs, married for 8. We have 2 children, 18 and 14. I have just found out my wife has been having an affair for the last few months and does not plan to stop. A week ago I asked her why she had been on her phone constantly chatting with the OM and she admitted an affair was taking place with this married man. My initial reaction was extreme anger of course. She sat quietly while I raged. Since then she has met up with OM under my nose and even stayed away a few nights and said she was planning a week away with him! (This nasty behaviour is totally out of character and really dumbfounded me) It has left my self esteem in tatters and my head a mess.
Neither of us have walked out so we continue to have dialogue and discussions and live under the same roof. She has said some very hurtful things such as never loved me, sex life abysmal, no passion etc, etc. However she said she is also very sorry for the pain she is putting me through and says I do not deserve it. She says she has only loved me as a brother for the last 10 years or so. Our sex life has been intermittent over that period. She had a one night stand about 4 years ago and we briefly went to counselling which probably just papered over cracks. She says that the OM has awoken her passion for a love life.
After our recent discussions she has made me start to believe that we were not meant to be together by pointing out all our differences and our (mainly mine) failings. She has lots in common with OM and I almost begin to feel she may well be happier starting a life with him. She says she has not been able to give me any affection for the last 10 years and that all the feeling in our relationship has only come from my side, me giving but receiving none in return and that makes her feel empty inside. I am struggling with the dilemma of still loving her and wanting to live together under one roof no matter what or making the decision to split and start again, breaking up our family unit. The thought of the OM helping to bring up my children is abhorrent to me.
Splitting would also be difficult for me financially. I feel extremely guilty for not addressing our problems earlier as she has mentioned her concerns for a number of years. I am also unsure I can be the person she would have wanted me to be anyway. At the present moment I am attacking the 'list' of jobs that have needed doing over the years with gusto… no doubt this will seem far too late for her and cause more derision.
Regarding divorce, we have mentioned it but neither of us are looking forward to the upheaval that it will cause. I believe the OM is willing to leave his wife as he is in a loveless relationship.
More background.
The lack of intimacy in our marriage has been caused (I think) by us not developing and discussing our changing emotional needs as we grew older. As a man I followed an all too usual pattern of struggling to change my lifestyle after having children. My wife brought up both our kids pretty much on her own through their early years, as well as holding down a full time job. I was away a lot during the first 10 years and really was only a part time father - which of course seems incredible to me now.
After 10 years I started getting my act together a little but my enthusiasm for doing family things and socialising with her family and friends was always pretty low and I think this really turned her off. Don't get me wrong it was not all doom and gloom but I sure seemed a natural at throwing buckets of cold water over many social and family occasions.
Basically I was not very family orientated but still a loving father and husband. We had a few discussions about this but with children, work and tiredness we never really got it sorted. I now work from home and see the kids off to school everyday while my wife leaves for work at 6 am and doesn't. In her eyes, something else far from ideal.
Since then our intimacy has been stop start to say the least and maybe a year ago she said she was worried she didn't feel anything anymore, but that she also may have not felt properly for years. We took no immediate action, again incredible as it seems now.
I think if she maybe put the same amount of effort into the marriage as this affair then things may have been different but I think this affair started out with her and the OM just being friends, so pretty slowly. How do you restart a 20 year relationship in the same way? By recognising problems and agreeing to some form of action? Doesn't sound very natural and those are the sort of plans I know she hates, trying to force a reawakening...
The OM and my W do not work together but they share the same hobby which has taken them away with groups quite often in the last year. I have met the OM on a number of occasions. He has a teenage child. My W and I share pretty much no hobbies which is another of her bug bears.
A few people know of the affair. My mother in law and brother in law, a few of her work colleagues and her closest friend. I have told two of my friends who live abroad.
The actual D Day was only 2 weeks ago so I feel I am still at an early stage, where my emotions are rollercoasting thru my head and heart. One minute I think I know what to do the next everything is collapsing around me. I guess this is natural. For the moment I am hanging on to the solid advice of eat. sleep, exercise in order to continuing to run the household family life.. oh the irony !
I am now at the point of telling the children, although am unsure on the method. I know my W would like to do it together but I fear the spin she would put on things so I am thinking of doing it alone, possibly with a letter just outlining the facts of the A and the current situation.
Any thoughts, advice welcome, as I am sure all reading this will know, its a hellish situation to be in.
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