So if you've read any of my previous posts, you'll know that my sex life with my wife is very up and down, and that I'm always looking for ways (here, and with her) to make it better.
Very quick background - she's LD, self-professed asexual (though I have my doubts), is never sexual with me UNTIL we're having sex, and only initiates when she feels it's been too long, etc.
Our actual sex, up until about a year ago, was fantastic. Nothing she wouldn't do, nothing she didn't like, more or less. Adventurous, the whole nine. She knows what she's doing in the bedroom, and she has no complaints on my end, either. Her lack of initiation and general lack of frequency was more than made up in quality. I'm telling you, without trying to be crude, she would bang the hell out of me once a week, and I was good. Of course I wanted it more, but it was SO good, it kept me going for a week.
Over the past ~18 months, her participation has slowed in that regard, to the point where - she's not "star fishing" - but that it's 95% me doing the work. 99% me initiating, then me making sure she gets off numerous times and taking the lead the rest of the way, too.
After many months of this, it started to get to me, to the point where I'd lose my erection halfway through, or just not finish. Can't blame me. It's not like she was laying back and yawning, or telling me to hurry up, or even bored. She was getting hers and having a grand old time, and I guess the expectation was that it'd be enough for me, too. She just got lazy, and she admits it. (???? Gee, thanks)
So after both of us being off work the last week, mind you with the usual xmas stresses and family and all that, we haven't had sex in 9 or 10 days, despite several great opportunities. I can't say I've been rejected, it's more a case of I missed my chances (ie. she's snoring away on the couch, or went up to bed 2 minutes before I did (or I was brushing my teeth and when done, she was out). Just bad timing all around.
At the same time, I've made it very clear to her over the past 10 days or so that I'm "in the mood". I've also been very attentive to her needs, and we've had ample time to take advantage of non-sexual intimacy, too. So her needs have been met (as usual), yet there just hasn't been any effort on her part to meet mine.
So I had a chat with her last night, yet again. Nothing heated, but just that she had been slipping into the routine of nothing again - her needs being met, mine not, and not a second thought on her part about it.
I asked her something I had always wondered, yet never had the balls to ask her - and keep in mind, I was NOT asking her if I COULD do this, or that it would be something I would EVER do. I made that abundantly clear. It is not an option for me, nor something I was probing about, or anything.
But I asked her if she would care if I got my needs met elsewhere. Honestly, I didn't know what to expect. Obviously I was hoping that it's not something she would entertain or consider. I don't know how I would have reacted if she would have been okay with it. I wouldn't have been happy, I know that.
Again, I can't stress enough that I made it VERY clear that this is not something I would ever do, nor want to do, nor think about doing. She knows me, and that's not an option I would consider. I was NOT probing. More over, I wanted to know how she would feel about that, given that it's often one of the first things people tell their partner in a failing relationship. "Go elsewhere, I don't care", that type of thing. My ex wife gave me that line some 2 years before we split up.
In any case, she was very much against that type of thing happening, which was a great relief to me, so I'm encouraged.
However the fact remains that I have no hope of things changing permanently. I told her I feel like Charlie Brown kicking the football, and she's Lucy. "THIS time, Charlie Brown!"
I have told her, several times, that I can not live like this. Not WILL not, CAN not. I have asked her to put herself in my shoes. She has been in relationships that ended because her needs were not being met. She's broken up with people because she did not feel loved, or they did not meet her needs to her standards. She understands how I feel. Yet she doesn't.
She's broken hearts before. She's fallen out of love before. She's given people chances to change and meet her needs before. She's been where I am, yet she's been the one to have had enough and end the relationship. And I don't get why this isn't sinking in to her.
I have not threatened divorce, per se, but she knows that I can not live this way, that knowing she loves me isn't simply enough.
So how many times do I do the Charlie Brown and take a run at the football, hoping to have her finally hold it without pulling it away?
I love her dearly, and her me, but will this ever sink in? She KNOWS what she has to do, she doesn't dispute it. She knows what the consequences are, and she doesn't want it to get to that point. Yet thinking, knowing and acting are 3 separate things in her mind, apparently.
