Ling time lurker here and I need to vent. This is a super loooong and rambling post; I'm trying to summarize 10 years of relationships so I can shape the problem I am seeking advice to resolve. I do appreciate those who take the time to read through this mess.
I've been together with my wife for 10 years, married for five. For the entire 10 years, I've been pretty close with my wife's family. I met her brother when he was 12, now he's 22 going on 23. He lived in MY house—rent free--for 6 months while he went to college out in my city about two years ago, that's how close I am with my in-laws. I knew her sister since she was a teenager teeny bopper; now she's a grown woman with two kids and a husband. I've never had any issues with her family and have always considered myself lucky to have such great in-laws while everyone else I know has conflict with their own in laws. I have always tried to be mindful of the relationships and bonds between my wife and her family and I have tried to be a good addition to said family.
About five years ago, a few weeks before our wedding ceremony, my wife's father—who I also was very close with and had known for 6 years—passed away rather suddenly and unexpectedly. He was in his 50's and it was a major shock. He was really the voice of reason in his family and ever since he passed, the relationship between my wife/myself and the in-laws has deteriorated.
My wife is the oldest child in her family (she has a sister and brother): my wife is 31 (I am 33), her sister is 28, and her brother is 22. My wife graduated with a BA in Art when she was around 22 but recently decided to start respiratory therapy school, something I fully support. Having gone through a masters program myself, I can say that her program is just as difficult and time consuming, if not more. She and I both decided to not have children, or at the very least, children are not a priority for us. We think we MAY decide to start a family once she completes her schooling (another 1 ½ years), but it's nothing we are particularly rushing towards or anticipating.
Her mother and sister, on the other hand, find this completely unacceptable. Her sister had a son about 2 years ago and had another son a few months ago. Their behavior, attitude, and comments towards us ever since have been mind boggingly hurtful. The latest example:
1. As I have every year since my wife's father passed away, I invited my wife's family to MY families thanksgiving dinner. My family is not religious so this is the only holiday we really celebrate and it's a big deal for us. Due to our non religious nature, this means I get to spend the other major holidays—Christmas and Easter—with my in-laws, which I have done for about a decade now. In the world of marriage and the decisions couples have to make when it comes to holidays, this is a good bargain: one holiday with my family, 2 or more with her family. Fair trade.
Last year, the first year after my wife's first nephew was born, my in-laws decided to call us the DAY before thanksgiving to tell us they decided to go to my sister-in-laws parents house for thanksgiving instead of coming to our house as planned. This ticked me off because they had told us they were coming and so I had purchased an extra turkey and told my family to cook for 6 or 7 additional people. I was very upset with being treated this way, discarded for a "better option" really, but I kept my cool for the most part and let it slide. Surely this was a fluke, right?
About 3 days before thanksgiving THIS year, my wife gets a really nasty call from her mom telling her that 5:00pm is MUCH TOO LATE to eat thanksgiving dinner and that her family would be by at 11:00am with the expectation to eat at 2:00pm. When my wife pointed out that no one else was arriving until 4:00 for a 5:00 dinner, she was told that we would just have to have "two thanksgivings" and that my wife could spend it with one family and then "her other family". I was FURIOUS! They have been invited to another families table and they called to make demands that we change a years worth of planning 3 days before the event because they don't want to eat dinner at 5?
Her mom said some very hurtful things, basically telling my wife that she is a terrible daughter because she "never calls" and "never sees her nephews". Her nephews live about 2 hours away and they are 4 months and 2 years old. My wife is in a respiratory therapy program which is very intensive and I work well over 80 hours a week working numerous jobs: I have a full time, 40 hour a week job at a local community college and I also teach college courses at night. On top of that, I teach online courses for a private university. I work this long and this hard so I can put my wife through school and THIS IS HOW YOU PAY BILLS on a single income. My wife and I are very career focused. We DO make time when we can—SUCH AS INVITING THE FAMILY FOR A THANKSGIVING DINNER, and driving up every few months to visit—but apparently we are expected to make that 2 hour drive MUCH more often, schedules and cost of gas be damned.
Although I was furious—this is not the first time something like this has happened—I decided to be a good host this year for the sake of my wife's sanity (thanksgiving is the time of year when my wife is engaged in mid terms/final exams…..and I am giving/grading final exams myself, so we don't have time or energy for drama) and accommodate her family as best I could to avoid the stress and drama, with the understanding between my wife and I that they would NOT be invited back next year. So this is what happened
1. They all showed up at 11.
2. They played with the nephews from 11:00am – 2:00pm, completely ignoring my wife and I for the most part.
3. My wife had to endure several passive aggressive and direct comments from her family, such as "Wow, it's a shame some people decide to put careers ahead of having children" and other nonsense like that.
