Hello everyone, this is my first post. On 1/23, W and I mutually decided to do a dissolution. For anyone familiar with MMSL, I went through the phases of that to a T and now am at 7 - moving on. Here's a brief history of events:
In Jan 2014, we were waiting for a "I got home safely" text from our babysitter, who was driving home in the snow. A message popped up on W's phone, but it was from a man whose name I didn't recognize. Looking through the history briefly, it was a work client. They had been flirting back and forth for months. She apologized and said it would stop immediately. The day after, she claimed she talked with him and they agreed to keep things professional only.
In March 2014, D2 was playing with W's phone. I took it from her, and found more chats with this man... including a flat out sexual one akin to "I want you to F me". When I confronted, I demanded no contact with this man and marriage counseling. It was made clear if this continued, our marriage would not.
In the several months afterward, W was overall unsupportive and did little to rebuild my trust. She repeatedly expressed that her affair was my fault, and wouldn't have happened if I met her needs. I maintained that while I made mistakes, I was in no way responsible for her stepping outside of the marriage. I was accused of having a victim mentality, and not moving on. Her lack of remorse was a great point of conflict. At times when I was triggered, sad and in pain, her first reaction was always defensiveness, not support.
Just before thanksgiving, while W was putting D2 to bed, she received a text. Since her phone was on the coffee table 2 feet in front of me, I glanced down and noticed it was from him, inviting her to use a chat app (Cyber Dust) that deletes messages 30 seconds after they are read. She said that came out of the blue, and she had done nothing to instigate it. At our marriage counseling session following, she said she simply deleted it and did nothing.
I felt more had to be done, so I contacted POSOM myself, and told him to stay away from W. I told her afterward, and she was enraged. Rather than be concerned about my feelings or our marriage, she was worried about work. She didn't want him to talk with other contractors and give her company a bad reputation.
Later on, I found that the very night she received that invite, she forwarded it to her work and personal email addresses, and deleted it from her sent items in an attempt to hide that from me. I also found that she created an account within the app. She clearly lied to me and our therapist about deleting the message.
I confronted her about this... asked if she had talked with him, even though I already knew the answer. Again she lied and said no. Later in the conversation, she revealed that she had emailed him for an explanation, clearly breaking the terms of no contact. When I called her on these lies, I was called a "psychotic, insecure *******" before she stormed out.
Through the holidays to the present, she had been extremely distant and unwilling to work with me. She did not want to go to marriage counseling any more, saying that it only made her depressed and didn't help. In late Dec, I sat her down, and told her she needed to get her head out of her ass and work on things, or I wouldn't be around much longer.
She became even more distant after that, essentially ignoring my presence. I reached a point where I couldn't take it any more, and needed to see improvement. On 1/23, I sat her down and gave her two options as an ultimatum:
A:
Work with me. I must see a positive effort to improve.
No more distancing.
I will no longer live like your roommate.
B:
Divorce. (I had the completed paperwork in my hand)
After a very long talk filled with DARVO from her, we decided to split. I recorded the conversation without her knowing, as I wanted to be protected in case she did something BSC. And yes, I did run that by my lawyer first... I'm in a one party consent state.
While it didn't turn truly BSC, it turned out to be helpful for other reasons. When I felt sad, in denial, or questioned my decision, I could go back and be reminded of gems like these:
"You deserve someone standards not as high as mine."
"I had an emotional daliance, it was not an affair. There was nothing remotely affectionate." After me saying, "except for the come F me part", she started hitting the couch screaming "You are blowing this out of Fing proportion!" :scratchhead:
"I'm not the insecure person at 37 that I was at 23. I don't need the things then that I need now. I need different things." So much for commitment I guess.
"I didn't lie (about Cyber Dust), I freaked out then told the truth later." Yeah, after you realized you were caught red handed. :p
My absolute favorite is too wordy to quote in entirety. Basically, I'm an introverted person. She has known that from the beginning, but apparently married me thinking she could change me into a schmoozing socialite. While I'm much more social than I used to be, I can't and won't change (MAP for the MMSL fans) core character traits. She said she invested so much into me and hasn't seen enough in return. Well, trying to change who I am was your first mistake. :rolleyes:
After several days of processing that conversation, I felt an overall relief! All the trying, the wondering, lack of remorse, etc is all explained. She just doesn't love me enough to care. It wasn't something I was doing... it's not my fault. I no longer have to dump extreme amounts of energy into something that won't be fixed. I don't have to cater or walk on eggshells. I don't beat myself up wondering what I'm doing wrong. I am happy with the way I handled things. Even in the ultimatum talk, I never lied, never called names. I was honorable. She was not.
Last night I started reading a book about how to break the news to our children: D2 and D6. It made me imagine the hurt in them. It stirred up anger all over again that I'm trying to work through. My individual therapist got me into journaling, which is very helpful for me. Here's what I wrote last night, something I'd love say to the W:
I hope when you see the pain in D6, that you think about what a cheating, lying, frigid, unsympathetic ***** you are, and perhaps realize that yes, your affair was a HUGE deal and I'm NOT blowing it out of proportion. Your complete inability to be a loving spouse is the cause of her pain. I hate you more than words can express. You chose to cheat instead of fixing the issues or leaving... issues that were around in your mind since before their birth. You were a selfish coward, and your choices have ruined the lives of two innocent girls. I hope you die and go to hell.
Obviously, that wouldn't help anyone though. I still have to coparent with this person. I have a quote on my desk that I have to keep staring at to keep myself in check: "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."
