Hello,
This is my first post. Thanks for taking the time to read it and offer your feedback.
Background:
My wife and I have been married for almost 16 years. We have a 2 year old daughter. I work full time and my wife currently works part time and cares for our child on the other days. My wife is the primary caregiver for our daughter. Financially, we make good money and are both in professional careers with a college education. In addition, we own substantial rental real estate, and also a small business(laundromat). I am in the process of exiting the laundromat business within the next 2 months, as it is not very profitable and adds too much complexity to our lives.
Current situation:
Our financial situation is in complete disarray. Tax returns are unfiled for multiple years. The rental properties are in a state of neglect and high vacancy. We are barely making ends meet. I am working constantly(24x7x365) to try to manage everything and keep my head above water. It is a huge burden, but I am highly motivated to find a solution to these challenges.
The problem:
As these problems have evolved over the past 5-10 years, I have attempted to get help from my wife on a regular basis. Sometimes, she would help me by doing small tasks that were well within her comfort zone. These tasks did little to benefit our situation. I told her, "I need a partner, not a helper." I told her , "please engage". Over the past 2-3 years, I have increased the intensity of my discussions with her. These discussions are very heated, and typically end with both of us mad and nothing changing. Lately, as our finances are getting especially bad, I have asked her "when will this become real for you?". I tell her that we are facing bankruptcy, homelessness, divorce, complete financial ruin, IRS legal actions, loss of everything we've worked for years to build , etc. None of these things seem to register with her. Literally, she will do NOTHING at all to try to solve our problems, then I will bring it up again after a few weeks and there will be another hea ted discussion. It is insanity, because I am working at this stuff all day, every day - meanwhile she is working on it NEVER. I just can't understand how someone can be so obtuse.
What I've tried:
-Giving her small tasks. She approaches these as low priority, to be done if and when she feels like it. I can't depend on her for this.
-I asked her to read the book "3 Simple Steps". I hoped this would give her some motivation to WANT to help us. This didn't seem to help.
-I asked her to act as my adviser/mentor/director. Instead of DOING anything, she can simply engage at a high level and help me stay motivated and focused. She can help make high-level strategic suggestions/decisions. This did not happen.
-I asked her to gain a breadth-level understanding of our problems. Nothing.
-I asked her to try a depth-level attack of 1-2 problems. Nothing.
-I asked her to simply be my cheerleader, and say things like "we can solve these problems", "we can get through this", "this matters to me", "I value our marriage", "I want our family to be successful", etc. Amazingly, she can't/won't even do this. It is like there is no inspiration inside of her.
Why this bothers me:
I already know the simple solution is to just be a man, suck it up, and take care of business. But it kills me to do this while my wife is completely checked out and demonstrates no concern about our situation. I question WHY I am doing this. Why am I putting in heroic efforts for someone that puts NO value on it? This is the question that plagues me. If I could get past this, it would be a huge burden off my shoulders and I could move ahead with much more focus.
I take most of the blame for placing us in this situation. If I had realized long ago that she was unwilling to step up and be part of the solution, I would have made different choices. However, that does not change our current situation, and I can't make these problems just magically go away.
I am starting to think that she may have some mental illness or depression that keeps her from engaging beyond her comfort zone, even in times of desperation. She is a good mother and is good at her job(elementary teacher). She takes decent care of the house, cooks, cleans, etc. She is not lazy. However, she is simply not motivated to help in the areas that demand our attention.
I found a wonderful post on another forum that sums up my situation very well:
"My wife has no ambition to better herself nor any motivation to progress beyond her current state and I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm firmly convinced that if I went to sleep for 20 years and awakened, I'd find her in the same level of progress she's at currently with no change. I'm not sure if it's depression, anxiety, or what. She seems to require hand-holding for virtually anything she doesn't already know how to do. "
What other strategies can I try?
How can I come to terms with this and be successful in spite of her?
Could she have a mental illness that would help explain this?
Has anyone faced a similar situation and what did you do?
Thanks for your help !
