First post - not feeling too good about that (wish I didn't have to post here at all) - but here I am.
My wife and I will have been married for 9-years come August 2015.
She hit me with a thunderbolt last night: she was done with being unhappy and that she had reached the conclusion that the only thing left to do was pull the plug.
How did we get here?
We have two kids (5 and 2.5). We both work full-time jobs - and we have schedules that don't overlap that well: for instance, she works Tuesday and Thursday nights - so it's just me and the kids. She works all day on Saturday - while she is off on Monday and I am not. Long story short - we've both spent a lot of time feeling like single parents which is a lot of stress. Add to that the fact that we don't have a good support structure in regard to ever having anyone who wants to watch our kids so that we can go out and work on building our relationship. Her mom and dad live out of town and my mom and dad are always busy with my sister and her kids (she is a single mom to 3 children).
For awhile, now, my wife has been telling me that she's feeling an emotional detachment - and that she feels like she isn't getting what she needs emotionally from me. This has led her to resent me - and to let a lot of little "offenses" build into this great ball of anger. She just doesn't seem to feel like there is anything left to fix.
I thought I understood her concerns - I thought I was giving all that I could. I thought that we were just traveling through a rough time in our lives - like many people do - small kids, demanding jobs and so on - but that our foundation was strong enough that we'd get through to the other side where it could be about us again. Yes - bits of our relationship would need to suffer - but it was for the greater good and we were strong enough to surrender parts of ourselves.
When she told me all of this last night it hit hard. I truly had not realized she was that close to ending it.
She says she cannot understand how I failed to "get it". She cannot understand how I failed to heed her warnings. I really didn't understand the gravity of it all.
I should state now that she has agreed to see a counselor with me - we go on Wednesday night for our first session. My sister and brother-in-law went through something similar about a year-and-a-half ago and they saw this counselor and thought the world of him. I figured it was better to go with someone I had at least heard good things about than simply picking a name off of a list and hoping it would be a good choice.
I just don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her. I don't want to throw myself at her feet and beg for a second chance. I don't want there to be an "I can change" kind of thing.
That said - I want her to know that I finally get it. It's gotten through to me. She again cannot understand how I haven't gotten it until now - it seems impossible to her - but I didn't. I want the chance to fight for this.
I am not the kind of man who is unwilling to face his own failings. I am introspective and sensitive - maybe too much sometimes.
I want a chance to show her that I can be the partner she needs. It was never an issue of me choosing to not be that person - it was an issue of me not truly understanding how low she felt - and I don't think it is fair for her to simply write me off - to just assume that I had my chance to figure it out and that I chose not to. That was never the case.
I know it is a cliche - but it's true - sometimes it truly take seeing what you have to lose before you can comprehend what you need to do.
I'm looking at that loss right now - there is no escaping it. If I have any chance of all (and maybe I don't) it's right now.
I just know I love her to the very core of my soul. We've been through so much together (we lost our first child - a daughter - at birth). She has always been the one I wanted to spend my life with. I love her so much - I just pray she gives me the chance to play my hand - not to simply say I screwed up - let me change - but to let me play my hand knowing where the stakes truly lay.
I pray she gives US the chance to dig through the rubbish and find what was once there. That spark might seem dead - but give US the chance to rekindle it - relight it if need be.
Thoughts?? Any positive words are much appreciated. I feel like I'm broken into 90 pieces right now - everything I thought has been tossed on the ground. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I'm sad. My heart is breaking.
My wife and I will have been married for 9-years come August 2015.
She hit me with a thunderbolt last night: she was done with being unhappy and that she had reached the conclusion that the only thing left to do was pull the plug.
How did we get here?
We have two kids (5 and 2.5). We both work full-time jobs - and we have schedules that don't overlap that well: for instance, she works Tuesday and Thursday nights - so it's just me and the kids. She works all day on Saturday - while she is off on Monday and I am not. Long story short - we've both spent a lot of time feeling like single parents which is a lot of stress. Add to that the fact that we don't have a good support structure in regard to ever having anyone who wants to watch our kids so that we can go out and work on building our relationship. Her mom and dad live out of town and my mom and dad are always busy with my sister and her kids (she is a single mom to 3 children).
For awhile, now, my wife has been telling me that she's feeling an emotional detachment - and that she feels like she isn't getting what she needs emotionally from me. This has led her to resent me - and to let a lot of little "offenses" build into this great ball of anger. She just doesn't seem to feel like there is anything left to fix.
I thought I understood her concerns - I thought I was giving all that I could. I thought that we were just traveling through a rough time in our lives - like many people do - small kids, demanding jobs and so on - but that our foundation was strong enough that we'd get through to the other side where it could be about us again. Yes - bits of our relationship would need to suffer - but it was for the greater good and we were strong enough to surrender parts of ourselves.
When she told me all of this last night it hit hard. I truly had not realized she was that close to ending it.
She says she cannot understand how I failed to "get it". She cannot understand how I failed to heed her warnings. I really didn't understand the gravity of it all.
I should state now that she has agreed to see a counselor with me - we go on Wednesday night for our first session. My sister and brother-in-law went through something similar about a year-and-a-half ago and they saw this counselor and thought the world of him. I figured it was better to go with someone I had at least heard good things about than simply picking a name off of a list and hoping it would be a good choice.
I just don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her. I don't want to throw myself at her feet and beg for a second chance. I don't want there to be an "I can change" kind of thing.
That said - I want her to know that I finally get it. It's gotten through to me. She again cannot understand how I haven't gotten it until now - it seems impossible to her - but I didn't. I want the chance to fight for this.
I am not the kind of man who is unwilling to face his own failings. I am introspective and sensitive - maybe too much sometimes.
I want a chance to show her that I can be the partner she needs. It was never an issue of me choosing to not be that person - it was an issue of me not truly understanding how low she felt - and I don't think it is fair for her to simply write me off - to just assume that I had my chance to figure it out and that I chose not to. That was never the case.
I know it is a cliche - but it's true - sometimes it truly take seeing what you have to lose before you can comprehend what you need to do.
I'm looking at that loss right now - there is no escaping it. If I have any chance of all (and maybe I don't) it's right now.
I just know I love her to the very core of my soul. We've been through so much together (we lost our first child - a daughter - at birth). She has always been the one I wanted to spend my life with. I love her so much - I just pray she gives me the chance to play my hand - not to simply say I screwed up - let me change - but to let me play my hand knowing where the stakes truly lay.
I pray she gives US the chance to dig through the rubbish and find what was once there. That spark might seem dead - but give US the chance to rekindle it - relight it if need be.
Thoughts?? Any positive words are much appreciated. I feel like I'm broken into 90 pieces right now - everything I thought has been tossed on the ground. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I'm sad. My heart is breaking.
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