I started this in another, now closed, thread. But I really want to say this. I am sick to death of the cheat fear that is spread on this board.
So there are lots of folks on TAM who won't like what I am going to say. I generally don't post on the infidelity rants. There are so many! My husband blew his nose. HE'S CHEATING! My wife has underwear. SHE'S CHEATING! It is kinda nuts.
But here is my opinion. Cheating is not an isolated thing. It's root cause is not that a person hangs out with a member of the opposite sex. I can hang out with members of the opposite sex all day long, and do, with no infidelity risk.
People like to think cheating occurs in a box outside the context of the rest of the marriage. It doesn't. Cheating occurs because one or both of the parties, usually both, are not attending to the marriage. Affair fog is available because reality is not a happy place.
You see on TAM all the time, how do I get my wife/husband to do/be/act/feel differently than they do. How do I get my spouse to understand MY love language. You rarely see people advise things like, you use the love language information to see and hear when they are talking love to your in THEIR natural language. You rarely hear advise about how to recall what you fell in love with in the first place and reconnect with that. How to support, accept and generate feelings of caring and safety in your partner instead of fear, doubt and insecurity.
And if you married an ahole. Get out. What the hell are you protecting fidelity for anyway?
So there are lots of folks on TAM who won't like what I am going to say. I generally don't post on the infidelity rants. There are so many! My husband blew his nose. HE'S CHEATING! My wife has underwear. SHE'S CHEATING! It is kinda nuts.
But here is my opinion. Cheating is not an isolated thing. It's root cause is not that a person hangs out with a member of the opposite sex. I can hang out with members of the opposite sex all day long, and do, with no infidelity risk.
People like to think cheating occurs in a box outside the context of the rest of the marriage. It doesn't. Cheating occurs because one or both of the parties, usually both, are not attending to the marriage. Affair fog is available because reality is not a happy place.
You see on TAM all the time, how do I get my wife/husband to do/be/act/feel differently than they do. How do I get my spouse to understand MY love language. You rarely see people advise things like, you use the love language information to see and hear when they are talking love to your in THEIR natural language. You rarely hear advise about how to recall what you fell in love with in the first place and reconnect with that. How to support, accept and generate feelings of caring and safety in your partner instead of fear, doubt and insecurity.
And if you married an ahole. Get out. What the hell are you protecting fidelity for anyway?
Put the internet to work for you.
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