4. I cook dinner and they eat at around 2:30.
5. At 3:30ish, they start to load up their car.
6. At 3:50, my sister, her husband, and my grandmother all pull up into my driveway. My wife's family turns on the ignition and drives away. They don't get out to say hi. They don't wave. They just start her up and drive away. My sister walks up to me and asks "Are they going to the market to get something?". She was very offended when I told her that no, they were going home. "They couldn't say HI?" she asks. I had no answer.
I don't know why, but it's become a HUGE ISSUE to my wife's family that we do not have children, and they are extremely nasty to us because of this. The honestly treat us like we are criminals or disgusting people because we work a lot, we travel a lot, and we don't have children (they HATE that we travel and always comment on how much money we spend on this…..certainly that money should be spent on CHILD REARING!) It doesn't matter that I've been a good companion and husband to my wife; it doesn't matter that I've been a good and reliable friend to my wife's family for over a decade; it doesn't matter that I was there for them when my wife's father passed away; it doesn't matter that my wife and I are trying to build our careers and lives; it doesn't matter that I am financially responsible and a great provider for my wife. And all of that is just ME: what about my poor wife and the great job she's done as the oldest sibling? She opened her HOUSE up, free of rent, to her brother; she HELD that family together and took care of everything when her father passed; she's had to endure unfathomable physical and mental challenges having survived a horrific car crash 2 years ago that nearly killed her and partially disabled her (fractured hip socket, pelvis, hip bone, ribs, and fractured spine), and endured she has! What DOES matter is we do NOT have a child. It's mind boggling to me.
A little side note: my sister in law and her husband , the "new parents", are terrible with money. The husband took out 80 grand in college loans when he was younger which he spent on cars/toys. No worries though, his wealthy parents paid it off for him. By the time he married my sister in law, he had racked up another 100K in debt. As a wedding present, his dad paid that off for him. He took a somewhat menial job (50K a year) in a really ****ty, middle of nowhere town. As someone who has never had ANY financial assistance from ANYONE— I've worked since I was 6, I bought my own first car, paid my own way through college, I save up for every trip my wife and I take, and gosh darn it, at 27 I bought my own house with my own savings—I have had to endure, through gritted teeth, their constant comments about how we need to buy new cars, improve our home, have children, drive up 2 hours (and 1 tank of gas at least because, you know, 50 bucks here and there is CHUMP CHANGE) all the time to see them, etc. In fact, they are quickly racking up new debt by buying new cars and new toys. No surprise when you've never had to face consequences before, and why worry when your wealthy parents/in-laws will bail you out, right?
SO, flash forward to today and the call from my sister in law giving us the details for the upcoming Christmas gathering. She wants us to be up at her house by 10:00am with dinner served at……wait for it……5:00pm. Yes, the same dinner timer of my families Thanksgiving, which was terribly late and unacceptable to my in laws.
The nasty side of me wants to wait until the 24th when I will call my sister-in-law to confirm the time. When she again says "Dinner at 5:00", I want to make a HUGE deal about it—just like she did—and tell her that no, 5:00 is too late and we expect to eat at 2:00. JUST LIKE THEY DID.
BUT…..I'm just old enough and just mature enough to know that while briefly satisfying, this will cause more problems long term. I do not, however, wish to go to this Christmas event with my in-laws, and neither does my wife. I've swallowed my tongue long enough and let passive aggressive and obnoxious comments go unanswered because I want to be on good terms with my in-laws, for my wife's sake, but this thanksgiving they tipped me over the edge: they made my wife cry and that did it.
SO…..my wife and I are departing on a well deserved weeklong cruise this coming Saturday, and my MIL is watching our dog for us. This is the only reason I've had to keep my mouth shut: I have no one else to watch my little doggie. I have a week to calm myself down and think of the best—not necessarily the most self satisfying—solution to this dilemma. Should I suck it up, at least this one last time, and drive up there and spend one last nasty holiday with my in laws with the understanding between my wife and I that this will be the LAST Christmas we spend with them? Should I fake being sick? I have no problem being up front and honest, but knowing these people for as long as I have, I know it won't do any good and will SAIL over their heads.
They seem to love this type of drama and I do feel telling them how we feel and/or missing the holiday altogether will, in their minds, VALIDATE all of the nasty things they have to say about us. I am inclined to kill them with kindness and go up there and have a blast DESPITE their nastiness, and just go traveling next Christmas. This fits my personality: I love flipping nasty people feet over head by showing up and being as nice as nice can be. This is totally confusing to the nasty person and really showcases their nastiness in contrast to my natural kindness/happiness.
