I am writing today because I feel I am being cheated and controlled.
For starters, my wife and I used to have a very active sex life. She was very orgasmic and would initiate it as often as I would - even setting the alarm clock at 4 am.
Since about 2 years after our last kid was born sex has diminished substantially. This is now 5 years. I chalked it up to fatigue, new job, hormones, etc., but the reality is she does not want to be with me intimately. I have done the self - help route (especially the Married Man's Sex Life Forum). I've gotten in better shape than I was when we got married - so much so that ladies I have known for years are being substantially more flirtatious with me and flat out making me offers. She has gained a lot of weight and chalks some of the issues up to her self body image.
I feel like I am being controlled and cheated. Basically, my sex life choices are masturbation & once every 2 weeks (she is off work every other weekend - she works at a hospital). If I stray, I am the bad guy. But I need that physical intimacy. And every 2 weeks is nowhere near enough. I would be fine with a couple times a week, but since I have gotten in such good shape I am horny all the time.
It is bad when ladies are walking up to me, flirtatiously rubbing my shoulders and saying things like, "God you are looking good, I'll bet you are getting it all the time" and the answer would be a flat "no."
This weekend was the worst. First off, I have no problems with sex toys nor masturbation. I really don't mind if she uses them in bed and or we do mutual masturbation. I know it has been more difficult for her to orgasm recently and she has put me in a catch 22 on that. If I try to get her to orgasm, I am putting pressure on her. If I don't, I am being selfish. I love giving oral sex and wish she would reciprocate like she used to. So, why was this weekend so bad. Saturday night (our once every 2 weeks) was pretty good. I know she didn't orgasm and I offered to get out her sex toy, but she did not want to.
The next morning (Sunday) I was very happy and flirtatious with her. I roughhoused with the kids, worked out, did some repairs around the house and cleaned up the kitchen. She claimed to be tired and spent most of the day on the couch (though she did fix dinner). In the morning I kissed her and offered to return the favor in whatever way she wanted. She said she was tired. Throughout the day I was flirtatious and when it was getting close to 9 pm I asked if she would like me to join her in bed. She said, "It is not you, I am tired."
OK, I can respect that. Unfortunately, I happened to look in her sex toy drawer earlier in the evening. She went to bed and I headed up to bed about an hour later. I don't know why I thought of it, but I looked in the drawer and saw that she had used her vibrator - it was in a different place and there really isn't anything else in the drawer. Again, I don't have a problem with masturbation, in fact I encourage it. But when I am clearly desiring the physical intimacy and and turned down only to find out she masturbated, it hurts. It hurts that she lied to me and it hurts that she would rather do that solo than spend time with me.
Of course I confronted her on this and she said that by tracking her masturbating I was bullying her. She also said she just needed a "Quick release" and didn't want to spend an hour having sex. Wasn't that what I offered?
Before some of you chime in - I have read this forum a lot and am positing for the first time, please save me some of the dumb comments.
First, it is very clear that if a guy turns down his wife and then masturbates it is "his fault" because he has a porn addiction or something. (I am taking this from comments on the board)
Second, I make every effort to try to please her. It is never wham bam thank you ma'am unless that is what she wants. So please spare me the "You're not good enough in bed" comments or the "you need to go down on her more" comments.
Also, I have run the Map. I am so close to walking out the door but there are 3 other lives involved other than my wife and I. I know the statistics of children of divorced parents and I don't want to do that to me kids - IF it can be avoided.
I honestly feel she is pushing me to an affair - either because she doesn't care or because she wants me to be the bad guy. One thing I wont do from the MMSLF is send letters to her family saying why I am leaving just like I won't badmouth her on social media. I don't think it is constructive.
Somehow she has gotten mentally skewed in the bedroom and I don't know why. If she gives me a blowjob, she feels like she is being subservient. If I am aggressive in bed or wake her up in the middle of the night for sex, I am "forcing" myself on her.
I don't think she wants divorce and she keeps putting things off. We have tried two different marriage counselors, but she has quit both of them (and in all honestly, I didn't see them as helping).
How can I get her to wake up before I walk out? Or is it hopeless and I will never have the loving sex life with her again.
