The man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with walked out on me last week. I am heartbroke. The day after he went was awful. I begged him to come home. He won't go for counselling. His mind is made up. It's over. I have had an awful week trying to get my head around it. Mainly the fact that he has given up and isn't prepared to fight for our marriage. A lot of things have happened in our relationship and I know it couldn't keep going as it was but to give up on me is heartbreaking.
I have known for months that he isn't happy and have asked him but each time he has said it's fine, we will be fine but it seems he was just biding his time to get out.
I have, and I am ashamed to admit this, been so reliant on him. I am currently signed off work with anxiety / depression and I know this has taken it's toll on both of us. I have relied on him so much and it has made me feel pathetic and needy. I am pathetic and needy. That also hurts. That he knows how ill I am, how dependent I am on him yet he went anyway. It hurts but I do think he has done the best thing for both of us. I just wish I hadn't taken the fact we got married that we would be able to work through anything as obviously marriage isn't unbreakable. I have been far too wrapped up in my illness instead of getting better and bettering our relationship. We had stopped communicating. I had started to get irritable as I knew he was lying to me but he said everything would be okay so when he finally said he'd had enough and he'd felt like this for a while it made me feel a little relieved that I wasn't imagining it.
I had been so worried that he would leave me for someone else. He had cheated on me a few years ago, he had a one night stand with a work colleague. That destroyed my trust in him and we've not got it back. As I've been ill I knew I was becoming less and less attractive to him so the fear just came back even more. I do suspect he may have someone else but although he has done it before I do think it was a one off as it was so out of character for him. I can see how much I have been pushing him away and he has given up. He is a good man he just doesn't want to be with me anymore.
Last night I had a really bad night but this has to stop. I have to get better. I have to move on. Hard as it is.
He has moved the majority of his things out and I now need to seek financial advice about whether I can keep my home. I have two adult children from a previous relationship who he wants to keep in touch with and has made plans to see them since he left.
The last few texts we have sent have been amicable. Although last night someone saw pictures of him on facebook of him out on Friday night and that brought out lots of feelings of hurt, anger, upset. I didn't message him but wanted to. I felt desperate. I hate feeling like this. I just hope that it will pass soon. Time is a great healer but time seems to have stood still for me of late.
I guess I just wanted to vent. I don't know if the divorce buster books are the right book for me as he's made his mind up and as each day passes I know he will not want to come back to me. I certainly wouldn't.
I need to get me back. Whoever me is. I lost her a long time ago. I went from a very controlled violent relationship where I was so independent, I had to be, my ex did nothing for me or the kids to someone who was the total opposite. Nice as can be, would literally do anything for me. I have relied on him so much I have lost sense of my purpose. My friends think he has smothered me and become my security blanket. I have relied on him whilst being ill. No doubt it has made him miserable to. Oh I wish I had seen this before he left, and done something about it.
I just have so many emotions. It's hard to switch them off. I know my anxiety is not helping. I need to concentrate on getting well, getting back to work and hopefully everything else will slot into place.
I have known for months that he isn't happy and have asked him but each time he has said it's fine, we will be fine but it seems he was just biding his time to get out.
I have, and I am ashamed to admit this, been so reliant on him. I am currently signed off work with anxiety / depression and I know this has taken it's toll on both of us. I have relied on him so much and it has made me feel pathetic and needy. I am pathetic and needy. That also hurts. That he knows how ill I am, how dependent I am on him yet he went anyway. It hurts but I do think he has done the best thing for both of us. I just wish I hadn't taken the fact we got married that we would be able to work through anything as obviously marriage isn't unbreakable. I have been far too wrapped up in my illness instead of getting better and bettering our relationship. We had stopped communicating. I had started to get irritable as I knew he was lying to me but he said everything would be okay so when he finally said he'd had enough and he'd felt like this for a while it made me feel a little relieved that I wasn't imagining it.
I had been so worried that he would leave me for someone else. He had cheated on me a few years ago, he had a one night stand with a work colleague. That destroyed my trust in him and we've not got it back. As I've been ill I knew I was becoming less and less attractive to him so the fear just came back even more. I do suspect he may have someone else but although he has done it before I do think it was a one off as it was so out of character for him. I can see how much I have been pushing him away and he has given up. He is a good man he just doesn't want to be with me anymore.
Last night I had a really bad night but this has to stop. I have to get better. I have to move on. Hard as it is.
He has moved the majority of his things out and I now need to seek financial advice about whether I can keep my home. I have two adult children from a previous relationship who he wants to keep in touch with and has made plans to see them since he left.
The last few texts we have sent have been amicable. Although last night someone saw pictures of him on facebook of him out on Friday night and that brought out lots of feelings of hurt, anger, upset. I didn't message him but wanted to. I felt desperate. I hate feeling like this. I just hope that it will pass soon. Time is a great healer but time seems to have stood still for me of late.
I guess I just wanted to vent. I don't know if the divorce buster books are the right book for me as he's made his mind up and as each day passes I know he will not want to come back to me. I certainly wouldn't.
I need to get me back. Whoever me is. I lost her a long time ago. I went from a very controlled violent relationship where I was so independent, I had to be, my ex did nothing for me or the kids to someone who was the total opposite. Nice as can be, would literally do anything for me. I have relied on him so much I have lost sense of my purpose. My friends think he has smothered me and become my security blanket. I have relied on him whilst being ill. No doubt it has made him miserable to. Oh I wish I had seen this before he left, and done something about it.
I just have so many emotions. It's hard to switch them off. I know my anxiety is not helping. I need to concentrate on getting well, getting back to work and hopefully everything else will slot into place.
Put the internet to work for you.
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