Hello
I need to try and resolve some my inner conflict. I don't know who to speak to. I'll explain the problem. My girlfriend loves me, she's been supportive, faithful and kind throughout our relationship of five years. I thought all I wanted from a relationship was authentic love. I wanted this to be eternal and told myself I would do everything within my power to respect it, knowing I'm lucky enough to have someone who loves me. But do I love her? Not in the infatuated manner in which some people might call love. Imagine an elderly couple who have lived together for the majority of their lifetime - their experience of love must be somewhat different to that of someone in their 20s. I've always found thought that to love someone properly takes great effort and can be extremely difficult. Anyway, my girlfriend has provided for me (she seem to fulfil the sterotypical male role in a relationship and I the female) when I've been unemployed and had no income. She's been reponsible for rent and all other living expenses for awhile so I feel forever in her debt for her kindness. We've got a good understanding, she knows me inside out and we've based our relationship on honesty and transparency from the beginning.
So what exactly is the problem? I am being shredded by feelings for another girl. I recently began a new job, so did she. She seemed like a nice enough girl, I spoke to her a couple of times and gave her a lift home from work on a few occassions because she lived on route and doesn't drive. I knew when I first met her that I was attracted to her, but dismissed it as a fleeting crush that would subdue over time. I actually had a hit of acid one night back in November and she was on my mind during the trip. I feel shame and guilt for even writing this, like I'm betraying my girlfriend by exposing such things to strangers.
In work, we got put into seperate teams so I thought that would make things easier. The truth is, I don't even know if this other girl likes me let alone has feelings for me - she too has a boyfriend, but I never really heard her mention him. Anyway, she's in the 'team' next to me so I still see her everyday, but I don't really speak to her now and I get the impression she doesn't want to speak to me - not sure if I'm just over analysing that though. The problem is my feelings for her, they are tearing into me throughout my shift, I struggle to pull my eyes away from her direction, I am almost always aware of where she is within work. It's completely distracting and all encompassing, I could even tell you what she's wore to work the past three days yet I couldn't tell you what my girlfriend wore. The girl at work seem exceptionally beautiful in my mind, a soft gentle beauty within a strong young woman. When I say tore from the feelings, I mean it's physically sore to the exte nt I'm depressed and unable to function properly. What makes it worse is the guilt. How could I not experience guilt? My girlfriends put up with all my ****, drug problems, unemployment, depression and then I obsess over someone who I barely know and who knows next to nothing about me. The guilt is then multiplied by having to delete my search history as I try to find an answer.
My girlfriend has said that in previous relationships she's never felt enough, like she's not fulfilling or good enough - and previous parners have cheated on her. I want her to feel completely loved, she's a beautiful person and deserves more than this. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I can't imagine going back to live with my mum now or leaving my girlfriend yet I'm struggling with all the conflicting emotions. The thought of breaking her heart by saying I have feelings for someone else is too much, her despair makes my insides crumble.
Has anyone ever been in a similar situation and could offer some advice? Even if you've not been in a situation like this, from an outside perspective - what can I do?
Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this and trying to help. I hope I can overcome my selfishness and help someone else who posts with a problem.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment