Hello everyone,
After many years, I've kind of figured out what is going on. I've been married for 13 years. At first of course it was ok. He used to feel passionate about me, and we had time and so we used to go out quite a bit. Something happens after x amount of time in the relationship where it simmers down. I understand that perfectly well. But, here is the thing: I have made a lot of compromises in our marriage so that he would be happy...with me. By nature I am a people pleaser, always showing an edited version of myself and if I don't know how to be then I'm quite, reserved til I feel safe. But, in our marriage, I've not really felt that it's ok to be me and not it's been so long and five kids later that I don't know even who that me would be now.
We are fighting so badly and have for a number of years. He's not an immoral person. He's just so non expressive. And I need feedback. I need emotion. I need something to feel like there are two of us here. We don't even look at each other in the eyes anymore. I try talking to him.
Last night I told him he's more in to his friends and I feel like I don't exist. He told me I have to make him into me that it's my job to attract him. It's not his job to try to be attracted to me. Now I'm not an ugly 500 pound person but I'm not 20 years old anymore and we've had five children together. I try to take care of myself and do ok. It's not the physical he means anyway.
But it's his attitude that makes me so upset. Because I'm a people pleaser I try to make others happy at my own expense and so now I so drained and unfulfilled. What happens is we go through these cycles of fighting. He tears me down so bad that I get convinced that I'm wrong. Something's wrong with me. I start all of it. I have some problem. Then I start googling trying to 'fix me' as he's said. He literally told me one time...I asked him let's go to counseling and see if we can work through our issues and he told ME to go fix myself and then things will get better.
I am pretty sure I know what you're thinking. But I cannot leave him. I have five children. We have no means of support from my own. It'd take more than my salary to just get help with those five children to go to work. I know he's have to pay child support but that's not even it. I can't break all of these children's hearts. I can't leave their father due to my unhappiness. I will sacrifice myself to keep the family together. But how to do this is the question.
When I mention to him that I consider divorce he tells me flat out that I am selfish. I think he knows my weaknesses. I think he uses those to get what he wants in our marriage. I do whatever he wants. I put a smile on for the camera and our friends but inside I feel like a fake. I feel like a fraud. This isn't my life they see this is the edited version.
Then I go through another emotion and feel guilty for not being grateful enough for my life. We are doing well financially, secure, and have luxuries others would love to have. But those things aren't making me happy...do they for anyone?
So from that I feel ok... let me isolate myself, be happy while he's at work, quiet when he's home, not that he yells at me or abuses me verbally. He's not like this at all. But I never get I love you and never even got a wedding ring. He never cared enough. He always says don't you see me working hard for our family...isn't this proof of my life?
So as you all must be able to tell, I'm a bit of a wreck. I feel so crazy right now that I'm trying to diagnose me...what's wrong with me ..histrionic? schizophrenic? bipolar? OMG not really thinking I am those things, but I'm just saying that Im literally searching up and down.... trying to fix myself to fix our marriage. And I feel so low. He makes me feel so low. He tries to come off as a saint with no needs, no complaints about anything and then look at you with all these complaints, who would love you when you complain. I complain because of valid reasons. But then I actually tell him, so to make you love me, I am supposed to shut up, smile, and take it?? And to that my friends he got angry and said you say that as if it's taboo, meaning that there's something wrong with that.
MY GOD if I didn't have five kids with that man I'd leave him.
I wrote here once a long long time ago and so if that post was found, you'd probably see the same problem...around and around.
After many years, I've kind of figured out what is going on. I've been married for 13 years. At first of course it was ok. He used to feel passionate about me, and we had time and so we used to go out quite a bit. Something happens after x amount of time in the relationship where it simmers down. I understand that perfectly well. But, here is the thing: I have made a lot of compromises in our marriage so that he would be happy...with me. By nature I am a people pleaser, always showing an edited version of myself and if I don't know how to be then I'm quite, reserved til I feel safe. But, in our marriage, I've not really felt that it's ok to be me and not it's been so long and five kids later that I don't know even who that me would be now.
We are fighting so badly and have for a number of years. He's not an immoral person. He's just so non expressive. And I need feedback. I need emotion. I need something to feel like there are two of us here. We don't even look at each other in the eyes anymore. I try talking to him.
Last night I told him he's more in to his friends and I feel like I don't exist. He told me I have to make him into me that it's my job to attract him. It's not his job to try to be attracted to me. Now I'm not an ugly 500 pound person but I'm not 20 years old anymore and we've had five children together. I try to take care of myself and do ok. It's not the physical he means anyway.
But it's his attitude that makes me so upset. Because I'm a people pleaser I try to make others happy at my own expense and so now I so drained and unfulfilled. What happens is we go through these cycles of fighting. He tears me down so bad that I get convinced that I'm wrong. Something's wrong with me. I start all of it. I have some problem. Then I start googling trying to 'fix me' as he's said. He literally told me one time...I asked him let's go to counseling and see if we can work through our issues and he told ME to go fix myself and then things will get better.
I am pretty sure I know what you're thinking. But I cannot leave him. I have five children. We have no means of support from my own. It'd take more than my salary to just get help with those five children to go to work. I know he's have to pay child support but that's not even it. I can't break all of these children's hearts. I can't leave their father due to my unhappiness. I will sacrifice myself to keep the family together. But how to do this is the question.
When I mention to him that I consider divorce he tells me flat out that I am selfish. I think he knows my weaknesses. I think he uses those to get what he wants in our marriage. I do whatever he wants. I put a smile on for the camera and our friends but inside I feel like a fake. I feel like a fraud. This isn't my life they see this is the edited version.
Then I go through another emotion and feel guilty for not being grateful enough for my life. We are doing well financially, secure, and have luxuries others would love to have. But those things aren't making me happy...do they for anyone?
So from that I feel ok... let me isolate myself, be happy while he's at work, quiet when he's home, not that he yells at me or abuses me verbally. He's not like this at all. But I never get I love you and never even got a wedding ring. He never cared enough. He always says don't you see me working hard for our family...isn't this proof of my life?
So as you all must be able to tell, I'm a bit of a wreck. I feel so crazy right now that I'm trying to diagnose me...what's wrong with me ..histrionic? schizophrenic? bipolar? OMG not really thinking I am those things, but I'm just saying that Im literally searching up and down.... trying to fix myself to fix our marriage. And I feel so low. He makes me feel so low. He tries to come off as a saint with no needs, no complaints about anything and then look at you with all these complaints, who would love you when you complain. I complain because of valid reasons. But then I actually tell him, so to make you love me, I am supposed to shut up, smile, and take it?? And to that my friends he got angry and said you say that as if it's taboo, meaning that there's something wrong with that.
MY GOD if I didn't have five kids with that man I'd leave him.
I wrote here once a long long time ago and so if that post was found, you'd probably see the same problem...around and around.
Put the internet to work for you.
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