Profile:
Male, age 54, Married 32 years, wife age 54 , 2 grown daughters, (1) 2 year old granddaughter. Always full time employed and supporting spouse. No history of chemical abuse, wife abuse, affairs, chronic sickness, depression or criminal behavior. Self starter and problem solver.
Situation:
My wife and I jointly own a small business. She stays home and handles a fair amount of the bookkeeping which averages 3-4 hours per day. Some days she doesn't have to work on business at all. In addition to that she takes care of most of the household cooking & cleaning. I also contribute to these chores but she does the lion share. She is currently baby sitting our grand daughter from 7PM to about 1pm the next day for 4-5 days a week.
I am a blue collar worker that actively works and manages our business about 6 days per week. We are not rich but we have a decent home and my wife has a nice car. She can schedule appointments to the hair & nail salon during the day and has money to shop. She can take time off while I cover her responsibilities. I have always provided well enough for her to be a stay at home wife & mother. We both are in fairly good physical health, eat a healthy diet and regularly work out at a gym.
Problem:
Over the last 10-15 years my wife has become less & less satisfied with her life. She just seems intensely irritated all the time like someone who is trying to quit smoking. I'm fairly sure that menopause is affecting her mental state. Her complaints range from "she has no friends" , "we never do anything but work", "our house is falling down", "we won't be able to retire" - basically " I'm just not happy". I have seen her go from gym to gym to gym trying to find just the right one only to come back to the one I have stayed with all along. I have observed this same behavior in her over the years with people and churches. There is always something wrong with this person, gym or church so she goes to the next one never being able to stay for the long term because of some issue or another. By comparison, I'm fairly sure there are other decent hard working women that would gladly trade places with her. On a side note, I have in the past taken her to exotic places and spent money on home projects but it always leads to more and bigger unhappiness about some other unfulfilled issue. I know there is always something else to do but can't we ever have some level of contentment? For example, this past week I handled everything on the homefront while she spent a week visiting relatives. I listened on the phone while she described all the dysfunctions of the family she was visiting. When she returned home everything had been handled. Housework done and everything in order & clean. I greeted her with the dogs and unloaded the car for her. All I got was a hard, cold peck on the cheek and *****ed at for not going thru her mail and getting rid of the junk.
From what I can tell we are better off than most but she seems to always compare what we don't have to those who are very well off. I talk regularly to other guys in my age group about my situation and there seems to be a common thread with the "I'm just not happy" theme.. Some of their wives have walked out. Mine has threatened to divorce. These are decent guys that have really tried hard to be faithful and do everything within their power to take care of their wives. About 3 years ago I caught her with hard evidence in an emotional affair, possibly / likely physical, but unable to prove. I blew it up and don't think it has continued but sometimes kick myself for not ending my marriage at that time. We still had one daughter at home at the time so it was a difficult decision.
Years ago we did some marriage counselling but as soon as the councellor would start to shine the light on her, she would quit. One time we went as a couple for months. The counsellor finally called me in on my own to tell me that it would be a waste to go any further. He told me that while I was receptive and willing to put effort into working on my problems the only thing she could do was "*****" about me but was unwilling to address her issues. She continues to hold on to things I said or did over 25 years ago and have not repeated. He even told me that if most of the husbands he counselled would work at their marriage as well as I was doing their wives would be thrilled. My wife refuses to do any more marriage counselling. She has said to me in the past that I need to go on my own and get "fixed" because she is "normal".
For about 5-10 years now my wife has not been interested in non sexual hugging & kissing or sex. I'm the only one that tries to be affectionate but it is much like trying to love a cactus. Sex is just out of duty and is very unfulfilling. She sleeps in a separate room. Recently when I wanted to have sex with her she brought up that there were some chores that I had not gotten around to and that because of that, sex was out of the question. I told her that she was totally out of line and asked how she would feel if I withheld money, food or shelter due to things she should have gotten accomplished. Since that incident I told her that I would not be trying to have sex with her anymore and that I would just masterbate to kill my urges. I have not attempted to touch her, kiss her or compliment her good looks since that day. I have not made any mention of special holidays or bought her any gifts, called or texted her other than for pure business reasons. I have been respectful and we carry out our daily activities in good spirit without negativity. From someone looking at us from the outside, they would probably think we were in a loving relationship.
I have researched & read NMMNG, MAP and other resources and continually try to work on my own self while trying to figure out what course of action to take next.
Besides any constructive criticism, advice or personal similarities I would like your take on this: Since the day I have ceased all attempts at any touching, kissing, compliments, romantic suggestions, calling or texting, my wife has not been agitated or nagging or complaining. She actually is civil toward me. Cooks and brings me food and generally in a lot nicer mood. So I brought up the fact that she seems to be in a lot better mood now that I show no affection toward her. I told her that I thought this was not right for a man and wife to live this way and could she explain why she was in a better mood. Her response was that I am just trying to start a fight and she would not discuss it. I just walked away from the conversation and so this state of affairs just continues. She seems like life is fine while I struggle with how to end a 32 year marriage. The really sad thing for me is that she has always been very attractive to me. I have always wanted and longed for her. Recently I have felt this attraction going away as I emotionally distance myself from her in preparation for moving on.
Hopefully someone out there can shed some light on this situation for me.
