Sometimes I feel like I need him

He's been gone just over a week and the other night I was having flashbacks and nightmares and tonight, I feel like I need him back. Not because I need things done, but emotionally and I don't understand because when he's here, the tension in the house is so bad, I can barely breathe and the stress causes whatever is wrong with me, they say fibro, to flare up and I'm in constant pain. It's pretty bad too that sometimes Oxycodone doesn't even help.

What is wrong with me? I know he's toxic to me and based on how the kids are more relaxed and fighting less as well as listening better to me, that the two of us together are toxic to them. But all I want right now is to be in his arms and just sleep that way. There was a time I adored him. That was over 14 years ago, but I can still think back to that time and feel that same feeling. But I also know I haven't had that feeling in over 10 years now. So why do I think I can sleep in his arms when I couldn't be in the same room with him?

Is this normal? I have an appt with my lawyer Thursday so that we can talk about what I want in my papers but I don't think that's the reason but I could be wrong. All I know is I'm depressed right now because he's not here. Please someone tell me this is normal, I'll feel a lot better.

Thanks💕
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