Anyway, if you have made it this far down my long and rambling post, I thank you for taking the time to read it and I would appreciate any insight or commentary, particularly if you have been in this type of situation. I really wrote this for cathartic purposes, but I do appreciate supportive comments. Nasty comments will be absolutely ignored: I have enough nastiness in my life at the moment, don't need any more from strangers :smthumbup:
-Tharco
I've been together with my wife for 10 years, married for five. For the entire 10 years, I've been pretty close with my wife's family. I met her brother when he was 12, now he's 22 going on 23. He lived in MY house—rent free--for 6 months while he went to college out in my city about two years ago, that's how close I am with my in-laws. I knew her sister since she was a teenager teeny bopper; now she's a grown woman with two kids and a husband. I've never had any issues with her family and have always considered myself lucky to have such great in-laws while everyone else I know has conflict with their own in laws. I have always tried to be mindful of the relationships and bonds between my wife and her family and I have tried to be a good addition to said family.
About five years ago, a few weeks before our wedding ceremony, my wife's father—who I also was very close with and had known for 6 years—passed away rather suddenly and unexpectedly. He was in his 50's and it was a major shock. He was really the voice of reason in his family and ever since he passed, the relationship between my wife/myself and the in-laws has deteriorated.
My wife is the oldest child in her family (she has a sister and brother): my wife is 31 (I am 33), her sister is 28, and her brother is 22. My wife graduated with a BA in Art when she was around 22 but recently decided to start respiratory therapy school, something I fully support. Having gone through a masters program myself, I can say that her program is just as difficult and time consuming, if not more. She and I both decided to not have children, or at the very least, children are not a priority for us. We think we MAY decide to start a family once she completes her schooling (another 1 ½ years), but it's nothing we are particularly rushing towards or anticipating.
Her mother and sister, on the other hand, find this completely unacceptable. Her sister had a son about 2 years ago and had another son a few months ago. Their behavior, attitude, and comments towards us ever since have been mind boggingly hurtful. The latest example:
1. As I have every year since my wife's father passed away, I invited my wife's family to MY families thanksgiving dinner. My family is not religious so this is the only holiday we really celebrate and it's a big deal for us. Due to our non religious nature, this means I get to spend the other major holidays—Christmas and Easter—with my in-laws, which I have done for about a decade now. In the world of marriage and the decisions couples have to make when it comes to holidays, this is a good bargain: one holiday with my family, 2 or more with her family. Fair trade.
Last year, the first year after my wife's first nephew was born, my in-laws decided to call us the DAY before thanksgiving to tell us they decided to go to my sister-in-laws parents house for thanksgiving instead of coming to our house as planned. This ticked me off because they had told us they were coming and so I had purchased an extra turkey and told my family to cook for 6 or 7 additional people. I was very upset with being treated this way, discarded for a "better option" really, but I kept my cool for the most part and let it slide. Surely this was a fluke, right?
About 3 days before thanksgiving THIS year, my wife gets a really nasty call from her mom telling her that 5:00pm is MUCH TOO LATE to eat thanksgiving dinner and that her family would be by at 11:00am with the expectation to eat at 2:00pm. When my wife pointed out that no one else was arriving until 4:00 for a 5:00 dinner, she was told that we would just have to have "two thanksgivings" and that my wife could spend it with one family and then "her other family". I was FURIOUS! They have been invited to another families table and they called to make demands that we change a years worth of planning 3 days before the event because they don't want to eat dinner at 5?
Her mom said some very hurtful things, basically telling my wife that she is a terrible daughter because she "never calls" and "never sees her nephews". Her nephews live about 2 hours away and they are 4 months and 2 years old. My wife is in a respiratory therapy program which is very intensive and I work well over 80 hours a week working numerous jobs: I have a full time, 40 hour a week job at a local community college and I also teach college courses at night. On top of that, I teach online courses for a private university. I work this long and this hard so I can put my wife through school and THIS IS HOW YOU PAY BILLS on a single income. My wife and I are very career focused. We DO make time when we can—SUCH AS INVITING THE FAMILY FOR A THANKSGIVING DINNER, and driving up every few months to visit—but apparently we are expected to make that 2 hour drive MUCH more often, schedules and cost of gas be damned.
Although I was furious—this is not the first time something like this has happened—I decided to be a good host this year for the sake of my wife's sanity (thanksgiving is the time of year when my wife is engaged in mid terms/final exams…..and I am giving/grading final exams myself, so we don't have time or energy for drama) and accommodate her family as best I could to avoid the stress and drama, with the understanding between my wife and I that they would NOT be invited back next year. So this is what happened
1. They all showed up at 11.
2. They played with the nephews from 11:00am – 2:00pm, completely ignoring my wife and I for the most part.
3. My wife had to endure several passive aggressive and direct comments from her family, such as "Wow, it's a shame some people decide to put careers ahead of having children" and other nonsense like that.
