Hey Everyone,
I haven't been on here in awhile but wanted to share a bit about the demise of my first serious relationship after divorce. We met on Match and started dating just shortly after my dad had passed away and my D was final. After a few months, we agreed it was serious and started spending more time together. Along the way, many red flags were ignored (basically - saccharine sweetness and thoughtfulness that belied a prodigious temper, stomping away on our 4th date when I made a social faux pas and telling me to "***** off and not call her again", always having to be "on", hyper-sensitivity to small things, hidden cues/invisible messages, not talking about what bothers her, etc.), culminating in my new GF who "loved" me breaking up one week after I had cancer surgery to remove a testicle (diagnosed 3 weeks before the breakup - a real fast mover).
Stated reasons for argument/breakup?
My mom was out to get her (a threat) and was mean (highly doubtful; awkward at best), the roses I asked my mom to buy for her on our one year first date anniversary (which was the day after my surgery) weren't good enough, and then I didn't call her early enough 2 days after said anniversary on her birthday (she pulled back, didn't really talk and only visited me for a total of a couple of hours the 2 days after surgery and didn't stay over with me as she has done every other weekend for 8 months).
She also refused to tell me why she was distant and not present in my immediate post-op days, saying she would only talk to me about it after my mom left town (visiting Atlanta from Orlando for my surgery and immediate post-op recovery).
Final stated reasons were political differences and the fact that I occasionally use MJ recreationally (both of these differences were made clear on our second date) and I wasn't as ambitious as she is (she is dead set to make 250K a year in the next 5 years; I like not working every weekend and my software sales job).
Not once did she say she was freaked out by cancer, etc.
The flowers/one year date anniversary thing and the mom issue caused me some heartache...after a week of awkwardness, I brought the issue up...long discussion/argument, culminating in her identifying 3 issues that she had a problem with (Mom, Anniversary/Flowers, Birthday phone call). I confirmed this and added a 4th issue, "cancer and surgery" and asked if I didn't get a pass on a perfect anniversary when I was diagnosed with cancer and facing the removal of a testicle.
I also pointed out that I spent more emotional energy wondering why she wouldn't talk/visit/care for me rather than processing the loss of my freakin' testicle. WTH? Not a peep about this, not "I'm sorry", or "I could have called", or "That must have been tough" - she "made a decision with the data I had available and that's that".
Two days later, she said we were "at an impasse", then we got dinner to talk. After a 2 hr dinner, she announced she didn't want to see me anymore. Along the way, the claws came out about my mom twice, despite the fact that now-ex-GF had decided to break up with me the night before - why go after my mom then, unless you are a cold-hearted witch? Oh, to top it off, she cried at the breakup but didn't say she was sorry I had to face recovery on my own or anything - it's more like she was sad about what SHE was losing, rather than what she was doing. Weird.
Anyway - I know I'm better off, but now I'm recovering from a very scary ordeal and lost what I thought was a key support pillar for me...when in reality, the support pillar had to have it be "about her", unable to deal with being another female in the mix while her BF (not me; note the possessiveness) went through surgery.
Ugh - thanks for reading/commenting/listening on this one and it's good to be back at TAM.
I haven't been on here in awhile but wanted to share a bit about the demise of my first serious relationship after divorce. We met on Match and started dating just shortly after my dad had passed away and my D was final. After a few months, we agreed it was serious and started spending more time together. Along the way, many red flags were ignored (basically - saccharine sweetness and thoughtfulness that belied a prodigious temper, stomping away on our 4th date when I made a social faux pas and telling me to "***** off and not call her again", always having to be "on", hyper-sensitivity to small things, hidden cues/invisible messages, not talking about what bothers her, etc.), culminating in my new GF who "loved" me breaking up one week after I had cancer surgery to remove a testicle (diagnosed 3 weeks before the breakup - a real fast mover).
Stated reasons for argument/breakup?
My mom was out to get her (a threat) and was mean (highly doubtful; awkward at best), the roses I asked my mom to buy for her on our one year first date anniversary (which was the day after my surgery) weren't good enough, and then I didn't call her early enough 2 days after said anniversary on her birthday (she pulled back, didn't really talk and only visited me for a total of a couple of hours the 2 days after surgery and didn't stay over with me as she has done every other weekend for 8 months).
She also refused to tell me why she was distant and not present in my immediate post-op days, saying she would only talk to me about it after my mom left town (visiting Atlanta from Orlando for my surgery and immediate post-op recovery).
Final stated reasons were political differences and the fact that I occasionally use MJ recreationally (both of these differences were made clear on our second date) and I wasn't as ambitious as she is (she is dead set to make 250K a year in the next 5 years; I like not working every weekend and my software sales job).
Not once did she say she was freaked out by cancer, etc.
The flowers/one year date anniversary thing and the mom issue caused me some heartache...after a week of awkwardness, I brought the issue up...long discussion/argument, culminating in her identifying 3 issues that she had a problem with (Mom, Anniversary/Flowers, Birthday phone call). I confirmed this and added a 4th issue, "cancer and surgery" and asked if I didn't get a pass on a perfect anniversary when I was diagnosed with cancer and facing the removal of a testicle.
I also pointed out that I spent more emotional energy wondering why she wouldn't talk/visit/care for me rather than processing the loss of my freakin' testicle. WTH? Not a peep about this, not "I'm sorry", or "I could have called", or "That must have been tough" - she "made a decision with the data I had available and that's that".
Two days later, she said we were "at an impasse", then we got dinner to talk. After a 2 hr dinner, she announced she didn't want to see me anymore. Along the way, the claws came out about my mom twice, despite the fact that now-ex-GF had decided to break up with me the night before - why go after my mom then, unless you are a cold-hearted witch? Oh, to top it off, she cried at the breakup but didn't say she was sorry I had to face recovery on my own or anything - it's more like she was sad about what SHE was losing, rather than what she was doing. Weird.
Anyway - I know I'm better off, but now I'm recovering from a very scary ordeal and lost what I thought was a key support pillar for me...when in reality, the support pillar had to have it be "about her", unable to deal with being another female in the mix while her BF (not me; note the possessiveness) went through surgery.
Ugh - thanks for reading/commenting/listening on this one and it's good to be back at TAM.
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