Her complete inability to see what she did wrong, how it affected and ruined our family... the DARVO... it makes me borderline crazy sometimes.
In Jan 2014, we were waiting for a "I got home safely" text from our babysitter, who was driving home in the snow. A message popped up on W's phone, but it was from a man whose name I didn't recognize. Looking through the history briefly, it was a work client. They had been flirting back and forth for months. She apologized and said it would stop immediately. The day after, she claimed she talked with him and they agreed to keep things professional only.
In March 2014, D2 was playing with W's phone. I took it from her, and found more chats with this man... including a flat out sexual one akin to "I want you to F me". When I confronted, I demanded no contact with this man and marriage counseling. It was made clear if this continued, our marriage would not.
In the several months afterward, W was overall unsupportive and did little to rebuild my trust. She repeatedly expressed that her affair was my fault, and wouldn't have happened if I met her needs. I maintained that while I made mistakes, I was in no way responsible for her stepping outside of the marriage. I was accused of having a victim mentality, and not moving on. Her lack of remorse was a great point of conflict. At times when I was triggered, sad and in pain, her first reaction was always defensiveness, not support.
Just before thanksgiving, while W was putting D2 to bed, she received a text. Since her phone was on the coffee table 2 feet in front of me, I glanced down and noticed it was from him, inviting her to use a chat app (Cyber Dust) that deletes messages 30 seconds after they are read. She said that came out of the blue, and she had done nothing to instigate it. At our marriage counseling session following, she said she simply deleted it and did nothing.
I felt more had to be done, so I contacted POSOM myself, and told him to stay away from W. I told her afterward, and she was enraged. Rather than be concerned about my feelings or our marriage, she was worried about work. She didn't want him to talk with other contractors and give her company a bad reputation.
Later on, I found that the very night she received that invite, she forwarded it to her work and personal email addresses, and deleted it from her sent items in an attempt to hide that from me. I also found that she created an account within the app. She clearly lied to me and our therapist about deleting the message.
I confronted her about this... asked if she had talked with him, even though I already knew the answer. Again she lied and said no. Later in the conversation, she revealed that she had emailed him for an explanation, clearly breaking the terms of no contact. When I called her on these lies, I was called a "psychotic, insecure *******" before she stormed out.
Through the holidays to the present, she had been extremely distant and unwilling to work with me. She did not want to go to marriage counseling any more, saying that it only made her depressed and didn't help. In late Dec, I sat her down, and told her she needed to get her head out of her ass and work on things, or I wouldn't be around much longer.
She became even more distant after that, essentially ignoring my presence. I reached a point where I couldn't take it any more, and needed to see improvement. On 1/23, I sat her down and gave her two options as an ultimatum:
A:
Work with me. I must see a positive effort to improve.
No more distancing.
I will no longer live like your roommate.
B:
Divorce. (I had the completed paperwork in my hand)
After a very long talk filled with DARVO from her, we decided to split. I recorded the conversation without her knowing, as I wanted to be protected in case she did something BSC. And yes, I did run that by my lawyer first... I'm in a one party consent state.
While it didn't turn truly BSC, it turned out to be helpful for other reasons. When I felt sad, in denial, or questioned my decision, I could go back and be reminded of gems like these:
"You deserve someone standards not as high as mine."
"I had an emotional daliance, it was not an affair. There was nothing remotely affectionate." After me saying, "except for the come F me part", she started hitting the couch screaming "You are blowing this out of Fing proportion!" :scratchhead:
"I'm not the insecure person at 37 that I was at 23. I don't need the things then that I need now. I need different things." So much for commitment I guess.
"I didn't lie (about Cyber Dust), I freaked out then told the truth later." Yeah, after you realized you were caught red handed. :p
My absolute favorite is too wordy to quote in entirety. Basically, I'm an introverted person. She has known that from the beginning, but apparently married me thinking she could change me into a schmoozing socialite. While I'm much more social than I used to be, I can't and won't change (MAP for the MMSL fans) core character traits. She said she invested so much into me and hasn't seen enough in return. Well, trying to change who I am was your first mistake. :rolleyes:
After several days of processing that conversation, I felt an overall relief! All the trying, the wondering, lack of remorse, etc is all explained. She just doesn't love me enough to care. It wasn't something I was doing... it's not my fault. I no longer have to dump extreme amounts of energy into something that won't be fixed. I don't have to cater or walk on eggshells. I don't beat myself up wondering what I'm doing wrong. I am happy with the way I handled things. Even in the ultimatum talk, I never lied, never called names. I was honorable. She was not.
Last night I started reading a book about how to break the news to our children: D2 and D6. It made me imagine the hurt in them. It stirred up anger all over again that I'm trying to work through. My individual therapist got me into journaling, which is very helpful for me. Here's what I wrote last night, something I'd love say to the W:
I hope when you see the pain in D6, that you think about what a cheating, lying, frigid, unsympathetic ***** you are, and perhaps realize that yes, your affair was a HUGE deal and I'm NOT blowing it out of proportion. Your complete inability to be a loving spouse is the cause of her pain. I hate you more than words can express. You chose to cheat instead of fixing the issues or leaving... issues that were around in your mind since before their birth. You were a selfish coward, and your choices have ruined the lives of two innocent girls. I hope you die and go to hell.
Obviously, that wouldn't help anyone though. I still have to coparent with this person. I have a quote on my desk that I have to keep staring at to keep myself in check: "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."
Her complete inability to see what she did wrong, how it affected and ruined our family... the DARVO... it makes me borderline crazy sometimes.
Put the internet to work for you.
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