How many more chances do I give her?
Very quick background - she's LD, self-professed asexual (though I have my doubts), is never sexual with me UNTIL we're having sex, and only initiates when she feels it's been too long, etc.
Our actual sex, up until about a year ago, was fantastic. Nothing she wouldn't do, nothing she didn't like, more or less. Adventurous, the whole nine. She knows what she's doing in the bedroom, and she has no complaints on my end, either. Her lack of initiation and general lack of frequency was more than made up in quality. I'm telling you, without trying to be crude, she would bang the hell out of me once a week, and I was good. Of course I wanted it more, but it was SO good, it kept me going for a week.
Over the past ~18 months, her participation has slowed in that regard, to the point where - she's not "star fishing" - but that it's 95% me doing the work. 99% me initiating, then me making sure she gets off numerous times and taking the lead the rest of the way, too.
After many months of this, it started to get to me, to the point where I'd lose my erection halfway through, or just not finish. Can't blame me. It's not like she was laying back and yawning, or telling me to hurry up, or even bored. She was getting hers and having a grand old time, and I guess the expectation was that it'd be enough for me, too. She just got lazy, and she admits it. (???? Gee, thanks)
So after both of us being off work the last week, mind you with the usual xmas stresses and family and all that, we haven't had sex in 9 or 10 days, despite several great opportunities. I can't say I've been rejected, it's more a case of I missed my chances (ie. she's snoring away on the couch, or went up to bed 2 minutes before I did (or I was brushing my teeth and when done, she was out). Just bad timing all around.
At the same time, I've made it very clear to her over the past 10 days or so that I'm "in the mood". I've also been very attentive to her needs, and we've had ample time to take advantage of non-sexual intimacy, too. So her needs have been met (as usual), yet there just hasn't been any effort on her part to meet mine.
So I had a chat with her last night, yet again. Nothing heated, but just that she had been slipping into the routine of nothing again - her needs being met, mine not, and not a second thought on her part about it.
I asked her something I had always wondered, yet never had the balls to ask her - and keep in mind, I was NOT asking her if I COULD do this, or that it would be something I would EVER do. I made that abundantly clear. It is not an option for me, nor something I was probing about, or anything.
But I asked her if she would care if I got my needs met elsewhere. Honestly, I didn't know what to expect. Obviously I was hoping that it's not something she would entertain or consider. I don't know how I would have reacted if she would have been okay with it. I wouldn't have been happy, I know that.
Again, I can't stress enough that I made it VERY clear that this is not something I would ever do, nor want to do, nor think about doing. She knows me, and that's not an option I would consider. I was NOT probing. More over, I wanted to know how she would feel about that, given that it's often one of the first things people tell their partner in a failing relationship. "Go elsewhere, I don't care", that type of thing. My ex wife gave me that line some 2 years before we split up.
In any case, she was very much against that type of thing happening, which was a great relief to me, so I'm encouraged.
However the fact remains that I have no hope of things changing permanently. I told her I feel like Charlie Brown kicking the football, and she's Lucy. "THIS time, Charlie Brown!"
I have told her, several times, that I can not live like this. Not WILL not, CAN not. I have asked her to put herself in my shoes. She has been in relationships that ended because her needs were not being met. She's broken up with people because she did not feel loved, or they did not meet her needs to her standards. She understands how I feel. Yet she doesn't.
She's broken hearts before. She's fallen out of love before. She's given people chances to change and meet her needs before. She's been where I am, yet she's been the one to have had enough and end the relationship. And I don't get why this isn't sinking in to her.
I have not threatened divorce, per se, but she knows that I can not live this way, that knowing she loves me isn't simply enough.
So how many times do I do the Charlie Brown and take a run at the football, hoping to have her finally hold it without pulling it away?
I love her dearly, and her me, but will this ever sink in? She KNOWS what she has to do, she doesn't dispute it. She knows what the consequences are, and she doesn't want it to get to that point. Yet thinking, knowing and acting are 3 separate things in her mind, apparently.
How many more chances do I give her?
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