This is my first post. Thanks for taking the time to read it and offer your feedback.
Background:
My wife and I have been married for almost 16 years. We have a 2 year old daughter. I work full time and my wife currently works part time and cares for our child on the other days. My wife is the primary caregiver for our daughter. Financially, we make good money and are both in professional careers with a college education. In addition, we own substantial rental real estate, and also a small business(laundromat). I am in the process of exiting the laundromat business within the next 2 months, as it is not very profitable and adds too much complexity to our lives.
Current situation:
Our financial situation is in complete disarray. Tax returns are unfiled for multiple years. The rental properties are in a state of neglect and high vacancy. We are barely making ends meet. I am working constantly(24x7x365) to try to manage everything and keep my head above water. It is a huge burden, but I am highly motivated to find a solution to these challenges.
The problem:
As these problems have evolved over the past 5-10 years, I have attempted to get help from my wife on a regular basis. Sometimes, she would help me by doing small tasks that were well within her comfort zone. These tasks did little to benefit our situation. I told her, "I need a partner, not a helper." I told her , "please engage". Over the past 2-3 years, I have increased the intensity of my discussions with her. These discussions are very heated, and typically end with both of us mad and nothing changing. Lately, as our finances are getting especially bad, I have asked her "when will this become real for you?". I tell her that we are facing bankruptcy, homelessness, divorce, complete financial ruin, IRS legal actions, loss of everything we've worked for years to build , etc. None of these things seem to register with her. Literally, she will do NOTHING at all to try to solve our problems, then I will bring it up again after a few weeks and there will be another hea ted discussion. It is insanity, because I am working at this stuff all day, every day - meanwhile she is working on it NEVER. I just can't understand how someone can be so obtuse.
What I've tried:
-Giving her small tasks. She approaches these as low priority, to be done if and when she feels like it. I can't depend on her for this.
-I asked her to read the book "3 Simple Steps". I hoped this would give her some motivation to WANT to help us. This didn't seem to help.
-I asked her to act as my adviser/mentor/director. Instead of DOING anything, she can simply engage at a high level and help me stay motivated and focused. She can help make high-level strategic suggestions/decisions. This did not happen.
-I asked her to gain a breadth-level understanding of our problems. Nothing.
-I asked her to try a depth-level attack of 1-2 problems. Nothing.
-I asked her to simply be my cheerleader, and say things like "we can solve these problems", "we can get through this", "this matters to me", "I value our marriage", "I want our family to be successful", etc. Amazingly, she can't/won't even do this. It is like there is no inspiration inside of her.
Why this bothers me:
I already know the simple solution is to just be a man, suck it up, and take care of business. But it kills me to do this while my wife is completely checked out and demonstrates no concern about our situation. I question WHY I am doing this. Why am I putting in heroic efforts for someone that puts NO value on it? This is the question that plagues me. If I could get past this, it would be a huge burden off my shoulders and I could move ahead with much more focus.
I take most of the blame for placing us in this situation. If I had realized long ago that she was unwilling to step up and be part of the solution, I would have made different choices. However, that does not change our current situation, and I can't make these problems just magically go away.
I am starting to think that she may have some mental illness or depression that keeps her from engaging beyond her comfort zone, even in times of desperation. She is a good mother and is good at her job(elementary teacher). She takes decent care of the house, cooks, cleans, etc. She is not lazy. However, she is simply not motivated to help in the areas that demand our attention.
I found a wonderful post on another forum that sums up my situation very well:
"My wife has no ambition to better herself nor any motivation to progress beyond her current state and I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm firmly convinced that if I went to sleep for 20 years and awakened, I'd find her in the same level of progress she's at currently with no change. I'm not sure if it's depression, anxiety, or what. She seems to require hand-holding for virtually anything she doesn't already know how to do. "
What other strategies can I try?
How can I come to terms with this and be successful in spite of her?
Could she have a mental illness that would help explain this?
Has anyone faced a similar situation and what did you do?
Thanks for your help !
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