4. I cook dinner and they eat at around 2:30.
5. At 3:30ish, they start to load up their car.
6. At 3:50, my sister, her husband, and my grandmother all pull up into my driveway. My wife's family turns on the ignition and drives away. They don't get out to say hi. They don't wave. They just start her up and drive away. My sister walks up to me and asks "Are they going to the market to get something?". She was very offended when I told her that no, they were going home. "They couldn't say HI?" she asks. I had no answer.
I don't know why, but it's become a HUGE ISSUE to my wife's family that we do not have children, and they are extremely nasty to us because of this. The honestly treat us like we are criminals or disgusting people because we work a lot, we travel a lot, and we don't have children (they HATE that we travel and always comment on how much money we spend on this…..certainly that money should be spent on CHILD REARING!) It doesn't matter that I've been a good companion and husband to my wife; it doesn't matter that I've been a good and reliable friend to my wife's family for over a decade; it doesn't matter that I was there for them when my wife's father passed away; it doesn't matter that my wife and I are trying to build our careers and lives; it doesn't matter that I am financially responsible and a great provider for my wife. And all of that is just ME: what about my poor wife and the great job she's done as the oldest sibling? She opened her HOUSE up, free of rent, to her brother; she HELD that family together and took care of everything when her father passed; she's had to endure unfathomable physical and mental challenges having survived a horrific car crash 2 years ago that nearly killed her and partially disabled her (fractured hip socket, pelvis, hip bone, ribs, and fractured spine), and endured she has! What DOES matter is we do NOT have a child. It's mind boggling to me.
A little side note: my sister in law and her husband , the "new parents", are terrible with money. The husband took out 80 grand in college loans when he was younger which he spent on cars/toys. No worries though, his wealthy parents paid it off for him. By the time he married my sister in law, he had racked up another 100K in debt. As a wedding present, his dad paid that off for him. He took a somewhat menial job (50K a year) in a really ****ty, middle of nowhere town. As someone who has never had ANY financial assistance from ANYONE— I've worked since I was 6, I bought my own first car, paid my own way through college, I save up for every trip my wife and I take, and gosh darn it, at 27 I bought my own house with my own savings—I have had to endure, through gritted teeth, their constant comments about how we need to buy new cars, improve our home, have children, drive up 2 hours (and 1 tank of gas at least because, you know, 50 bucks here and there is CHUMP CHANGE) all the time to see them, etc. In fact, they are quickly racking up new debt by buying new cars and new toys. No surprise when you've never had to face consequences before, and why worry when your wealthy parents/in-laws will bail you out, right?
SO, flash forward to today and the call from my sister in law giving us the details for the upcoming Christmas gathering. She wants us to be up at her house by 10:00am with dinner served at……wait for it……5:00pm. Yes, the same dinner timer of my families Thanksgiving, which was terribly late and unacceptable to my in laws.
The nasty side of me wants to wait until the 24th when I will call my sister-in-law to confirm the time. When she again says "Dinner at 5:00", I want to make a HUGE deal about it—just like she did—and tell her that no, 5:00 is too late and we expect to eat at 2:00. JUST LIKE THEY DID.
BUT…..I'm just old enough and just mature enough to know that while briefly satisfying, this will cause more problems long term. I do not, however, wish to go to this Christmas event with my in-laws, and neither does my wife. I've swallowed my tongue long enough and let passive aggressive and obnoxious comments go unanswered because I want to be on good terms with my in-laws, for my wife's sake, but this thanksgiving they tipped me over the edge: they made my wife cry and that did it.
SO…..my wife and I are departing on a well deserved weeklong cruise this coming Saturday, and my MIL is watching our dog for us. This is the only reason I've had to keep my mouth shut: I have no one else to watch my little doggie. I have a week to calm myself down and think of the best—not necessarily the most self satisfying—solution to this dilemma. Should I suck it up, at least this one last time, and drive up there and spend one last nasty holiday with my in laws with the understanding between my wife and I that this will be the LAST Christmas we spend with them? Should I fake being sick? I have no problem being up front and honest, but knowing these people for as long as I have, I know it won't do any good and will SAIL over their heads.
They seem to love this type of drama and I do feel telling them how we feel and/or missing the holiday altogether will, in their minds, VALIDATE all of the nasty things they have to say about us. I am inclined to kill them with kindness and go up there and have a blast DESPITE their nastiness, and just go traveling next Christmas. This fits my personality: I love flipping nasty people feet over head by showing up and being as nice as nice can be. This is totally confusing to the nasty person and really showcases their nastiness in contrast to my natural kindness/happiness.
Anyway, if you have made it this far down my long and rambling post, I thank you for taking the time to read it and I would appreciate any insight or commentary, particularly if you have been in this type of situation. I really wrote this for cathartic purposes, but I do appreciate supportive comments. Nasty comments will be absolutely ignored: I have enough nastiness in my life at the moment, don't need any more from strangers :smthumbup:
-Tharco
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