For starters, my wife and I used to have a very active sex life. She was very orgasmic and would initiate it as often as I would - even setting the alarm clock at 4 am.
Since about 2 years after our last kid was born sex has diminished substantially. This is now 5 years. I chalked it up to fatigue, new job, hormones, etc., but the reality is she does not want to be with me intimately. I have done the self - help route (especially the Married Man's Sex Life Forum). I've gotten in better shape than I was when we got married - so much so that ladies I have known for years are being substantially more flirtatious with me and flat out making me offers. She has gained a lot of weight and chalks some of the issues up to her self body image.
I feel like I am being controlled and cheated. Basically, my sex life choices are masturbation & once every 2 weeks (she is off work every other weekend - she works at a hospital). If I stray, I am the bad guy. But I need that physical intimacy. And every 2 weeks is nowhere near enough. I would be fine with a couple times a week, but since I have gotten in such good shape I am horny all the time.
It is bad when ladies are walking up to me, flirtatiously rubbing my shoulders and saying things like, "God you are looking good, I'll bet you are getting it all the time" and the answer would be a flat "no."
This weekend was the worst. First off, I have no problems with sex toys nor masturbation. I really don't mind if she uses them in bed and or we do mutual masturbation. I know it has been more difficult for her to orgasm recently and she has put me in a catch 22 on that. If I try to get her to orgasm, I am putting pressure on her. If I don't, I am being selfish. I love giving oral sex and wish she would reciprocate like she used to. So, why was this weekend so bad. Saturday night (our once every 2 weeks) was pretty good. I know she didn't orgasm and I offered to get out her sex toy, but she did not want to.
The next morning (Sunday) I was very happy and flirtatious with her. I roughhoused with the kids, worked out, did some repairs around the house and cleaned up the kitchen. She claimed to be tired and spent most of the day on the couch (though she did fix dinner). In the morning I kissed her and offered to return the favor in whatever way she wanted. She said she was tired. Throughout the day I was flirtatious and when it was getting close to 9 pm I asked if she would like me to join her in bed. She said, "It is not you, I am tired."
OK, I can respect that. Unfortunately, I happened to look in her sex toy drawer earlier in the evening. She went to bed and I headed up to bed about an hour later. I don't know why I thought of it, but I looked in the drawer and saw that she had used her vibrator - it was in a different place and there really isn't anything else in the drawer. Again, I don't have a problem with masturbation, in fact I encourage it. But when I am clearly desiring the physical intimacy and and turned down only to find out she masturbated, it hurts. It hurts that she lied to me and it hurts that she would rather do that solo than spend time with me.
Of course I confronted her on this and she said that by tracking her masturbating I was bullying her. She also said she just needed a "Quick release" and didn't want to spend an hour having sex. Wasn't that what I offered?
Before some of you chime in - I have read this forum a lot and am positing for the first time, please save me some of the dumb comments.
First, it is very clear that if a guy turns down his wife and then masturbates it is "his fault" because he has a porn addiction or something. (I am taking this from comments on the board)
Second, I make every effort to try to please her. It is never wham bam thank you ma'am unless that is what she wants. So please spare me the "You're not good enough in bed" comments or the "you need to go down on her more" comments.
Also, I have run the Map. I am so close to walking out the door but there are 3 other lives involved other than my wife and I. I know the statistics of children of divorced parents and I don't want to do that to me kids - IF it can be avoided.
I honestly feel she is pushing me to an affair - either because she doesn't care or because she wants me to be the bad guy. One thing I wont do from the MMSLF is send letters to her family saying why I am leaving just like I won't badmouth her on social media. I don't think it is constructive.
Somehow she has gotten mentally skewed in the bedroom and I don't know why. If she gives me a blowjob, she feels like she is being subservient. If I am aggressive in bed or wake her up in the middle of the night for sex, I am "forcing" myself on her.
I don't think she wants divorce and she keeps putting things off. We have tried two different marriage counselors, but she has quit both of them (and in all honestly, I didn't see them as helping).
How can I get her to wake up before I walk out? Or is it hopeless and I will never have the loving sex life with her again.
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