Male, age 54, Married 32 years, wife age 54 , 2 grown daughters, (1) 2 year old granddaughter. Always full time employed and supporting spouse. No history of chemical abuse, wife abuse, affairs, chronic sickness, depression or criminal behavior. Self starter and problem solver.
Situation:
My wife and I jointly own a small business. She stays home and handles a fair amount of the bookkeeping which averages 3-4 hours per day. Some days she doesn't have to work on business at all. In addition to that she takes care of most of the household cooking & cleaning. I also contribute to these chores but she does the lion share. She is currently baby sitting our grand daughter from 7PM to about 1pm the next day for 4-5 days a week.
I am a blue collar worker that actively works and manages our business about 6 days per week. We are not rich but we have a decent home and my wife has a nice car. She can schedule appointments to the hair & nail salon during the day and has money to shop. She can take time off while I cover her responsibilities. I have always provided well enough for her to be a stay at home wife & mother. We both are in fairly good physical health, eat a healthy diet and regularly work out at a gym.
Problem:
Over the last 10-15 years my wife has become less & less satisfied with her life. She just seems intensely irritated all the time like someone who is trying to quit smoking. I'm fairly sure that menopause is affecting her mental state. Her complaints range from "she has no friends" , "we never do anything but work", "our house is falling down", "we won't be able to retire" - basically " I'm just not happy". I have seen her go from gym to gym to gym trying to find just the right one only to come back to the one I have stayed with all along. I have observed this same behavior in her over the years with people and churches. There is always something wrong with this person, gym or church so she goes to the next one never being able to stay for the long term because of some issue or another. By comparison, I'm fairly sure there are other decent hard working women that would gladly trade places with her. On a side note, I have in the past taken her to exotic places and spent money on home projects but it always leads to more and bigger unhappiness about some other unfulfilled issue. I know there is always something else to do but can't we ever have some level of contentment? For example, this past week I handled everything on the homefront while she spent a week visiting relatives. I listened on the phone while she described all the dysfunctions of the family she was visiting. When she returned home everything had been handled. Housework done and everything in order & clean. I greeted her with the dogs and unloaded the car for her. All I got was a hard, cold peck on the cheek and *****ed at for not going thru her mail and getting rid of the junk.
From what I can tell we are better off than most but she seems to always compare what we don't have to those who are very well off. I talk regularly to other guys in my age group about my situation and there seems to be a common thread with the "I'm just not happy" theme.. Some of their wives have walked out. Mine has threatened to divorce. These are decent guys that have really tried hard to be faithful and do everything within their power to take care of their wives. About 3 years ago I caught her with hard evidence in an emotional affair, possibly / likely physical, but unable to prove. I blew it up and don't think it has continued but sometimes kick myself for not ending my marriage at that time. We still had one daughter at home at the time so it was a difficult decision.
Years ago we did some marriage counselling but as soon as the councellor would start to shine the light on her, she would quit. One time we went as a couple for months. The counsellor finally called me in on my own to tell me that it would be a waste to go any further. He told me that while I was receptive and willing to put effort into working on my problems the only thing she could do was "*****" about me but was unwilling to address her issues. She continues to hold on to things I said or did over 25 years ago and have not repeated. He even told me that if most of the husbands he counselled would work at their marriage as well as I was doing their wives would be thrilled. My wife refuses to do any more marriage counselling. She has said to me in the past that I need to go on my own and get "fixed" because she is "normal".
For about 5-10 years now my wife has not been interested in non sexual hugging & kissing or sex. I'm the only one that tries to be affectionate but it is much like trying to love a cactus. Sex is just out of duty and is very unfulfilling. She sleeps in a separate room. Recently when I wanted to have sex with her she brought up that there were some chores that I had not gotten around to and that because of that, sex was out of the question. I told her that she was totally out of line and asked how she would feel if I withheld money, food or shelter due to things she should have gotten accomplished. Since that incident I told her that I would not be trying to have sex with her anymore and that I would just masterbate to kill my urges. I have not attempted to touch her, kiss her or compliment her good looks since that day. I have not made any mention of special holidays or bought her any gifts, called or texted her other than for pure business reasons. I have been respectful and we carry out our daily activities in good spirit without negativity. From someone looking at us from the outside, they would probably think we were in a loving relationship.
I have researched & read NMMNG, MAP and other resources and continually try to work on my own self while trying to figure out what course of action to take next.
Besides any constructive criticism, advice or personal similarities I would like your take on this: Since the day I have ceased all attempts at any touching, kissing, compliments, romantic suggestions, calling or texting, my wife has not been agitated or nagging or complaining. She actually is civil toward me. Cooks and brings me food and generally in a lot nicer mood. So I brought up the fact that she seems to be in a lot better mood now that I show no affection toward her. I told her that I thought this was not right for a man and wife to live this way and could she explain why she was in a better mood. Her response was that I am just trying to start a fight and she would not discuss it. I just walked away from the conversation and so this state of affairs just continues. She seems like life is fine while I struggle with how to end a 32 year marriage. The really sad thing for me is that she has always been very attractive to me. I have always wanted and longed for her. Recently I have felt this attraction going away as I emotionally distance myself from her in preparation for moving on.
Hopefully someone out there can shed some light on this situation for me.
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